Serena: You brought Nate?
Blair: I'm just as flummoxed as you are. I got out at 53rd and made a run for it but he is faster than he looks.
Blair: Oh Nate, what are you doing here? I thought there was a Mets game. I saw Dorota wearing her hat.
Blair: Penelope, take off that hideous scarf. You can see it from space.
Blair: Serena's been in jail for four hours, she's already served more time than Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie combined!
Blair: (to Dan) The Ladies Room? I knew you and Serena were having problems, but I had no clue they were anatomical.
Blair: This is a B.
Rachel: Yes. It is.
Blair: You're new here so you don't know how it works.
Rachel: I have a feeling you're about to explain.
Blair: Second semester seniors get a free pass, like pregnant ladies or 14-year-old Chinese gymnasts. Constance wants their students to get into the best colleges. That's why this free pass exists. The headmistress, if she knew about this grade, she'd rap you on the wrist.
Rachel: Maybe, in time, I'll get in trouble for not inflating grades like everyone else, Miss Waldorf, but until then, I'll give them based on merit.
Blair: Cancel the Nelly Yuki project now!
Miss Queller: When I spoke to Dean Barrowby this morning, he assured me that if the student they've accepted turns them down, you are next in line.
Blair: Dan Humphrey. He's like a cafeteria lady who won the lottery. You couldn't pry that acceptance from his hands with the jaws of life.
Serena: [hugs Dan] This is MY news.
Blair: A postcard would have been fine. I'm really happy for you. I'm going to go vomit now.
Serena: He was probably thinking about you the whole time he was in Thailand.
Blair: Not unless I was a Thai hooker named Bo.
Blair: [to Nate] I'm not maternal, I've just been spending too much time with Cyrus and I'm turning Jewish. Come on, I see kugel.
Blair: [to Dorota] What are you staring at? Go polish something.
Blair: She kissed me on the cheek and left a big orange lipstick mark, it looked like I'd been spray tanned!
Blair: A woman needs to be with a man who thinks of only her. Anything else is a non-starter. Tell him how you feel. DOROTA! More flour.
Serena: Are you baking already?
Blair: Dorota, are you insane?
Dorota: I don't know.
Blair: You used the everyday china. Cyrus will think we're just common upper-middle class. Get the Auberge and hurry up
Blair: I am Grace Kelly, Grace Kelly is me.
Blair: He's totally unsuitable.
Blair: Cyrus. He's five feet tall. He has a catchphrase. And he's a hugger. I was expecting Cary Grant and I got Danny DeVito!
Blair: Serena, I called you like 10 times last night! Where have you been?
Serena: I went to the dentist at lunch, and yesterday, I met Aaron in Times Square. B, it was the most romantic thing...
Blair: Who cares about plaque or pretentious artists when your best friend is having a meltdown!
Emma: They call him the de-virginator.
Blair: Oh my God, stop your mouth from moving.
Emma: But now that I finally have the night away from my mom and dad, we'll see who's first. We're saying TTFN to my you know what.
Blair: Or maybe we'll see how your mom feels about your little clearance sale, little Lohan.
Emma: But you're perfect!
Dan: So he just got up and left, abruptly?
Blair: Like a Bass out of hell
Blair: Just because you two are making a doomed attempt at being friends doesn't mean I have to play the enabler.
Blair: I have an itch that only Chuck can scratch and he won't oblige unless I tell him I love him.
Dan: You need help getting Chuck to sleep with you? Really?
Blair: [to Serena] You hear the judgment in his voice right now right?
Serena: He's working on that.
Chuck: My my, that girl has gotten under your skin.
Blair: The question is, Bass — will you?
Vanessa: I can make you help me you know.
Blair: Oh, it makes jokes too!
Vanessa: Everyone knows you and Marcus broke up, but no one knows why. [shows picture]
Blair: Even you wouldn't stoop that low.
Vanessa: Blackmail works so well for you ... maybe I'm missing out!
Blair: [to Vanessa] What are you doing here with those? Shouldn't you be at Whole Foods?
Blair: That little troll Vanessa's working my last nerve.
Chuck: Not what I expected.
Blair: Until I realized, this could benefit both of us.
Chuck: You had me until "troll."
Yale Dean: The young lady before you told me a delightful story. She was recently in a fashion show. Just for fun.
Blair: Well, I ... know I must seem rather traditional, compared to that young lady. But isn't tradition what Yale is all about?
