BEST OF ANDERSON:
Anderson: Please support the official release, you protestant fuckbucket.
Alucard: Well. Now that's over with. Let's go back to my place and eat my favorite cereal- (gets decapitacated)
Anderson: Now that that's over with, let's go to my place and eat my favorite cereal- (Sara's gone) AHH SON OF A PROSITION WHORE!
Anderson: Well. You know what time it is.. (Rape time)
Anderson: So what can I do for you, Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan... ah-who is also Italian?
Intergra: You do realise. This is a great violation of our agreement.
Anderson: Oh. And what makes you say that?
Intergra: Because your killing my men!
Anderson: (kills two of her men wait infront of her) I have no idea what your talking about!
Anderson: you will witness what happens what here today, and you will will speak of it later.. Except you won't. BECAUSE I'LL KILL YEAH! (dramatic laughter).
Anderson: You know what. Fuck it.. Knife!
Anderson: It’s a shame for you lost your head. A careless vampire, who wound up dead. You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize. Too many lies… too many lies.
Anderson: Least till its time ta sligh in da nigght!
Anderson: By Jove, you fucking hedder of a woman! Surrounded by fifty vampire Nazis armed literally to the teeth, and what do you do!? You get out of your fucking car, pull out your sword, cut off one of their heads and yell, "come at me, you kraut shits!" No wonder Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil. I'm thinking about growing some flowers myself! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
BEST OF JAN VALENTINE:
Jan: Aw man, that totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
Guard: Oh yeah. Where from?
Jan: (Jan snaps his fingers, summoning countless machine gun barrels; MP5 Navy+Suppressor, to be exact, from the bus behind him) Texas! [Sub-Machine gun fire; guards killed]
Jan: Aww shit.. I guess we need more preyer in school!
Walter: (grabs Jan's arm) I got your arm!
Jan: (his arm tears off) SO SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!
Jan: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skull-fuck that Hellsing bitch... And the old guys... Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone!! Come here, ghoul!!
Jan: Alright, alright... what you do, is you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called Viagra, and it will help you go fuck yourself!
Jan: [Laughing] I don't know what's fucking funnier, the fact that you think that your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if you did! (Is suddenly enveloped in blue fire) AND NOW I'M ON FUCKING FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME!!
BEST OF ALUCARD:
Alucard: Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How did all this come about?” Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full. I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire. Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… It’s funny.
Priest Vampire: I still plan to kill her. But first.. I'm gonna kill YOU!
Alucard: Oh? See, that would be intimidating, if you were… well, intimidating.
Priest Vampire: Grr.. Are you mocking me!?
Alucard: Oh, no, no, no, no, no… Pfft, yeah. (shoots the priest vampire).
Alucard: Oh, yeah. Forgot about you. Sorry about that whole “shooting you” thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart - which is currently all over that tree - you’ll find a way to forgive me.
Police Girl: [dying] Guh… gah…
Alucard: Awww, geez, you look like a puppy. A blonde, eviscerated puppy.
Police Girl: [still dying] Gah… *tear*
Alucard: Christ! Fine! I’ll help you! But only because you got nice tits.
Integra: You need to stop going on walks.
Alucard: And you need to hurry up and hook up some god-damned DSL in here!
Alucard: Sweet Black fucking Sabbath! If I wasn’t holding out for that beast of a woman Integra, I’d fuck the red right out of those eyes. [Seras gets stabbed by holy sacred bayonets in the back] Well… kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina.
Anderson: How the blood-soaked protestant hell did you do that?!
Alucard: Fuck you, that’s how.
Integra: Over the last couple of years we've had some... expensive claims...
Alucard: Like what?
Sir Integra: First off -- property damage.
[cut scene of an explosion and people running away from OVA 6]
Alucard: Good times.
Sir Intergra: Dozens of noise complaints...
[cut scene to Police Girl and Alucard blasting Nobody by Skindred]
Alucard: Sorry! I can't hear you!
Integra: Killing at least a dozen innocent people...
Alucard: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!
Integra: And, all of the sexual harassment.
Alucard: ... I'm not apologizing.
Alucard: Come on! You were talking all of that good shit a second ago, then I blew your fucking legs off!!
Luke Valentine: But, I... you... what the fuck?!
Alucard: What's wrong demi-god? Just grow back your legs, (As he SMASHES the leg in his hand!) summon up your demons, hit me; FIGHT ME!!! Give me a hug~!
Luke Valentine: Really...? (Baskerville the AFOREMENTIONED Big Black Dog descends upon him as a certain soon-to-be bloody Valentine cries: ) OH GOD NO-!!!
[Cut to conferance room phone, as the committee members and Integra listen to Luke being violently eaten alive. By the Big Black Dog. Integra smiles wryly.]
Alucard: (on speakerphone): We're here on Epic Meal Time!! I'm the sauce boss, and tonight, we're eating this blond little wannabe demi-god bitch!
Alucard: It was the Nazis, wasn't it?
Sir Integra: No!
Alucard: Bet you I'm right!
