Hercules: You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place.
Hades: Hmm. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death.
Hercules: Going once...
Hades: Is there a downside to this?
Hercules: Going twice...
Hades: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You get her out. She goes, you stay.
[Hercules dives in to save Megara]
Hades: Oh, there's just one thing. You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it?
Hades: How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat.
Panic: "Hercules." Why does that name ring a bell?
Pain: I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?
Panic: Wait, wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to...?
Pain, Panic: Oh, my Gods!
[they run, Hades seizes them]
Hades: So you took care of him, huh? "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your *exact* words?
Pain: This might be a different Hercules.
Panic: Yeah. I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays.
Pain: Remember, like, a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason, and the girls were all named Brittany?
Hades: We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do you say? Come on.
Hades: It's a small underworld, after all, huh?
Hades: Zeusy, I'm home.
Hercules: People are... are gonna get hurt, aren't they?
Hades: Nah. I mean, it's, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, you know, it's war, but what can I tell ya. Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?
Hades: So is this an audience or a mosaic?
Zeus: So, Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld?
Hades: Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy. And, as always, hey, full of dead people. What are you gonna do?
Pain: Coming, your most lugubriousness.
Panic: Oh, sorry. I can handle it.
[Runs down the stairs; trips and crashes into Pain; they tumble down the stairs; Pain is now stuck to Panic's horns]
Pain: Pain - Ow!
Panic: And Panic - eechk!
Pain, Panic: ...reporting for duty!
Hades: Fine, fine, fine. Just inform me the minute the Fates arrive.
Panic: Oh, they're here!
Hades: [shouting] What! The Fates were here and you didn't tell me?
Pain, Panic: Ohh... We are worms!
[as they grovel, they turn into worms]
Pain, Panic: Worthless worms!
Hades: Memo to me... Memo to me: Maim you after my meeting.
Zeus: Aw, Hades, don't be such a stiff. Join the celebration.
Hades: Love to, Babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I regretfully have a full-time job that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus. So, can't. Love to, but can't.
[after Pain and Panic, disguised as children, are rescued by Hercules]
Hades: Stirring performance, boys. I was really moved.
Panic: "Jeepers, Mister"?
Pain: I was going for innocence.
Hades: [after taking Hercules' powers away] You might feel just a little queasy. It's kinda natural. Maybe you should... sit down.
[Knocks Hercules down with dumbells]
Hades: Now you now how it feels to be like everyone else. Isn't it just peachy?
Hades: I'm sorry. You mind runnin' that by me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something...
Meg: Then read my lips - forget it!
Hades: Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little, tiny detail?
[Hades explodes into flames]
Hades: [shouts] I own you!
Hades: He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay?
Hades: I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him, and it doesn't even...
[Hades notices Pain is wearing Air-Hercs]
Hades: What... are... those?
Pain: Um, I don't know. I-I thought they looked kinda dashing.
Hades: I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke,
[begins to shout]
Hades: and you are wearing his merchandise?
[Hades almost blows up in front of Pain, but stops to see Panic slurping a Hercules drink]
Panic: [chuckling nervously] Thirsty?
[Hades shouts out loud, blows up and the whole city rumbles]
Hades: Uh, guys? Olympus would be that way.
Hades: Name's Hades, Lord of the dead. Hi, how ya doin'?
Hades: We were so close! So close, we tripped at the finish line! Why? Because our little *nut*-Meg has to go all noble.
Hades: Ah. There's the little sunspot. Little snootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker. Eh? Here you go. You just...
[Baby Hercules squeezes Hades' finger too tightly]
Hades: Sheesh. Uh, powerful little tyke.
Zeus: You ought to slow down. You'll work yourself to death. Hah. Work yourself to death.
Zeus: Oh, I kill myself.
Hades: [to himself] If only. If only.
Hades: Ladies. Hah. I am so sorry that I'm...
The Fates, The Fates, The Fates: Late.
The Fates: We knew you would be.
The Fates: We know everything.
The Fates: Past.
The Fates: Present.
The Fates: And future.
The Fates: [aside, to Pain] Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.
Meg: I've done my part. Get your little imps...
Hades: They couldn't handle him as a baby. I need somebody who can... handle him as a man.
Meg: Hey, I've sworn off manhandling.
Hades: Well, you know, that's good because that's what got you into this jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Meg? Huh?
Meg: Look, I learned my lesson, okay?
Hades: Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer. You give me the key to bringing down Wonder Breath, and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos: your freedom.
[Pegasus blows the flames off Hades' head]
Hades: Whoa. Is my hair out?
Hades: [anger rising] I'm about to rearrange the cosmos, and the one *schlemiel* who can louse it up is waltzing around in the woods.
Hades: What d'ya say? It's happy ending time. Everybody's got a little taste of somethin' but me. I got nothin'. I'm - I'm here with nothin'. Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm - What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me. Nobody listens.
The Fates: In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely.
Hades: Ay, verse. Oy.
The Fates: The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.
Hades: Mmm-hmm. Good, good.
The Fates: Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all!
Hades: Yes! Hades *rules*!
The Fates: A word of caution to this tale...
Hades: Excuse me?
The Fates: Should Hercules fight, you will fail.
[they laugh and disappear]
Hades: [shouting at the top of his lungs] What?
Hades: Okay, fine, fine. I'm cool. I'm fine.
Hades: Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little *nut*-Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the uprising and here I am sort of... river-guardian-less.
Meg: Look, I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse.
Hades: [Hercules and the Hydra are fighting, and the Hydra is winning, while Hades watches] My favorite part of the game: sudden death.
Hades: Brothers. Titans. Look at you in your squalid prison. Who put you down there?
Hades: And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are going to do?
Titans: Destroy him.
Hades: Good answer.
Hades: Guys, get your titanic rears in gear and kick some Olympian butt.
Hades: Well, gotta blaze. I have a whole cosmos up there waiting for me... with, hey, my name on it.
Hades: Pain. Panic. Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god?
Pain: [sounds assertive at first] I do not... know.
Panic: You can't... they're immortal?
Hades: Bingo, they're immortal. So the first thing we gotta do is make the little sunspot... mortal.
Hades: If I say I want Wonder Boy's head on a platter, you say...?
Meg: [without much enthusiasm] Medium or well done?
Hades: Let's get ready to RUMBLLLLLLE!
Hades: Hercules, stop! You can't do this to me, you can't...
[Hercules punches Hades in the face]
Hades: Fine, okay, well I deserved that.
Hades: Meg, listen. Do you hear that sound? It's the sound of your freedom, fluttering away, *forever*!
Meg: I don't care, I'm not going to help you hurt him!
Hades: [sighs] I can't believe you're getting all worked up over some "guy."
Meg: This one is different. He's strong, he's caring, he would never do anything to hurt me...
Hades: He's a guy!
Meg: [smugly] Besides, O Oneness, you *can't* beat him. He has no weaknesses! He...
[she turns and sees Hades smiling slyly at her]
Hades: I think he does, Meg.
[envelops her in his arm]
Hades: I truly think he does.