Garcia: You've reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI's office of Supreme Genius.
Morgan: Hey it's Morgan. I need you to work some magic here. I've got a program called Deadbolt Defence and a girl with only a couple hours to live so what do you know?
Garcia: You've got a problem. Deadbolt's the number one password crack-resistant software out there. You're gonna have to get inside this guy's head to get the password.
Morgan: I thought I was calling the office of Supreme Genius.
Garcia: Well gorgeous, you've been re-routed to the office of Too Frickin' Bad.
Garcia: Okay, you know how on Star Trek when Captain Kirk asked McCoy to do something totally impossible, and McCoy says, 'Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a miracle worker?'
Morgan: Hey, what are you telling me? Not to expect a miracle?
Garcia: No, I'm saying I'm not a doctor.
Morgan: That's my girl.
Morgan: My bomb fragments, let’s start putting this bad boy together.
Garcia: Why bother, don’t you just dust for prints and...stuff?
Morgan: Garcia, what are you doing in the FBI?
Garcia: I didn’t get into medical school.
Reid: Nobody takes therapy these days without a healthy dose of medication.
Garcia: What are you implying, Reid?
Reid: That everyone is medicated.
Garcia: Did you just make a joke?
Reid: No, I mean, statistics, they-they show it-
Garcia: Reid, next time just say yes.
[Garcia enters the room with a cardboard box.]
Derek: Please tell me you brought some breakfast.
Garcia: Trust me, sugar. You're not going to want to eat when you see what's in here.
Elle: Here's something...[puts her coffee cup on Garcia's desk]...What can you tell me about Vincent Sartori?
[Garcia chucks coffee cup in the bin]
Elle: I was still drinking that.
Garcia: Not only is this equipment expensive, it's also extremely sensitive.
[Spencer and Elle share a weird look]
Hotchner: How is it having Gideon around?
Garcia: You can have him back whenever you would like.
Elle: Brother, as in that’s Hotch’s brother?
Garcia: Maybe Hotch is adopted?
Hotchner: You’re a genius.
Garcia: You’re just saying that ‘cause it’s true.
Garcia: [answering phone] Oracle of Quantico. Speak if you deign to hear truth.
[Garcia rattles off some bad Spanish]
Morgan: Easy there, Garcia. I think you just offended somebody’s mother.
Garcia: Shut up you. I took French. What can I say?
Morgan: Penelope, your last name is Garcia.
Garcia: Yeah, I know. It’s my stepfather’s name. Do you want my genius or not?
Garcia: Hey, you know what this means? We can find out if Princess Diana's death really was accidental!
JJ: I think this is exactly what got you on the list.
JJ: [about the incredible Sir Kneighf] Please don’t tell me you have a crush on a fictional character.
Garcia: He’s not fictional. He’s the online alter-ego of a real person.
JJ: Hmmm, you don’t even know anything about him, even if it is…him.
Garcia: Look, we meet online at specified times that he is never late to. We spend hours adventuring and chatting during which time I have his undivided attention and he lavishes me with flattery. When was the last time you had a date go that well?
JJ: See if he’s got a fictional brother.
Reid: It's never night in Las Vegas.
Garcia: Excuse me?
Reid: [discussing a Chaucer poem] My mom used to read me that. It's widely considered as the first Valentine's poem.
Garcia: Your mom read you Valentine's poems? Hello, therapy.
Garcia: Uhm, pals, don't be ticked, but I think I might have missed the glaringly obvious; how would you make yourself taller without being a different person entirely or having some weird Chinese surgery?
Garcia: [after Hotchner asked her to review surveillance footage] Honey, if he opens his mouth I'll tell you the length of his teeth.
Hotchner: Just keep it clean. And don't call me "honey."
Garcia: He who seeks the "Queen of All Knowledge," speak and be recognized.
Reid: Garcia, we're sending you some cigarettes.
Garcia: Why not a flesh-eating virus? It'll be faster and far less painful.
Reid: We need some butts rushed to the lab for DNA analysis.
Garcia: Reid... I love it when you say 'butts.'
Garcia: Je suis toujours ici pour toi, mon cher.
Morgan: Drives me crazy when you talk that "voulez coucher" stuff to me. [teasing] Stop it.
Morgan: Hey dollface, ready to work some magic for me?
Garcia: Challenge me, you beautiful behavioral analyst.
Garcia:...A guy went crazy on a bunch of computers at a science lab, screaming, "We will soon be the slaves and the machines will be the masters."
Garcia: [Looking around at her many computers] Yikes. That would totally suck for me. [Whisper] I'm surrounded in here.
Morgan: Come on, what are you worried about? You've got me to protect you.
Garcia: Hah! Now that gets my blood up.
JJ: Nothing's happening.
Reid: Shhh watch [the rocket launches, JJ and Garcia scream, and it hits Emily in the head]
Emily: Ooh ow, what was that?
Reid: Oh, I am so sorry Emily!
Garcia: Don't you recognize a rocket when you see one?
Reid: I was merely demonstrating a physics law. I didn't mean to..
Emily: Oh show me!
Reid: Turn around.
Emily: Turn around?
Reid: A magician never reaveals his secrets.
Emily: I thought you said this was physics?
Garcia: He wont show us either. Trust me, it will do you no good to argue with him.
(rocket launches and lands in front of Hotch)
Hotchner: Physics magic?
Reid: Yes, sir.
Hotchner: Reid, we talked about this.
Reid: I'm sorry, sir.
