Vanilla Ice: So what’s it like?
Girl: What’s what like?
Ice: You know, having.. Parents.. Brothers.. All that, stuff.. Y’know?
Jon (dressed as alien): I am simple asking a normal human question, out of, curiousity, and not for my, deta, HUMAAAAAN!!!
Jon (singing Whitney Houston): AND IIIIIIIIIIII (HOLY SHIT!!) WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’D DO THIS TO ME! GOD DAMMIT, HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!
Ben: That's a fake. That's not my sister.
Jenny: Ben I know those people.
Nito (gets disturbingly close to the girls)
Macie: Just leaving:
Jon: Oh hi, Just Leaving, I'm *blows whistle* RAPE!!!
Jon (singing): BLOOOOOOOOOD DICE! BLOOOOOOOOOD DICE! D&D WILL! GIVE YOU! AAAAAAAIDS! THEN YOU'LL GO TO HELL WITH ALL THE CATHOLICS AND JEWS AND PLAY MAGIC THE GATHERING WITH SATAAAAAAAAAN!!!
Nitro: ARE YOU READY TO RPG?!
Jon (taking out an RPG-7): Oh, motherfucker, I was born ready!
Nitro: Then let's get ready to RPG!!!
Party: RPG! RPG! RPG!
Jon: Well if you say so!
(Fires a rocket at Marcie and Debbie)
(Cue a shout of "ALLAHU AKBAR!!!" followed by a building exploding)
Jon (singing): PLAAAYIN' GAMES WITH AN EVIL WITCH WOMAN "WHO'S DEFINITELY COLLEGE AGE", WAIT, WHY DID THAT GUY JUST BLOW SMOKE OUT OF HIS FACE?! THAT'S WEIRD... When you die in the game, you die in real life, except ya don't, you go back to your dorm and play some GTA V!!
Debbie: RPG's aren't that bad.
Debbie's Teacher: Spells, poison, battles, maiming, killing?
Debbie: Yeah, but it's all imagination
Debbie's Teacher: IS IT?!
Jon: Is it, Debbie? Well I suggest you read a totally real book that has absolutely no poisoning, maiming or killing and it called the Holy Bible an- (pauses, staring blankly as he raises up the Bible).. Oh no... that book-that book done got that...
Woman: (Holds up an egg) This is your brain.
Jon: No it's not.
Woman: (Holds up a frying pan) And this is heroin.
Jon: No it's not. It's an egg and a pan.
Woman: This is what happens to your brain. (Smashes the egg with the frying pan)
Jon: No, that's what happens when you smash a-a egg with a pan.
Woman: I didn't go around calling myself a farter.
Jon: Well that's probably a good thing, I don't know if you wanna go around doing that, calling yourself that.
Woman: In my head, I was a social farter.
Jon: (Puzzled look)
Woman: I only farted occasionally.
Jon: I'm getting uncomfortable, I don't really like this, can we turn this one off?
Woman: And my boyfriend called me out on it.
Jon: And good on him. He's taking it right where it matters.
Jon: Whoa, shit dude, that alien just stole that dude's chicck!!
Dad character: My real name, is Hacket.. James Anthony Hackett, Jimmy.
Jon: Jimbo, Jim-Jar, sometimes down at the pub they'd call me Dan, but my name isn't "Dan". I was once visited by an alien species. They referred to me as [cue incomprehensible distortion]. I've never been able to unhear or unsee that.
Phil Swift: Flex Tape, the super strong waterproof tape. (slaps it on fountain hole, stopping the water from getting though) that could easily patch, bond, sheel, and repair.
(close up of Phil slapping the tape on the hole, to "Ghost Love Score")
Tour ette's guy: OHHHH, SHIT!!
L.O.G.: In line with Banjo tradition, your challenge will consist of collecting as many pointless objects as possible.
(Record Needle Scratch)
Jon: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! YOU JUST HOLD ON A SECOND!
(cut to a fat Banjo running and picking up coins at a horrendously slow pace)
Jon: HAHAHAHA GET IT? BECAUSE BANJO-KAZOOIE WAS TOTALLY "THIS" TEDIOUS! (cut to black) (Jon's voice far away) HOLY SHIT!
Jon: We get it, Rareware! You used to be cool! Can-can you get on with it? STOP!.. STOP IT!.. STOP TAUNTING ME!
#16: Jon: I mean, what if after Super Mario World, Nintendo came out with a teaser trailer for Super Mario 64, but upon release day, you were greeted with MARIO CITY SIMULATOR?! AND THEN YOU TURNED ON THE GAME AND SHIGERU MIYAMOTO'S GHOST COMES OUT AND IS LIKE "UHHH FUCKIN' WHO LIKES THE OLD MARIO GAMES AMIRITE? BRB, MAKIN' LEGEND OF ZELDA MODERN WARFARE!!!"
Jon: BAD!! BAD SNAKE!! BAD!!
Jerry: Aw man, you and your dumb hobbies.
Jon [voiceover]: Yea, fuck you for being interested in things, you stupid bitch!
Jon: Oh megistic. Yeah all that's missing is a sign saying "Defiently not haunted"
Jon: Can we get to the romantic subplot already? Please?!
[Cut to said subplot]
Rod (boring voice): I work at a starter company called MCT Software. Got the stock option. Hopefully, if the company makes it big by-
Jon: NEVER MIND, I TAKE IT BACK!!
Jon: Wait, it's just a legend? It's just a silly old legend? I thought it was a real thing, like a real boat with people on it that sank and they died. I s'pose that means my girlfriend's not real then. I guess there were some signs along the way. [flashback starts] When we were at that restaurant, the waiter, he said, "Why did you order two meals and not eat one of them? You just left it there to get cold." and I said, "Curb your tongue! That's my lady, and soon she will be departing on the great steam liner known as the Titanic that is definitely a real ship in the real world." and he said, "...Wait, what?"
Jon: She's sinking! The plot is sinking! Quick, hire the emergency writers! (tosses a bunch of script pages out the window)