Episode 1;

Roman: (meets Niko at the boat stop).

Niko: (stressed) What took you so long!

Roman: Sorry.. I was at a party.. But anyway.. (singing) Welcome, home, Cousin. You know that, I missed ye-

Niko: [Off-Screen] NO! [On-Screen] NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU SING!

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Roman is driving them too the apartment, though he's driving very slowly, much to Niko's anger.

Roman: Do you think Mallorie's mad at me?

Niko: Because you're in the right lane behind a bus and you won't go around it? (sarcastically) No, I'm sure she finds it charming.

Roman: No, because I didn't invite her to come you with me.

Niko: I'm starting to think she dodged a bullet.. The slowest bullet in the world!.

Roman: Calm down Niko.. I thought you had your anger issues under control?

Niko: What are you talking about. I don't have anger issu- (suddenly enraged) OH MY GOD ROMAN! YOU DID "NOT" HAVE TO SLOW DOWN FOR A BIRD!.. YOU KNOW THEY FLY RIGHT!?

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THEME SONG;
link

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MEANWHILE:

Billy: Okay Johnny.. I'll ride up in your bike.

Johnny: I- I don't know man.. You a bit of a dick to me.

Billy: Johnny boy. I have "never" been a dick to you.

Johnny: [rolls his eyes] Oh please! All you EVER do is call me names and rip on me for being Jewish!

Billy: Johnny, when have I "ever" ripped on you for being a Jew?

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[in the playground when first meeting each other] You're a Jew!

{while they argue} Oh yeah! Well your just a stupid Jew!

[Riding on their bikes} SHUT YOUR GOD DAMN JEW MOUTH!

[at the club house, on the front steps] {angry at Johnny} Good job, Jew!

[leaving his seat in the club house] Shut up, Jew!

[angry at Johnny for no explained reason] You're JEWISH!

[seated on a curb with the other boys] Dude, he's Jewish!

[staking out a house] Jew!

[on Nightline, seated next to Johnny] Jew!

[in Ashley's dining room] Jew!

[at the side of a road] Jew!

[next to stacks of lumber, as Johnny is about to whack him] Jew!

[at a barn, through a hole on the roof] Jew!

[Johnny reads a Bible] Jew?!

[At a high school dance]

Billy: I told you Jewish people don't have rhythm.

Johnny: Fuck off, Billy!"

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Billy: ... Okay, except maybe for that one time.

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Niko: So, you full of crap or what!?

Roman: What!?

Niko: Where's luxury condo? Where's sports car? Where's Barbara with big titties and Stephanie who sucks like a vacuum?

Roman: What you talking about?

Niko: In your letters to my mother, in your letters to me... all I hear about is Mr. Big, Mr. Roman, living the American dream. Sports cars, condos, women, money, the beach... opportunity! I come here, and the only thing big about your life is the cockroaches.

Roman: That's right. I got the best cockroaches, I got the best dirt!

Niko: SHUT UP! (angrily punches hole into the wall).

Roman: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, I guess I'm okay with you destroying my property.

Niko: I'm serprised your sober enough to realize this.. You were drunk five minutes ago..

Roman: Relax... No alcohol was consumed during the party... Just kidding. I definitely passed out halfway through and woke up pissed off that no one woke me up when in fact they all tried multiple times to no avail. I've been low key lightweight casually kind of sick so I think my body was just like "yo seriously with all these shots right now?" and when I responded with more shots my body was all like "ok then I'm knocking you the fuck out" and thus began my slumbers. Apparently I was sweating profusely and they were all looking at me like 'is this dude ok?' So yeah when I say I've been low key lightweight casually kind of sick I mean I've been definitely sick. Anyways that stack of money was fake. Yes, it was prop money. I was too drunk to realize it was there, they got it out when I was asleep, but yeah I wasn't trying to "flex" so shut up. And if you don't believe me then why would I have just told all this in such large description? Good one person. This description is just dumb at this point and I'm going to stop giving you unnecessary information righttt aboutttt now..

Raman: But anyway.. But here, all I needed was one good guy. One good guy, I could do well. Not take over the world, but do oka-

Niko: (angrily after looking in the fridge) WHERE'S THE FUCKIN MILK!?

Roman: I don't have any-

Niko: (enraged) Then go out and FUCKIN BY SOME!

