I'm done with my life.
(Do you really want to read this without me? Well, if you want to die that badly, the link is here.)
(Also, there is some profanity in this series, so if you can't take cussing, or disgusting sex in these god-awful fan fictions, please leave now.)
You have got to be kidding me. I'm not even joking, you have GOT to be FREAKING KIDDING ME. How do people come up with this, how do people even THINK that writing A F**KING SQUIDWARD X SPONGEBOB FAN FICTION WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA!?!?
And why is porn done wrong so many times? I mean, ALL you have to do is at least TRY to make it funny, make no grammar errors, and VOILA! But no, people keep s**ting out crap like this.
Today, I take on what I think is the grossest fan fiction I've ever seen.
NO PLEASE GOD! LET ME LIVE, PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO DIE, I AM BEGGING YOU, I'M ON MY KNEES, DON'T DO THIS TO MY FRAGILE SOUL!
*Sigh* Fine, for the sake of doing my job, warning people about bad fan fictions, I'll review this.
Now, I have to admit something. I had to take a break when reading this story, I almost retched, I am serious. Hell, I feel so sick right now....
Another thing, I never actually vomited when reading Faker, heck, I felt fine the whole way through, but do you want to know what I actually had to do?
I had to see the urgent care, I told them about this story and my stomach really hurt.
I'll say that again, A FAN FICTION PHYSICALLY HURT ME, I AM NOT JOKING AT ALL.
And you know what? This was going to be a special planned collaboration with one of my school friends, but I had to stay home.
And guess what it's rated? M for Mature.
Oh boy, I'm doing it again. I'm sorry guys, I'm stalling, but enough bulls**t, I am ripping apart the most disgusting fan fiction I've ever seen....
It's time to look at, Hot Nights at the Krusty Krab, by Cheeze18.
"Spongebob and Squidward were bored."
Only porn fan fictions can pull off making this sound as intimidating as possible X__O
"They were forced to work there, again, for 24 hours."
Well hey! This guy sort of knows his grammar, and he made a reference to the show!
Unfortunately, those are the only positive things I can say about this shitty short story....
"Spongebob was mopping the green wooden floors, while Squidward was reading a purple book, with a secret magazine hidden behind the book."
THE PURPLE BOOK IS A LIE!
Seriously though, we know the magazine is just porn, and he said it was behind the purple book, so....
Squidward is reading the boring book? NOT EVEN THE PORN ITSELF MAKES SENSE!
"Squidward was horny, with his squid penis hard."
What the hell are these people doing with their lives? They could be finding a beautiful boy/girlfriend, they could be hanging out with friends, they could be getting a job, hanging out with their dog, making YouTube videos, eating, etc.
But of ALL THINGS, his mind decides to go Rule 34 on him and s/he makes a porn fan fiction.
About fucking Spongebob.
"He was rubbing himself, but he was not staring at the pages."
1: Was not = Wasn't. IT'S SECOND GRADE DUDE!
2: Again, USE BETTER VOCABULARY! Really? Rubbing himself?
This is the only fan fiction I know when it doesn't even get the porn right.
Actually, scratch that, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T USE BETTER VOCABULARY! O_____O
"He was staring at Spongebob."
Oh boy. Oh FUCKING boy....
"For about two months now, he and Spongebob have been in a relationship."
Ruining my childhood right off the bat? Alright, that's already -5,000 points!
This start was even better than Faker! ^___^
"They've kissed, and dry humped, but not sex."
"Yet. Squidward wanted to, so bad."
1. Why does the word yet have a period after it?
2. Can you please STOP DESTROYING MY SOUL!? >.<
"He felt like he was pressuring Spongebob to do it, but he had no problem."
Yeah, this is every porn fan fiction in a nutshell.
STEP ONE: Somewhat boring dialogue with some childhood crushing material here and there.
STEP TWO: That one, "OH NO X___X" Moment.
STEP THREE: Sex. -___-
"Spongebob turned around, and showed his square butt."
What the f@%k is this person doing with their life? Does s/he really think they're going to turn anyone on with this S&#T!?
Ugh, I am so sick of this.
"Squidward felt a throb. He was about to cum."
And no comma because WHY NOT? :D
"Panting, he lifted himself up, and watched Spongebob."
It's near impossible to stay neutral while reading this, BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT, WHO, WHERE, WHEN, WHY DID THEY THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA!?!?
Time to bring out my napalm flamethrower. >:(
"He said, hey Spongebob? Spongebob turned, smiling."
DON'T TRUST THE EVIL SMILE! X___X
Yep, boring dialogue, quite literally, out the ass.
Yeah, this is why it takes so long to make these episodes, these fan fictions ARE SO BORING!
I mean, I know you pretty much HAVE to put in some everyday dialogue BUT CAN YOU AT LEAST TRY to be entertaining?
