By Ted Berg
Christian Bale’s beauty cannot be put into words, but I will try.
That which does not kill Christian Bale only makes him hotter.
Before I expound, let me state for the record that I am a fiercely heterosexual man. I have engaged one woman to marry me and spend every morning on the subway attempting to engage several others in mutual eye contact. And it’s not because I am in any way nefarious. I am loyal; I just want women to acknowledge me in some small way because I find them mesmerizing. Achingly beautiful.
Just not quite as beautiful as Christian Bale.
Look at that man. If ever in art or in nature there has been conceived so perfect an example of the human form, I’m not familiar with it. Christian Bale makes Adonis look like Steve Buscemi. Just spend a moment appreciating that full head of hair, those knowing eyes and those perfect lips. That’s not the type of flawlessness we could dismiss with an adjective as simple as “handsome.”
Christian Bale’s beauty is something more abstract, existing beyond the normal human capacity for attraction. He’s more than just a symmetrical face on top of a chiseled physique. He is splendor in its most pure form. His exquisiteness borders on spectacle. It’s amazing that God even continued making people after finishing Christian Bale.
Recently, this masterpiece of a man came into some controversy with a temper tantrum on the set of Terminator 4. First of all, I’d like to point out that this all happened because the tirade only exists in audio form, divorced from video. I’m sure if anyone could see Christian Bale cursing like a sailor there wouldn’t be so much backlash. After all, when Christian Bale flies off the handle, rainbows sprout from his eyes and his spittle forms into pools of rose champagne. Also, he’s really f**king hot.
Think about American Psycho. In that movie, Christian Bale, as Patrick Bateman, did all sorts of horrifying things, both real and imagined. But did any of those atrocious acts make him less beautiful? Far from it. If anything, I’d say the fact that he was running naked overshadowed the fact that he was running naked with a chainsaw, and the whole was hotter than the sum of its parts.
And this guy, this director of photography, insulted Christian Bale’s sense of professionalism. How dare he step into Christian Bale’s eyeline? I mean, doesn’t he know the type of dedication Christian Bale brings to his work? Didn’t he know about all the weight he lost for The Machinist? Or how he actually spent six months in an apprenticeship as a singing, dancing newsboy for Newsies? Or how he endured seven full years living in the caves of the Scottish Highlands attempting to commune with dragons in advance of Reign of Fire?
(Incidentally, Matthew McConaughey also chased dragons to prepare for Reign of Fire, but in his case that just meant a whole ton of opium.)
Bale just wanted to remind everyone on set that he’s a consummate pro and that expects as much from everyone around him. There’s simply no more reasonable way to do that than with a four-minute-long, profanity-laced tirade.
Besides, take a closer look at Bale’s so-called tantrum: After only three minutes of language fit to make Chuck Bukowski blush, Bale says, “you’re a nice guy.” Not even just once — twice! He later says, “We’re done professionally,” as if to imply that socially, they’re still cool. In fact, Christian Bale might even take that guy out for a beer after the shoot. A really, really sexy beer.
The whole mess smacks of jealousy. You think there aren’t outbursts like this one on movie sets all the time? It’s the worst-kept secret in Hollywood that Tom Hanks killed 14 people on the set of The Terminal. The difference is that no one snitched on Tom Hanks because Tom Hanks can’t stop traffic with his jawline.
If you’ve read this far, you may have detected a hint of sarcasm. Well, guess again, Sherlock. I’m for real. I’d give it up to Christian Bale.
Not because I’d enjoy it. Like I said, I like girls. A lot. But if a man who could have his pick of any mate in the universe, the single most perfect-looking human being the good lord has ever conceived, chose me – little old me – then who am I to turn him down? I’d be too flattered. Plus, think of the bragging rights.
So he’s crazy. So what? All this recent outburst means is that the line separating Bale from Bateman and Batman might be thinner than we previously thought. But on both sides of that line, he’s outrageously, inhumanly attractive.
