"there's not a damn thing that i do on my own thats not for my fans or for people that have supported me. So i don't really care about my agenda, I wanna be on yours."
"please don't kill me, im nice."
"i feel like an asshole because i don't have a picture of you."
"so i have an EP out called "Human" and its very short and its very small and its very sweet. Like me."
"i don't care if you're gay, straight, purple, orange, dinosaur..."
"this nifty little buckaroo"
"mosey along with our wacky adventure"
"time to call another human being... well lets hope its a human being... id be really amused if it was a cat, but then the conversation probably wouldn't be as stimulating"
"hey grace you put your number on the internet and now weirdos are calling you... lesson learned!"
"I'm darren, i like beaches, sushi, and small animals who are nice"
"i like evil characters too because they're not real evil, theyre fake evil which is the best kind of evil so thats cool"
"applesauce... i love that cuz applesauce is delicious"
"this thing has way more fun things"
"that song was really good i didn't expect it to be as cool as it was"
"geez! That's really morose!"
"no birthday to you man"
"what is on my walls... which is a really great name cuz i don't know what the heck is on my walls most of the time, except for the cupcakes i throw at em"
"YOU DON'T SOUND INTERNATIONAL!!"
"You have a few things to say to me? well thats very convenient cuz were on the phone"
"although i don't endorse any kind of fighting.. make it a very civilized battle, like battleship! maybe you guys could have a battleship war, not with real battleships, but with like the game, by mattell!"
"molly, i don't know what you're on now, but thats the most absurd thing ive ever heard in my life"
"don't you worry your beautiful little heads"
"im just as goofy and crazy as i was before if not more insane."
"and if i ever do stray away feel free to find me and kick me in the shins."
"go get some fish and chips, tell somebody cheerio, and if you find a guy who looks like a chimmney sweeper, say ello govner!"
"thats a blessing"
"i could hug the camera... can i hug the camera? cool im gunna hug all of you"
"hopefully you can feel the warmth of my body"
"i'll see ya via the tv... what?"
"i'd like to think they were all romantic! i"m not just some floozy! please!"
"should the man always make the first move? I assume you mean in chess right? cuz that only works if you're on the black side."
"i wish i lived in the future where we have teleporters.. and 1000 years in the future after the robots take us over, we can teleport pizza into livestream, note to self in 1000 years... teleport pizza"
"Darren doesn't know"
"my inarticulacy is comming about because it seems so obvious that you would support each other in this small world and life we lead"
"what makes you different is what makes you strong"
"lest we forget! *plays polka music* YEAH!"
"you guys don't know this, but there is 1000 people behind you right now... behind the camera... that are all like, pointing spears at me making sure i do everything correctly... im actually chained to this chair right now.. i can't leave and if i don't do this correctly they wont feed me!"
"*plays polka music and choked laugh* i love that song!! thats so funny!"
"clearly this wasn't very planned... but neither is half the things i do..."
"lets summon the interwebs"
"did i already mention this is the biggest show i've ever played? cuz this is the biggest show i've ever played. so huzzah on both accounts!"
"where'd that capo go? oh its over here... nice... hahaha"
"that didnt help me at all that just confused me more"
"you guys are my teenage dream"
"I don't know what that means... so you're saying you can vote? cool... maybe we can vote together sometime."
"There is nothing more badass than being yourself"
"did someone say Darren Criss?"
"i create music"
"Blaine has recently been bitten by a radio-active turtle"
"Then i'll get 'em right where i want 'em! SUPRISE!"
"I'm using soap, now im using the shampooooooooo"
"Like i really carry my guitar wherever i go..."
"well, with that attitude of course, lets do it!"
"If he's gonna go, he's gotta be hit by like... a dragon."
"i don't wanna see ANY of you hanging out with that dryer.. that is a bad, BAD dryer."
"All my aunts in the Phillipines, they look at me and say 'Darreeeeeen! You so thin! Eat!'"
"I hope their food is as delicious as they are cool."
"No, that'd be very strange... I'd have to kick my own ass"
"Then on Mars they start a glee club. The first intergalactic glee club!"
"I'm like a bum, A BUM! oh my god, you guys are interviewing A BUM!"
"My album, is the kind of music you can be friends with."
"Well, everyone's a little crazy!"
"WHAT THE HELL RIGHT?!?"
"Ideally, i'd love to have my cake and eat it too... Ideally id love to have that piece of cake right now..."
"My biggest fear? My biggest fear would be turning into an inanimate object."
"Yeah, there has been alot of changes in my life since I started glee...I bought a new sweater..."
"What can you expect from me in the next five years? Well... I'll get older"
"I have a very regimented schedual of sleeping... alot..."
"No one has tried to ... stab me... Thats cool... I plan on not being stabbed."
"Thats a cool thing, not being stabbed."