Hotchner: [smiling] You're really starting to get some distance on these things.
Garcia: What are you doing?
JJ: I'm mapping out where all the victims were found, starting with Gideon's first case file.
[JJ jabs a pushpin to the map]
Garcia: Ow! Stabby!
Hotchner: Think of this house as a witness. If it could talk, what would it tell us?
Garcia: My guess is, it would tell us to get the hell out.
Garcia: Are you lonely in the Lone Star state? And are you wearing chaps?
Morgan: Only in your dreams, Garcia
Garcia: Oh, not necessarily. I have photoshop.
Garcia: What was the thing that Jack the Ripper took from one of his victims, besides, well, you know, her life?
Emily: Oh, uh...
Garcia: Mmm. Tick, tock, tick, tock.
Emily: ......... I don't know.
Garcia: A kidney. How horrifingly fantastic is that?
Emily: Mmhmm, and are you going anywhere with this?
Garcia: Just that I found an unsolved murder that happened four months ago in Galveston, Texas, with the same MO - the victim missing that very organ. I amaze myself.
Emily: Yeah, me too. Great work.
JJ: You're the best ever.
Garcia: Awww... And you're the most perceptive!
Garcia: Brace yourselves. I'm going to teach you the meaning of L.U.S.T.
Gideon: Did she say lust?
Garcia: I cross-referenced every known fact on the victims and I just found a website that links both Dennis Cutler and Mathew Jarvis' companies on a list of businesses guilty of L.U.S.T.
Hotchner: I'm missing something.
Garcia: Leaking Underground Storage Tanks.
Garcia: [answering phone] Your friendly neighborhood Oracle of all things knowable and unknowable at your service.
Garcia: [regarding Lysowsky] He served 23 years in four remote prisons at Perm, that is a remote region of the Northern Ural Mountains, for those of you playing the home game.
Prentiss: [in a bar, acting very excited] Ladies, this is Brad – a real FBI agent!
JJ: Really? No way!
Garcia: That's exciting! What's it like at Quan-ti-co?
JJ: Must be tough keeping all those secrets.
Brad: It’s a skill, like anything else. Carpenters are good at building stuff, measuring. The FBI’s good at keeping secrets and kicking criminal ass.
Prentiss: Can we see it?
Brad: See what?
Prentiss: Your badge.
Brad: I'm sorry, that's classified.
Prentiss: [she holds up her badge] Tell me Brad, does it look anything like this?
JJ: [hold up hers] Or this?
Garcia: [holds up hers] Or maybe, this?
[Brad hurries away]
Garcia: [answering phone] Talk dirty to me.
Section Chief Erin Strauss: This is Section Chief Erin Strauss.
Garcia: [horrified and red-faced] Ma'am, I think it goes without saying that I was expecting it to be someone else.
Garcia: [answering phone later] FBI Technical Analyst Penelope Garcia speaking.
Emily: Hey, whats going on with you and Morgan?
Garcia: I told him about this guy I met at the coffee shop...
Emily: Oh, say no more.
[Emily hangs up the phone and walks over to Morgan who has been eavesdropping behind her]
Emily: When a woman tells a man about her feelings, she doesn't want him to fix her, she wants him to shutup and listen.
Morgan: I'm not going anywhere.
Morgan: No, that couch right there is going to be my best friend until we catch this guy.
Garcia: Fine, just as long as you're not trying to take advantage of me or anything.
Morgan: Hey, Silly Girl.
Morgan: I love you, you know that?
Garcia: I love you, too.
Garcia: Honey, I know you love me, but the prospect of you whirling around here trying to fix this is actually more frightening than getting shot.
Garcia: Do you know who Frank Miller is?
Morgan: Frank Miller... Sounds familiar. Un-sub?
Garcia: [laughs] No, graphic novelist. 300? Sin City?
Morgan: Oh, right, right, right. Cool movies.
Garcia: He said something once and it makes me think of you. "The noir hero is a knight in blood caked armor. He's dirty and he does his best to deny the fact that he's a hero the whole time."
Garcia: There is really no acceptable excuse for violence, but for you I am making an exception. [opens the front door] Oh my God, Agent Rossi!
JJ: (looking at her files) (sarcastically) I'm not busy at all.
Garcia: So you don't want to hear about Agent Rossi showing up at my apartment after I had a post-coital shower with fellow FBI technical analyst Kevin Lynch?
JJ: (head snaps up) Sit.
Prentiss: Is there any possibility that, while we've been talking, you've been multitasking?
Garcia: What? Find Redding's address?
Prentiss: I love you, Penelope Garcia.
Garcia: Get in line!
Garcia: (drinking coffee) The kid's tech savvy, sir. But fret not. I am tech savvier. Is that a word? That sounds like a word. If it is a word, I'm it.
Prentiss: D.C. time, Garcia.
Garcia: 11:17 a.m.
Prentiss: D.C. Decaf.
[about a photo]
Reid: It's remarkable. Something like this makes you question everything you thought you knew.
Garcia: Yeah. Like the monolith in 2001.
Reid: So there was actually a time when something like this was socially acceptable?
Garcia: Oh, you're young. The eighties left a lot of people confused. This is especially sad, though.
[The photo is revealed to be of Prentiss in high school, dressed in punk clothing]
Garcia: If you look to your cursor, you'll notice that it's moving on its own. That's me hacking your secure network. Now I've got her file, now I've got her social, and because you're grumpy, I'm going to send your boss those Jamaican vacation photos. Oh, look at you. No tan lines.