Sir Integra: Bet you you're wrong!
Alucard: Bet you you're a skank~!
Sir Integra: Bet you you're an asshole!
Alucard: BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!
Alucard: (appears though wall) HEY KIDS WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY!?
Integra: What did you do?
Alucard: Alright. (Alucard over the phone) But you can't be mad at me.
Integra: What did you do?
Alucard: Okay, first, I was minding my own business-
Integra: (Slams hand on table) BULLSHIT!!
Alucard: (Whining) I was!!!!
Integra: And exactly what happened whilst you were minding your own business?
Alucard: So I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller and then all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!
[Door gets kicked in by B.O.P.E. forces, as Alucard recounts his trial of tribulation.]
Alucard: One of them yelled out: (Cut to the B.O.P.E. Schmuck.)
Schmuck: GET ON YOUR KNEES!
Alucard: And I responded with: (Cut to the past.) I fucked your mother last night!!
Alucard: And they took exception to that. (Raging gunfire ensues, as the Schmuck emits a war cry, and Alucard's body gets shot to the ground. Not Dead, by the way. KThxDie.) But you know how that song and dance goes. (Men screaming as they die) And I killed all but one of them.
Integra: What happened to the last one?
(Man whimpering and shoots himself in the head.)
Alucard: PUSSED OUT LIKE A BITCH!!
Alucard: Silver lining? I can cancel my room service!
Alucard: You're right. Enough focusing on the past. Instead, let's focus on the past! [We see flashbacks to his and Walter's battles with the Nazis, considering we're a bit too early to Abridge the Dawn.] Back in World War II, Walter and I were part of a top-secret government operation called "Operation: Kraut Control". Walter was fifteen, and I'm pretty sure if I'm remembering correctly, I was a girl.
Reggie: Wait a second, but that implies that the Queen-
Alucard: INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!
Alucard: (laughing) HE'S STILL SO FUCKIN FAT! He's like a Nazi Louis C.K.! Wait wait no no, Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan!
Alucard: Walter, do you know what my top three favorite things I've killed are? Third is the Turks. Second is Nazis. Can you guess the first?
Walter: Your father?
Alucard: (Claps) Nailed it!
Alucard: The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird. An advanced long-range strategic reconnaissance aircraft capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of 85,000 feet.
Integra: You sure do seem to know a lot about it.
Alucard: DO YOU EVEN READ MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!
BEST OF MAJOR:
The Major: Gentlemen… ve… are Nazis!
Nazis: Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
The Major: Und ve… vill have var!
Nazis: Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
The Major: Und ve… und ve… *sneeze*
Nazis: Gesundheit! Gesundheit!
Doctor: But Major, now zhat zhey know of our plans...
Major: Ah, Herr Doctor, but that iz the plan~! Now that zhey know our plan, zhey will plan around our plan, and zo we zhall in turn plan around zhe plan zhat zhey are planning around our plan!!
Doctor: Your brilliance knows no bounds!
Major: And regardless... We have one advantage that they sorely lack... ZEPPELINS!
The Major: I'm sure you're chomping at the bit to find out vhat ve have in store for you, nein?
Integra: Nazi army.
The Major: ...wow, just, kill all the fun! Put the fun in camps, vhy don't you?!
The Major: Gentlemen. Operation Bait Van Winkle is a rezounding success. Alucard is now exactly where we need him to be so we can move forward with our little...surprise. However, before ve begin our next phase, I would like to take some time to address a rumor floating around the fleet. Some of you have come to believe that I like var. I wish to dash these rumors! I do not like var. I. LOVE. VAR. Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war. You get up in ze morning, you get into your shitty car, und you see a rich CEO who works half as hard as you do drive down ze street in his Porsche. "Class Var." You make it to vork, und you find out that ze annual drug test is today. Und you just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife's awful parents. "Drug Var." But zhen, you find out that ze only ones being called in for testing are your black and Hispanic co-workers. "Race Var." Then, you try und post about it on your Facebook, but zen all your friends start arguing about vhat's right und what's wrong. "Flame Var." You finally get home, und you decide to relax by vatching a program about: "Who gets ze box?" "What's in ze box?" "How much is vhat's in ze box worth?" "Storage Vars." (chuckles) (Gustav Holsts - "The Planets - Mars, the Bringer of War" starts playing in the background) What I am telling you, my Nazi army of one zhousand vampires, is that I am a purveyor of var. And with your help over ze years, ve are now at the precipice of our true goal. You see, I vant a simple var. No Class Vars, no Drug Vars, no Race Vars, no Flame Vars, und certainly, no Cold Vars! Blueballed for forty years. Vhat I vant is a var zhat only ve can bring. A true var! A German var! The sequel you've all been vaiting for! I! VANT! VORLD! VAR!! THREE!!!
Nazi: Even London bridge.
Major: Yes. Yes. London Bridge is falling down. We all know the song.
The Doktor: Zhe Holocaust Museum?
The Major: Leave zhat be. No one vill deny vhat ve did.