Steve Jobs (Ian): So buy the iPhone 5... OR I'LL #$%^ YOUR #$%@ AND @#$%$ YOUR @#$%!.. (smiles)
Ian: (evilly) Here you go Mom! (giggles evilly)
[Ian's Mom eats the donut and starts choking]
Ian: Die mom! (laughs)
Ian's Mom: (coughs) Just a sprinkle.
Ian: (visibly upset) But you're supposed to DIE!
[Ian starts crying]
Ian's Mom: Oh, honey, honey, you can try to kill me again later.
Anthony: So I woke up super-glued to the toilet seat. And the toilet was filled with poop. I mean FILLED, like 10 people just decided not to flush. I started gagging so I flushed the toilet... and then it started overflowing with me still glued to the seat. So there I was, glued to the toilet and being hit with wave after wave of other people's poop.
Ian: (smirks) Dude, you're totally gonna lose this one! Burritos are made out of, OK - one: cement, and two: Donald Trump's old skin!
Anthony: Yeah, but I tried both of these things, and they TASTE JUST FINE!!
Anthony: Let's do.. the skissors!
Anthony: (points at Scissors) These skissors!
Ian: "Oooh, you mean the skis-órs? YEAH! LET’S DO IT!!
Anthony: Let's go, burrito! Come back to me!
[Anthony throws the burrito, which comes back, soaring straight over his head and keeps going]
Burrito: (voiced by Ian) SEE YOU LATER, F*GGET!!
Anthony: Anyway, what about the abilty to hear your dog's thoughts?
(Anthony is sitting on a couch, eating a hot dog. A dog stares at him)
Dog: Hey, give me the hot dog! Give me the hot dog! Hey give me the hot dog! Give me the hot dog! Hey, give me the hot dog! Give me the hot dog! JUST GIVE ME THE GODDAMN HOTDOG!!
Anthony: How about the ability to turn into water?
(Ian takes a glass of water and drinks it)
(Camera pans to Anthony)
Anthony: That's my water!
Anthony: Yeah, but what about the ability to detect when your friend's feeling really akward, 'cause you've been sitting on his lap this entire time.
Ian: (was sitting on the lap the entire time) Why would you ever need that power?
Anthony: (enthusiastically) Dig me a hole to China, burrito! [starts digging] I wanna see some Chinese people!
[After a short while, Anthony stops digging in confusion, and then unearths a blue vase. The Merchant from Resident Evil 4 appears]
The Merchant: Greetings, stranger! What are you selling?
Anthony: This is...this is a vase!
The Merchant: Ahh! I'll buy it at a high price! [Gives Anthony money in exchange for the vase]
Anthony: (excited) Oh! Eleven bucks?! WOO! YEAH!
Reporter: (about Smosh) We're reporting live on how an emo-hair loser and bowl-hair reject managed to get so many views on their stupid videos right in this house. (gets attacked by zombies)
Anthony: (not realizing it's them) Man, I wanted to make fun of those stupid-haired losers!
Ian: I'll bet your churro can't be a pink frosted sprinkled donut!
Anthony: Oh, yes it CAN!
Ian: Oh, Yeah!? No it can't because your churro isn't pink, it isn't frosted, it isn't sprinkled , and it's definitely not PINK!
Anthony: Well maybe if I ca-
Ian: Well yeah?! yeah?! so you know what? F!#K YOU!!
Narrator: It's been 13 hours, how do you feel now?
Jim: Must keep working, must never stop working, must always work, I love to work!
Boss: Jim, go home, everybody already left.
(Jim turns to his boss and screen turns red)
Jim (demonically possessed voice): NOT RIGHT NOW CHIEF, I AM IN THE FRICKING ZONE!!
(Jim turns back to his computer and keeps typing)
Jim: (normal voice) I love work I am going I will keep on typing If I stop typing I will die *laughs maniacally*
Narrator: 15 hour energy, because taking care of yourself with a proper diet and sleep is f**king stupid!
Dickle: And if you don't believe the Potter Pill will work for you, just listen to these satisfied customers.
(the customers are seen dead)
Dickle: It's even FDA approved.
Dr. Peacock: (has a gun over his head) This product is FDA approved.
Ian: What the hell does GPS stand for!?
Anthony: I don't know, it's just a cool combination of letters that don't mean anything, like USA.
Anthony: Let's take a stab at your mom with my dic- (shows book) -tionary!
Ian: Why did you tell your grandpa I'm gay?
Anthony: Cause he was old and it made him happy!
Ian: What was that noise!?
Anthony: I don't know.. You should go check it out by himself, where nobody can hear you, and without bringing any form of weapon, just take this (gives him flashlight).