Blair: Since we're not friends anymore, let me speak frankly. You're not that smart. You lack focus and discipline. Charm is all well and good, but in the real world, knowledge is power. You wouldn't make it past the first round of admissions at Yale no matter how hard you tried.
Serena: I know you may find this hard to believe, but not everyone wants to go to Yale because not everyone wants to be Blair Waldorf.
Blair: Not everyone can be.
Serena: Brown is an Ivy League school.
Blair: Everyone knows that the only REAL Ivies are the holy trinity: Harvard, Yale and Princeton.
Serena: So you're off to Yale?
Blair: Your deductive reasoning skills are perfect for a place like Brown.
Serena: A place like Brown?
Blair: You know, an enclave of trustafarians and children of celebrities who major in drum circles and semiotics, whatever that is.
Blair: Who put Serena and that Poppy person in the front row!? And all those socialites?! Someone changed this chart! The chart MY mother asked me to do! Who changed it?!
Dorota: Eleanor say ... Miss Jenny change it.
Blair: Jenny Humphrey?! Guess she didn't learn her lesson last year. Looks like someone needs a refresher course.
Blair: Don't ever go to high school, Dorota. The girls are spoiled, stupid and ungrateful! One snapshot with a socialite and it's all Serena, Serena, Serena!
Chuck: Watching you fail spectacularly gives me so much joy.
Blair: And you know what you give to everybody else, Chuck? Misery. There's a reason you're always out here alone.
Blair: Are those Tory Burch's last-season flats?
Girl: ... I got them on sale?
Blair: This girl is Dan with boobs.
Catherine: Blair, have you seen Nate?
Blair: Umm, no. It's a blackout.
Blair: Not that it's any of your business, but Marcus and I have an amazing sex life.
Chuck: Really? [pauses] What names does he call you when you make love? Where does he put his hand? Does he ... [whispers] Have sex with me.
Chuck: Just once, that's all I ask.
Blair: You are disgusting and I hate you.
Chuck: Then why are you still holding my hand?
Blair: It's like Roman Holiday but I'm Gregory Peck and he's Audrey Hepburn!
Blair: Your plan to ruin me totally backfired. Turns out Marcus' mommy is even sicker than you are.
Chuck: You got along great?
Blair: I think she recognized herself in me. Or rather, I recognized something in her.
Chuck: I don't follow.
Blair: All you need to know is, you lost. It was a solid effort.
Chuck: Tomorrow's another day.
Blair: Good night, Chuck.
Blair: This party's a complete bust. My whole life's a bust.
Chuck: I thought you might like to meet my friend.
Blair: Why, so she can warn me bout the effects of too much botox?
Catherine: Blair, is it? I'm Duchess Beaton.
Blair: [flabbergasted] Duchess? Nice to meet you.
Serena: This could be a good opportunity for us to talk about things, I'm still kind of down about the breakup...
Blair: What is there to talk about? You're finally free of Downer Dan and I've got my old Serena back!
Blair: Squash? I'll squash YOU.
Chuck: It's just a game, Blair.
Blair: Not to me, Basshole. I like him!
Chuck: So do I. And apparently he doesn't have too many friends.
Chuck: [to Nate] By the way Archibald, now that the summer's over I can tell you I never believed any of the talk that you hit it with my sis... [sees Blair] morning, Waldorf!
Blair: It was until now.
Blair: At least I could have gotten a more interesting stand-in than James. You know how hard it is to find a good fake boyfriend on short notice?
Blair: I would be in my cabana at the Hotel de Cat, and there he would be. Amid all the fireworks on Bastille Day, all I could see was that... Chuck Bass-tard!
Blair: What about all those rumors about you and Nate?
Serena: Mmm mmm. Not true. They just got people off my back so I could stop being sad, and Nate could go do whatever he wants, so it worked out for both of us.
Blair: You mean you haven't had ANY fun with anyone all summer?
Serena: There's this hot lifeguard that asked me out, but I, you know, I turned him down
Blair: A hot lifeguard is like kleenex! Use once and throw away. You could ask for a better rebound!
Blair: Damn that mother Chucker! He's totally right! I don't even like James!
Serena: Thank you. I was totally waiting for that.
Serena: I still miss Dan sometimes... more than sometimes.
Blair: The only thing lamer than dating Dan Humphrey... is mourning Dan Humphrey.