Been seeing it about four months now, and it's the most "quotable" series EVER...
(live audience scene):
Peele: What I often do.. I take note of things my girl dose wrong, and call her on it at the right times.
Key: (pretending to be the girl) Jordon, why'd you leave the toilet seat up?
Peele: BITCH WHY WAS YOU LATE LAST NIGHT, AND I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING!?
(live audience scene):
Girl in audience: (laughing too hard)
Key: Ma'am... Breath.
Key: (texting angrily) do you even WANT to hang out!?
Peele: (texting calmly) Like I said whatever.
Key: (reading text) Like I said whatever!?.. FUCK THIS GUY!!
Peele: (as girl character) You are LITERARY an asshole!
Key: I can't be LITERARY an asshole! I have legs, and a body!
(to live audience)
Key: In movies.. In every group of 3 white friends, they always has to be the "black best friend".
Peele: Yes, and the lines are always the same.. (names several lines I forget what they are).
Key: There's also..
Both: Oh Hell's no!..
Peele: Yes, and they always say the moral at the end.. "Guess you learned the true meaning of (insert here)"
Key: Come on guys... Not "every" black dude is "wise" and "reasonable".
(to live audience)
Key: I heard a line by Mel Gibson.. He said "I hope you get rapped by a pack of niggers!"... a PACK!?
Peele: Yes. He is the most racist man in the world.
Key: If he said a pack of.. African americans... It is NOT better..
Peele: (telling joke) So there's this girl.
Key: uh huh?
Peele: and she goes to her doctor.
Peele: And asks him.. Will you have kiss with me?
Key: (bursts into laughter).
Peele: No.. That wasn't the joke.. It was just the build up.
Key: (laughs even harder).
Peele: (trying to shout over Keagan's laughter) She asks that.. And he says, no that would be unprofessional.
Key: Unprofessional. HAWHAWHAWHAW!!
Peele: Still not the punch line.
Key: (laughing anyway).
Peele: (over the laughter) SHE ASKS HIM AGAIN.. HE SAYS.. I SUDDEN'T EVEN HAVE SEX WITH YOU WAIT NOW.
Key: (falls silent, despite this having been the punch line)... Then what?
Peele: Guess.. She sues him.
Key: (laughs loudly).
Killer: I will cover you in gasoline and set you on FIRE!!
Peele: Funny you should say that.. I'm getting pretty cold in here.
(the duo wake up in the SAW bathroom).
Key: ... Not so bad.
Peele: Yes, it's all about prospective, at least I'm alive.
Key: Yeah, there's sort of a positive in having no opinions, we know we won't escape so we won't even try.
Peele: Plus.. All this time away from my phone.. My lap top.. I feel unplugged..
Key: And you know what else.. (his arm is cut off) Don't miss the arm... I'm a lefty anyway.
(to live audience).
Key: We black people, avoid ANYTHING supernatural.
Peele: (pretending to be a magician) Pick a card.
Key: OH HELL'S NO! YOU A DEMON! (walks off),
Peele: I said biiiiiiiiitch!
Peele: FUCK STEVE!
Key: YOU WILL FUCK STEVE'S DICK IF HE ASKS YOU TOO! YOU WILL SUCK HIS FUCKIN DICK! HE IS OUR BREAD AND BUTTER YOU MOTHER FUCKER!.. I AM HIGH ON COCAINE!
Peele: I'M A FUCKIN ACTOR!.. I DID MORE COCAINE THAN YOU WEITH MOTHERFUCKER!!
Key: (as news reporter) This just in.. Little baby susie is still missing.. Help us lo- What's that? They found her? She's fine? Well FUCK ME!! (throws something in anger).
Key: (as detective) We KNOW you killed her.. You have a song about it.
Peele: (as rapper) ... It's just words man.
Key: (as detective) The NAME of the album! Is "I killed (the victims name)!".. And look at the cover.. It's you standing over her body, holding the gun we found at the scene!
key: (as idiot guard) BREAKING HIM OUT HERE!
Peele: (prisoner) Don't shout.. (sarcastically) may as well pull the alarm.
Key: Good idea.. (pulls the alarm).
Key:: Roommate meeting... Roommate meeting!
Peele: Gogo, what the hell? I've got a hangover!
Key: I don't give a fuck about your hangover, okay Brendan? I want a roommate meeting, and I want it now! Okay... Now, somebody's been taking shit out of the refrigerator and throwing it on the ground, and it's pissing me off.
Guy: Is this another one of your stupid pranks, Jonald?
Jonald: No.. And YOUR pranks are stupid.
Is it you, Monday?
Jonald: (scary ghost behind them) I said, somebody's been taking shit out of the fridge and throwing it on the fuckin ground! And I want to know who it is, because it's not funny!
Key: (the ghost behind is closer) Well, what I want to know is, who keeps pulling the sheets off my bed and hanging them from the ceiling fan at night? Was that you, Monday?
Key: (ghost is closer) Have you been taking everybody's sheets off them in the night and hanging them from the ceiling fans?
Monday: What? No.
Key: (ghost is closer) Well, clearly, someone's been doing that! (glass shatters obviously from the ghost they aren't aware of) Whoa! Who did that? Peele: (the ghost is still behind them) Yeah! who the fuck just did that!? Which one of you just threw that bottle?
Guy: What are we even talking about right now? Key: Did you fucking throw that bottle, Jonald? Jonald: No, Gogo! fuck you! I didn't throw it!
Key: Well, did you fucking throw that bottle, Brendon?
Jonald: Yeah! You WOULD do that, Brendon.
Peele: Dude, no! I didn't throw the bottle!
Key: (ghost is inches away from them) Well, somebody threw that fucking bottle, and you're the one who drew dicks on everyone's forehead!
Guy: Yeah, you did do that!
Peele: (ghost is touching him) But dicks are hilarious, though!
Guy: This is just destructive! What about you, Monday? Did you throw that bottle?
Ghost: (low growl).
Monday: What bottle?
Key: The fuckiing bottle, dude! It just smashed against the wall, and you even said some shit about it!
Monday: Well, I didn't throw a bottle.
Key: Well, obviously, it wasn't Ping. He's got the best grades in the house.
Possesed guy: (hisses)
Key: Good point, Ping.
Killer: Hey.. You ladies want to see Channing Tatum?
Key and Peele: (dressed as girls). OH MY GOD! (they crawl in the van),
Peele: Where are you Channing?
Key: (happily) Is that a hawksaw?
Key: IT'S GONNA BE A FUCKIN STREET FIGHT!!
Peele: YOU WILL RESPECT ME! YOU LITTLE SHIT!!
Both: We put the pussy of the train wails!!