AVGN: You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allows four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person! I have a better chance of cloning myself. (four Angry Video Game Nerds play and curse at the same time)
AVGN 1: Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playing this fucking game? So, the hell with that shit!
AVGN 2: Yeah! The hell with that... damn shit!
AVGN 3: The hell with that damn... fucking shit!
AVGN 4: THE HELL WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT!
AVGN 3: (nervously) Relax.
AVGN: (being forced by Jason Voorhees to make POSITIVE review of a really bad Friday the 13th game) What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies!... Oh, and every great game has a map screen, and being that the game is mostly side scrolling, you can't tell which direction you're supposed to be going. But, that's cool. It's cool. It makes it more challenging. I like that. Like when you're walking left but really heading to the right on the map? I love figuring that shit out. ...I love it. ... It's just great. (sees if Jason is there, and seeing he isn't speaks how he REALLY feels) LIKE PUKE UP A DONKEY'S ASS! WHAT A SHITLOAD OF MOTHERFUCKING BULLFUCK! I mean I'd rather eat snot and diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's dick, and if you thought I was serious about this game -- [ Jason Voorhees comes out and grabs AVGN by the throat and threatens him with a machete) -- you're absolutely right because I was just kidding! I was just kidding! I swear! I swear to God, I was just kidding! I was just kidding!! It's not a shitload of fuck! It's NOT a shitload of fuck! (Jason lets AVGN go and leaves)
AVGN: This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot without your toes or heels touching the floor. It would be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper, while wearing boxing gloves! The fact that you can get hit only once pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. HOW DO YOU DIE FROM JUST TOUCHING A WALL!? I can understand if he's flying it like 200 miles per hour and he crashes into the wall! But the fact that he just touches the wall and dies is just ridiculous. I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So why'd they make him into a wimp!? Why is he fucking up rubber ducks and weeping like a crybaby!? It's like some sort of fucking joke. Like, what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fucking insult! This game should have been classic! But instead, it's worthless! It's as worthless as this fucking LJN poster I have back here! MAN, I WOULD JUST PISS AND SHIT ALL OVER THIS FUCKING GAME!!! IN FACT, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HAVING AN ANAL EVACUATION!!! (drinks beer) Fuck! (Takes the game out of the NES and throws it at the wall).
AVGN: Somewhere up here, there's a rope which, I don't know if it's important or not. You blow up this gym locker or whatever it is and he says, "I'd have to be desperate to tie that on and jump off! No, thanks!" Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say, "No, I'm not gonna do that!"? Going back to Mario again, what if Mario just said "You know, I'm really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No thanks." This is ridiculous. I mean, he won't climb down with a rope, but he'll jump out a window and fucking kill himself?!
AVGN: So, when the game's over, the screen goes black, like a Mortal Kombat fatality. And the girl kicks you in the butt. How violent, she kicks you in the rear. Now I can take bodies getting slashed apart with the chainsaw, but a kick in the ass? That's fucking hardcore. Fuck this game. What a piece of shit.
AVGN: Some call it a platformer game, some call it an adventure game. I classify it as a "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of game. Yeah, one of those.
AVGN: It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a shitty game!
AVGN: (after finishing the car-carrying stage 4) So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah. What kind of game is this!? Is this some sort of insanity test!? Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do. This game doesn't even qualify as shit! It's like the equivalent of shit taking a shit! This is unspeakably, shockingly bad. It's sickeningly loathsome! It's a fucking suffering to the mind! It's a bunch of fuck and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it! This is a job for the fucking Nerd! (unbuttons his shirt to reveal a blue Superman shirt. Flies up to the sun and tosses the game into into it while a rock version of Superman Theme plays.)
AVGN: You know, there's been many games based on the Angry Video Game Nerd... which is me. Yeah, all these years while I've been busy playing shitty games, people've been making games about myself. There's been so many games about me, I can't even keep up. Unlike the majority of games I've ripped apart, these ones were made by independent game developers, usually single handedly, all by their selves, and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of Laughin' Joking Numbnuts ever could. (He's referring to the game publisher, LJN.) Another thing that makes these games different from the games I usually play, is that I have to play them on a computer. (The Nerd looks at the Commodore 64.) Hmm... (He shrugs his shoulders.) Well, anyway, the first AVGN game I'm gonna look at is: The Angry Video Game by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!
AVGN: (Commenting on the game over screen) That's ingenious. That's the best game over screen I ever saw. For real! I'm actually being dead serious. Dead fucking serious. That's brilliant, right? "You and your friends are dead. Game over". It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it! Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever dies in Nintendo. They're either "defeated" or they turn into an item and like float away. But here comes a game like Friday the 13th that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says "You're fucking dead. And your friends, too." Beautiful. (Jason nods in agreement) And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say something even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea what it should say. It should say:
Your Friends Are Dead.
Your Family's Dead.
Your Fucking Pets Are Being Skinned Alive.
Your Mom's A Fucking Whore.
You Suck At Life.
The Whole World Hates You.
You're Going To Hell.
Live With It.