Roman: (scared) Okay, okay! (runs out the door).

SOON AFTER:

Roman: (gives Niko milk container) You happy now?

Niko: (happily) I'm VERY happy now?

Niko and Roman both sit at the table.

Roman: Anyway.. what about you? What about you, cousin?

Niko: What? What about me?

Roman: Well... why you leave home after all this time? First, I hear you're running around with the wrong kind, then I hear you joined the merchant navy, now you're here. You never tell me anything.

Niko: No.

Roman: What do you mean no?

Niko: No, I never tell you anything. Another time.

Roman: Oooh, mystery man... strange and exotic sailor! What happened? Did your captain make you pregnant?

Niko: Screw you! No, no, it's nothing like that. The ships were fine. It was before that, two things. You remember... (sudden anger) WHAT IS UP WITH THIS FUCKIN CHAIR!?

Roman: It's fine. Just keep going.

Niko: Fine., During the war. We did some bad things and bad things happened to us. War is where the young and stupid are tricked by the old and bitter into killing each other. I was very young, and very angry. Maybe that is no excuse... Roman?

Niko: (violently pounds table) ROMAN!.. Are you sleeping you FAT FUCK!?

Roman: I'm sorry I-

Niko: FUCK YOU ROMAN!... Fuck!... Fuck someone!... Fuck a tit!... Fuck a tit hard!... For the love of Alan greenspan... FUCK!

Roman: ... Feel better?

Niko: ... (sighs) not really.

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Billy: Line 'em up, my brother... Let me have some of that heroine, motherfucker!

Brian: Yeah! Heroine is tigh-

Billy: (annoyed) shut up Brian!

Billy: (smokes it).

Brian: Guess this means w-

Billy: [high on cocaine, shouting, speaking quickly] You know what I can't stand!? Internet piracy! How would you like it if musicians stole from YOU!?... (pointing at Clay) What if Cannibal Corpse stole your precious glasses?

Clay: ... [uncomfortable] I think I'll mostly just be confused..

Billy: (after calming down) So, Johnny boy... Where's my bike?

Johnny: You know where it is.

Billy: Uhhh... Let me rephrase the question - where the "fuck" is my bike, and why the fuck haven't you gotten it back for me?

Johnny: Because you know where it is!

Billy: Are you deaf? Give me that whisky. Are you fucking deaf!?

Johnny: No!

Billy: Then answer the God damn question. Why the fuck haven't you gotten it back for me, friend-brother?

Johnny: One word: business. Like I told you when you were in there, or were you so busy playing holier-than-thou you started believing your own bullshit?

Billy Oh forgive me. You know, I've had a complicated few weeks. It's hard to to pretend to care about people. Espically woman.. Now... GET MY FUCKIN BIKE!

Johnny: What am I!? YOUR FUCKIN DOG!?

Brian: Everyone calm dow-

Everyone: Shut up Brian!

Johnny: Listen, Billy, they were pissed and they had a reason. Your bike chopped that girl's leg off.

Jim: Better than the one Brian got shot.

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(Flashback):

Johnny: Okay Gionna.. Afraid I can't go with you to the drug trade.. But Brian can go.

Brian: I'll take good care of h-

Johnny: (angrily) SHUT UP BRIAN!

Johnny: (calmly back to Gionna) Anyway.. Brian is a good guy. i promise he won't rob you and leave you for dead.

SOON AFTER:

Brian robbed her and left her for dead.

Johnny: My God, Why the hell didn't I see it coming? All right, stand aside. It's about time I did my brotherly duty! (chuckles) I said "duty," but no time to laugh about it now!

Johnny finds Brian at a bar.

Johnny: (angrily) HEY BRIAN!

Brian: (happy to see him) Hey Joh-

Johnny (leaps onto brian violently) And this is for laughing at all your own jokes during bike rides! (punches Brian in the face repeatedly) Who do you think you are? Ashley Butler!? (punches Brian in the face repeatedly) You think because SHE dose it, it's okay for you? (punches Brian in the face repeatedly) YOU HAVEN'T EARNED WHAT SHE'S EARNED BUDDY! (drops Brian who crawls away).

Johnny: All right, now where's the guy who betrayed Gionna?

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Roman: Come on, Dardan, what's your problem?