"In glee, there's alot of amazing things... and they have nothing to do with me... so they can give me anything and id be like 'yayyyy i get a song!'"
"They are just peachy! I think theyre fabulous!"
"I just wanna hold him in my arms and be like its cool baby baby baby."
"If i meet dan tonight i think my head is going to explode... so i should probably try to avoid him cuz i like the fact that my head is not exploding."
"bleeding from the ears"
"i've made a fool of myself alot... you know... like spilled things and dropped things around cool people."
"LIFE IS GOOD!"
"This is a terrible, terrible mistake"
"someone really screwed up and let my nutty ass in here."
"yup, just the clothes, the shades, and my silly, silly body underneath it."
"I was just trying to not screw it up"
"Yeah, we're weird on like... nine levels..."
"i never thought in A MILLION YEARS..."
"I'm on cloud nine.. i wouldn't even say cloud nine... more like cloud ten... cloud nine was old news."
"yeah its like a wakeup call, you get up and are rubbing your eyes like 'what?!'"
"no! NO MAN!"
"huh... i don't know... i have no idea"
"This episode we finally did someting everyone was waiting for... A SONG BY HEY MONDAY!"
"you can't see more than a foot in front of you"
"i was throwing pinecones.. pinecones... wake up ya know?"
"this is the most crazy romantic thing ive ever done in my life this is going to be amazing we're gunna run off and love each other forever and ever until we DIE!"
"to the door."
"and WE HUGGED! and in the 8th grade a hug is like... all kinds of love explosions."
"No man! Im the weird one! I play a fake Harry Potter in a musical we took time to make, we have a musical called Me and My Dick!"
"Its a musical virgin... VERSION!"
"I just know my soup."
"THIS IS WAR!"
"Just to make it special"
"well thats what you missed... ON GLEE!!!"
"Buying my album is the only way that you can prevent death because aliens are going to come to this earth and destroy us. I am sure of this."
"I do have a reoccuring dream...I was at this place where the band sounds exactly like my alarm clock.. its all AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! and i'm like MAN THIS BAND ROCKS!!! and then i wake up an hour later and realize im late for glee...."
"Blaine is running off to argentina to start a zoo."
"Blaine then is hanging out with rambo and moves to mars."
"its the secret to my power."
"no, i'd never shave my eyebrows.... cuz then i'd look like an alien... which would be terrifying..."
"I would say yes, joey has a girlfriend... and she's a nine foot tarantula with 100 legs and her eyes are made of lasers... and if anyone was to try to kill her they would perish."
"I had to kill alot of people..."
"I would want a glee light saber just to cut my meat."
"I'm pretty sure she specially designed that herself.. just for me.."
"I'm positive thats what happened... I'm sure of this... its true... its the most logical explanation."
"take a blow torch and spray it on the walls."
"He's just saying that cuz my feet are up on the desk"
"My big... sorta... hobbit hair.. you couldve found certain species that could cure cancer in there."
"Im a short little hobbit... hobbit-ish."
"basically i'm just being a goofball"
"I like orange and blue together... but i would never wear em... and i think green is great for the planet."
"I've always been the annoying kid who sang."
"i'm just some dude.. im some guy eating food on the street."
"people are always like... is it creepy that im messaging you? and i'm like no man!... im the weird one..."
"Thats weird man..."
"I'm just such a quirky weirdo."
"did someone say a song?"
"Whats this? a guitar?"
"my gay friends are all like 'no no... he cant be bi or straight...'"
"first of all, democracy, IS COOL!"
"I'm not into labels man."
"I'd be the worst president in the united states... unless you want the apocalypse to happen really soon... then i'll run for president."
"I kinda walk in when i feel like it... peaceout... get a sandwich.. nap..."
"I think i have a degree in acting.."
"Oh snow! how delightful! What a good time to study by a fire...side."
"wars would stop if we just had every world conflict sit down and have popcorn and have a sleepover and watch the entire thing of that show... we'd all get along and it would be beautiful."
"its all connected!
"check it out"
"oh yeah, oh yeah"
"i just blew your mind."
"your welcome, your welcome ive planned it for years."
"i'd choose the world to be in pink... it would be really funny... then mean people wouldn't seem so mean..."
"how very apropros."
"lest we forget"
"there is an implicit connoctation of those songs that just bleeds innocence"
"its all contextual"
"if thats any indication of how much i like alladdin... apple just freaked out of my mouth"
"don't stab darren"
"*choked up giggle* I love that song! it's so funny!"
"i don't know whats on my walls... except for the cupcakes i throw at them."
"thats why my nails are so colorful, because of coachella, and i have various other colorful things... which you may or may not see..."
"the cool thing about music is no one can take music away from you. You know, if you play the kazoo, no one's gonna be like, unless ou're hanging with really terrible people, like take your kazoo and be like 'you can't play that anymore'"
"be nice to people... cuz nobody likes an asshole."