CosmicLoveCB has many, many feels after watching the premiere of the final season of GG. First, it’s been a LONG TIME since we were interested in the story as a whole, rather than just wringing our hands and hoping against hope that Chuck wouldn’t end up killing himself by the end of each episode. So there’s that.
Lily wins World’s Worst Mom Award (although she is ironically the BEST mom to Chuck–not that the bar there is very high or even existent) which is perfect considering that she has renewed her vows with the World’s Worst Dad. She SERIOUSLY hasn’t spoken to her daughter for an entire summer, and just assumes everything must be hunky dory? Wow. Rufus has surpassed even his ever-douchey son in douchiness and obliviousness, Dan got bitchslapped twice, Ivy is… icky, Nate is…RELEVANT (yes, you read that correctly)–and Chuck and Blair? Well, their only flaw is being flawless.
Can we start with the sex?
WOWSA. The intimate scenes between Chuck and Blair have always been unparalleled, but dare we say that the Monte Carlo scenes are unparallelable (we just made that word up). Imagine, if you will, being madly, positively in love with someone mutually with whom you also happen to have the “best sex of anyone’s life” and then, due to some super mean writers creating about 3907384628736 obstacles, having to go almost two years without being together? Add in super obnoxious things like royal weddings, comas and Cabbage Patch dolls, and think about just how much of a relief it would be when the two of you finally get it together…in a huge bed in a hotel room in Monte Carlo. EXPLOSIVE. And it was! As Blair said later when they were discussing their days long sexcapades, she’s pretty sure she might have had an actual fever. It was almost (but obviously not quite) as satisfying for the majority of GG fans as it was for Chuck and Blair. Thank you Josh Schwartz. Thank you Stephanie Savage.
Speaking of hot sex, remember when everyone (OK, maybe it was just us) thought Nate’s sole purpose on the show was to be pretty and bang guest stars? Not anymore! While it’s inevitable that Nate will be getting into Sage’s barely pubescent pants next week, we would still like to take this moment to bask in the glory of Nate Archibald in 6.01. He is somewhat successfully running The Spectator all by himself like the big boy that he is, he is the only one with a direct line to Gossip Girl, AND he’s solely responsible for locating one Serena van der Woodsen.
Name dropping Columbia though? Come on, Natey. Like you actually went there.
But…back to Chuck and Blair—this IS a CB blog first and foremost after all, we’re pretty sure they had more scenes together in one episode than they have for, like, a season and a half. So that was glorious. We loved the sexual tension between them, leading to snarky little comments. HOWEVER…as it turns out, despite having turned the Monte Carlo hotel room upside down with their three day sex marathon, Chuck and Blair are not “officially” together. After their quasi-reunion, Chuck goes off to Dubai to spend his summer plotting against his father with the help of a hottie business woman named Amira who was apparently…acquainted…with Bart, while Blair goes off to Paris to begin her work in running Eleanor Waldorf Designs, with the, er, help of a Frenchman named Jean-Pierre. We loved the strange, but still cute jealous moments when Chuck shows up with Amira and Blair with Jean Pierre at the van der Woodsen penthouse. As per usual, their chemistry was off the charts.
By the end of the episode, we learn that the two have made a pact (ugh, enough with that word, GG writers) to be at a certain place within their careers before finally settling down together. This is half-assedly explained to us in the second most romantic limo scene in television history when Chuck and Blair discuss their plans. Blair is a bit impatient, but Chuck explains to her that they have to wait to be together (in every capacity) because basically, he thinks of nothing but Blair when the two are together. Most of all, he wants to make certain that he is the man she deserves when they make things official. And we do mean “official.” When Chuck pulls out the Harry Winston ring (which Blair is wearing on a necklace) from Blair’s collar and proceeds to kiss it, our fangirl hearts, minds and ovaries detonated completely, entirely and forever. Basically, we have exactly nine more episodes to go until we get our Chuck and Blair wedding. But hey, if Chuck can “walk it off” so can we.
Serena was a shell of her former self…AND WE LOVED IT. Instead of being up to her elbows in cocaine, Nate & Co. found “Sabrina” in 7th Heaven with new beau, Stephen aka Matt Camden + 16 years. She is finally making moves for herself and trying to find happiness. Her bitchslapping of Dan was the most well-deserved thing on GG in years. As much as it pains us to watch Serena and Blair continue to be on the outs, we loved Serena putting Blair in her place and standing up for herself. Way to go, S! Plus, Barry–er, Matt, er–Stephen doesn’t seem to give a shit that Sabrina has been lying to him about pretty much everything. We’re sure he has some secrets of his own. Although we thought the same thing about Snoozey Louis, so…
We enjoyed the banter between Georgina and pretty much everyone. She pwned Dan in ways that were slightly reminiscent of Vanessa, spared effortlessly with Blair, and even set up Chuck for some great one-liners. Words cannot express how much we adored the following line uttered by Chuck: “Thank God I’m an Atheist.”
Dan is at the highest level of douchiness yet. His speech to Blair about “unconditional love” made us realize that he is not just butthurt, but he is also delusional. Dan wouldn’t know unconditional love if it bitchslapped him in the face at a gay wedding. Even his own father has been the victim of Dan’s inability to love and accept ANYONE for who they are. The only person whom might count is Jenny, but with Dan’s one-sided obsession with the girl who made his sister’s life more miserable than anyone, we’re not sure he even remembers he has a sister. Throw in the fact that he is writing a #superangryrevenge book to say “eff you” to all those meanie UESers who have done him so terribly wrong, even though all they’ve ever done is accept him, and well, he is a tool and that is that.
So after Dan is rightfully slapped twice, he comes home to find Rufus and Ivy intertwined like a Chinese finger-trap What happens when you take two of the most annoying and irrelevant characters on a TV show and make them hook up? They suddenly become kind of interesting! And gross. So, so, so gross. Also, we would just like to point out that this is a grave injustice to the crack-ship, Vufus and we are forever bitter.
A few minor complaints: It drives us nuts not knowing the story of how Blair got the HW ring. Are they engaged? Engaged to be engaged? We don’t think even on the UES would people wear million dollar engagement rings as promise rings. Not that we’re mad either way. This is more of a head scratcher than a complaint. Plothole or future OMFG? With GG, you never know.
Dan’s hair. All of it. Are they purposely making Dan less and less attractive to highlight the diminishing of all of his redeeming qualities, whatever they may be? Furthermore, are they purposely trying to make the Humphrey men completely repugnant this season? Cuz…it’s working?
So…not a perfect episode, not by a long shot. But after the shitshow that was Season 5, we are happy that we seem to be watching Gossip Girl again, rather than some terrible, mindfucking, AU fanfic that made our eyes and ears bleed. Any episode that starts with Chuck and Blair getting it on, and ends with a Chuck/Blair/Harry Winston/limo foursome is cool with us.
All credit goes to cosmiclovecb.com