Dardan: I don't have problem. You do!

[Dardan points a knife at Roman while Bledar smashes his computer monitor.].

Roman: Hey I just got that fixe- (get's locked in chock hold) Mommy!

Dardan [choking Roman] Where's your Russian friend now, eh?

Roman: (choking) He's not my friend... he's my loan shark...

Niko (enters and enraged by the scene) HEY!

Dardan: Fuck you! (tries to stab Niko, who dodge it)

Niko: (breaks his arm).

Dardan Oh my arm. Oh!

Niko: (mockingly) Ohh, was that your arm?

Dardan: Fuck you!

(Bledar hops over the desk to help Dardan).

(The Albanians retreat and run out of the depot).

Niko: And if you come back! I'll kill you! You understand!

Roman: (waving Dardan's dropped knife) You forgot this, you Albanian pricks!

Roman: ... Shit, Niko - what did you do?

Niko HE WAS GONNA STAB ME!

Roman: Now he's going to kill you!

Niko: Relax, they learned there lesson.

Roman: But what if they beat me up later!?

Niko: Don't be silly. That isn't gonna happen..

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Jim: Pretty Boy.

PB Hey.

Jim: Where's the bike?

PB Oh, it's good to see you too, tough guys.

Uhh... what bike are you talking about exactly?

Johnny: You "know" what we're talking about.

PB: Billy's bike? Jesus, man, it's been a long time. I thought he was dead. What's he want it for? To sell it for crack, right, eh?

Billy [walks in] Maybe later.

PB: (scared) Hey, good to see you, Bill! Man, I thought you was dead...

Billy: Where's the bike?

PB: I don't know.

Billy: (disturbingly calm) Jim, start the bike.

(Jim starts the Bike and Johnny slowly holds him down to the real, much to his fear and agony).

PB: Whoa, hold on... Wait please, please... no, nooo...

Billy: (losing patience) Where - is - my bike?

Johnny: Speak, you ugly fuck!

PB Ah, okay listen... ah, the Angels of Death took it to their place in Northwood. Billy Motherfucking Angels of Death. PB That's all I know... please!.

Billy: WHAT!?

PB: I- It's true.

Johnny: (throws Pretty boy down) Thank you.

Billy: Yes.. (smashes hammer onto PB's jaw) THANK YOU!

Jim: Whoo, calm down Bi-

Billy: Shut up!.. Things just keep getting worse and worse for.. I done all this stupid shit from inside jail!.. Even had to take stupid fuckin lessons in becoming less angry. (enraged) But now those angels have my motherfuckin bike! GOD (smashes hole in wall) DAMN IT!

Jim: (sarcastically) But you 'obviously' became less angry.

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Bleeder: Our problem is your cousin!.

Niko: I told you too stop! Now it's too late!

Niko grabbed one of the two unnamed men, head butted him violently, and violently kneed him in the face.

He defeats both, later finding the last one and tosses him out a window, killing him.

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Billy: WHOO! I GOT MY BIKE BACK! THIS SO AWESOME! I AM HIGH ON COCAINE! PUNCH ME JOHNNY BOY!

Johnnny: (punches him because Billy asked him too).

Billy: WHY'D YOU FUCKIN HIT ME!?

Johnny: You asked me t-

Billy: Stop making excuses Jew boy!

Johnny: Bu-

Angel leader: (comes into view) Hey! Lost and Damned!

Billy: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Why the long faces? No wait, that's your "normal" faces.

Brian: (laughs)

Billy: Shut up Brian.

Brian: Y- Yes sir.

Billy: Anyway.. Might I tempt you in a swift libation, my most trusted and honored guests?

Angel leader: I thought we had a truce going on?

Billy: Did you? Funny thing.. I wasn't aware.

Johnny: I told you five minutes ag-

Billy: I wasn't aware!

Angel leader: (growls).

Billy: But, let me tell you, it's a strange kind of truce that makes you think it's okay to gatecrash my party, Deadbeat motherfucker.

Angel leader: I'm sorry. You enjoy your little party. I take it, the good times are over. No problem, old man. [flips him off while walking away].. Have a nice day.

Billy (shoots him dead) DON'T FUCKIN TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Johnny: Aah, you moron!

END OF EPISODE ONE: