Family Guy Script
Episode: ###
Stewie Quagmire
Summary: When Stewie gets a cold, Lois is forced to take him to the doctor, where his birth certificate shows up, revealing that he’s Quagmire’s son.

Key: ( ) = location
{ } = info
[ ] = Action
/ = commercial break
(Griffin house)
(Living Room)

[Family sitting on couch watching TV]

Dianne Simpsons: In local news the, a cold academic has swept through Quahog.
Tom Tucker: Well, Dianne I’m not sure if it’s an academic. It’s just a cold.
Dianne: Do you really have to contradict everything I say?
Tom: I’m just saying, it happens once a year, it’s...

Peter: What the hell is he talking about?
Englishman: Oh, it’s Cricket. Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball toward the batter who tries to play away a fine leg. He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn’t whipped his bails off, of course.
Peter: Anybody get that?
Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that “fag” means “cigarette.”
Peter: Well, someone tell this “cigarette” to shut up.
-Family Guy
Tonight there’s a new reality show on Fox: “Fast Animals, Slow Children.”
-Peter Griffin
When I stick this...