Because we love you, we took one for the team and settled in to watch this episode of–supposedly–Gossip Girl. Before we get into actually reviewing the episode, can we just say that we’re confused as to which show we’re watching since the two main characters did not share a SINGLE scene together? We’re not exaggerating — Blair and Serena failed to be in the same room at any point during 5.18. The closest thing we got to a Serena/Blair scene was Blair bitching to Humps about Serena walking into their shared magical bathroom and interrupting their terrible sex. How dare Serena use the bathroom! Doesn’t she know Blair is trying to get it in with the love of her BFF’s life? Although really, what would they talk about? Would Serena give Blair pointers on how to have sex in a Brooklyn loft? This storyline is the worst, but ANYWAY.
Furthermore, Chuck only had scenes with Jack Bass and as much as we loved loved loved their scenes other, we felt robbed of our token Nate/Chuck and Lily/Chuck scenes. As Dan opens up to Nate about the terrible sex between him and Blair, we started questioning Nate’s Chair shipper status. Dude, Chuck is your bestie and he’s hurting. Don’t give Lonely Boy advice on how to make his failship stay afloat for two more episodes. Just. Let. It. Die. On another note, it’s funny how Blair is completely OTT OOC throughout this crap, but Dan? He’s pretty much normal. Blaming Blair for the bad sex? Real nice. And typical Humphrey-style. Guess Nate missed the memo stating that DHumps can do NO wrong.
Jack and Chuck were amazing, as usual and we cherished every second of Chuck smiling. Christmas came early for us this year! The hilarious banter between Chuck and Jack was much needed after Chuck’s seemingly never-ending episodes of heartbreak this season. We appreciate Jack’s commitment to being a positive force in Chuck’s life — someone needs to be. We swooned at his comment to Chuck, “We’re all the family each other needs.” Maybe so, but who in fact donated blood that saved the life of The Precious? Our money is on dear old dad. While Diana may turn out to be related to Chuck, recent spoilers seem to point towards the return of Bart Bass. Shocked? Appalled? We were too.
We love a Bass man on a mission and watching Chuck outwit the hospital receptionist in order to access Jack’s medical records was just what the doctor ordered (no pun intended…okay, maybe just a little). We’re saddened–though not surprised–to learn that sexy Uncle Jack has Hep C, but we welcome a Bass family storyline with open arms. Especially since, you know, Blair is occupied slumming it in Brooklyn.
Speaking of which, onto the DB sexfest. This storyline felt awfully familiar…maybe it’s because we already saw it in episode 6.2 of Sex and the City (Note to Safran: Just because 9 years have passed doesn’t mean we’re going to forget that Dan = Jack Berger). Blair taking off her wedding ring right before attempting to sleep with Dylan Dan made her look desperate and just plain sleazy. Combined with the reemergence of the Dair fanfic in the form of Cedric, we found ourselves projectile vomiting and crying from hysterical laughter at the same time.
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Blair Waldorf having sex with Lonely Boy in elevators, seedy bars, and dark alleys is the epitome of rock bottom. You don’t go much lower than that, B. Dumpster sex? Really?! This scene spelled out very clearly two things we already knew to be true: 1) Dan and Blair have no sexual chemistry and are trying wayyyy too hard to make it so, and 2) This is not Blair Waldorf we’re seeing, but Claire Carlyle. This is not GG we’re watching but “Inside” — AKA the worst DB fanfic ever. At least as far as Dan and Blair go. Chuck, on the other hand, has a rather compelling storyline. Serena also appears to be coming into her own.
Serena having a storyline was refreshing and even though she sucked at being GG (as most people seem to *cough* here’s looking at you, Georgina *cough*), we appreciated her moxie. We’re looking forward to Serena’s interactions with the real GG (who is finally making a comeback!!!) and how she navigates being jobless, somewhat homeless, boyfriendless, and pretty much friendless. We’re hoping Saint Dan will be gracious enough to provide Chuck/Serena sibling scenes where, together, they can cope with the loss of Blair and perhaps form a search party for her brain.
As for Nate — we can see that you tried, GG Writers — but he’s still the prettiest background accessory you’ve got.
In short, this episode left a lot to be desired in nearly every aspect. We don’t find it entertaining to watch an already poorly matched couple demonstrate even further how doomed they are. We don’t feel like we are watching GG right now, because the episode seemed to make it a point to show the OOCness of the characters it focused on the most. We loved Chuck bonding with his uncle, but hated how he seemed isolated from his friends. It’s such bad storytelling to have to keep DB alienated in Brooklyn. And seriously… why would we want to watch a GG where the most Blair and Serena interaction we get is them banging each other’s exes?
Upcoming episodes hold promise though. Dan and Blair can’t hide in a dumpster forever. We think Blair is going to wake up sooner or later and realize that “Inside” pales in comparison to her real life. And what fresh hell awaits Chuck with this family storyline? Which of his parents do you think they are going to retcon in some way? You know it’s coming.
All credit goes to: cosmiclovecb.com