Time to charge the napalm flamethrower. >:(
"Um, I want to do something with you. Is that okay?"
FUCK NO!!! NOT EVEN CENSORING IT, FUCK NO!!!!!!!
"Squidward asked, Spongebob's face was all confused."
That's the reason these are so tiring to read. I read this story TWICE before reviewing this and NOT ONCE did I see any attempts at comedy to make this even remotely interesting to read.
It's like if you had to read those Harry Potter books.
IN THE FIRST GRADE.
"Like what? That.. sex thing. we have been talking about."
We have = We've. Once again, SECOND GRADE!!!!!
"Sex? Oh yeah."
OH YEAAAAH, SEX! HOW COULD I FORGET? :D YEAH, THAT THING! I REMEMBER NOW!
Yeah, like Faker, this story is bastardizing innocent characters from my childhood.
Also, strangely enough, bastardizing is a word. o__O
Not even kidding, Google's Auto-Correct just left it like that.
"Did you...want to...try it?"
Can you try... TALKING FASTER? WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO BORING! >.<
On second thought, for the love of god, STALL STALL STALL. O__O
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE SURE? ^____^
*Sigh* What the fuck is wrong with these people?
"I don't know..Spongebob looked down at the floor."
"Squidward walked over to the sponge and draped an arm over his shoulders. He smiled."
UHHH......WITH MENTOS FRESHEN UP YOUR LIFE? ^___^
Damn it, unlike Television, commercials can't stop me here.
CURSE YOU DINKLEBERG!!!!!
"Why don't we try it? He suggested, slipping a tentacle under south, under Spongebob's pants and grabbing his limp d**k"
ALL NEW SPICY MCGRIDDLE ONLY $3.99! ^___^ ONLY AT MCDONALDS!
Fuck, where are the advertisements when you need them?
Well if Fanpop won't add them for me, then I will!
And please watch these too. Not only did I find some really funny ones, but LORD KNOWS you probably need a break too.
Plus, it makes me unique from other reviewers. :D
So yeah, here you go!
AAAAND WE'RE BACK! ^___^
Better aim my napalm flamethrower. >:(
But remember guys, Mentos, the fresh-maker! :D
"He rubbed it to life."
What. The. FUCK!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?
"Squidward continued to rub at and grab at Spongebob's balls to get him hot."
This is more disturbing then Faker...
Achievement unlocked Cheeze18! CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS. >:(
(How do you like the new running gag? ^__^)
"It dd make him hot, and Spongebob saw Squidward's erection for the first time that night."
ABOUT TO PUSH THE FIRE BUTTON ON THE NAPALM FLAMETHROWER! >:(
"He kneeled down and took the light-blue co** n his mouth."
You know what's a huge shame guys? I just randomly find these. Yeah, I don't type in, "Worst Spongebob Fan Fictions Ever" in Google, I just read the first result on the page.
Again, society fucking sucks nowadays.
"Spongebob sucked and licked and rubbed while he worked at his own hard on."
Same problem Sonic and Tails and Knuckles Go Fishing had, FUCK COMMAS! ^___^
"Spongebob was more hot, though, as he felt his d*** felt up with his seed."
Now the author has a comma fetish. JUST FANTASTIC.
"He moaned and went faster. He then took it deep in his mouth and deep throated."
I am praying to god right now that the author wasn't aroused when making this. o___O
If he did, then he was successfully been even more of a demented satanic pervert then the author of The Pokemon Story.
Two achievements unlocked, YOU'RE ON A WINNING STREAK CHEEZE18! ^__^
"Spongebob conjured up more saliva and sucked faster."
We all know what's about to happen... *Gags*
TrueBlueTeam: Yeah, the white stuff! ^___^
(Replace Lazer with napalm flamethrower. :D)
(And according to Google Auto-Correct, Lazer, no matter how you spell it, isn't a word.)
"Squidward moaned and held the back of Spongebob's head. His own ejaculate rose back up into the main tube."
Starting to miss when Faker called it white stuff. o-O
"He was gonna cum."
And apparently, Google Auto-Correct thinks gonna is a word.
In the words of TheUncleChairman: Indeed, logic has escaped out the window.
"Squidward held on for his life."
Haha.....AHHAHAHAAHAH!!!! What is this, Mission Impossible, The Sex Edition?
That was the funniest part of this whole fan fiction. ^__^
Sadly though, it wasn't INTENDED to be a joke, just bad vocabulary.
AW COME ON! :(
"It was gonna be a big one!"
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
"Even bigger than when he and Spongebob dry humped and rubbed each other's d***s."
Even more bonus points for bastardizing a character as much as possible!
EXTREME FEVER!!!! ^__________^ (You never played Peggle, have you?)
"Squidward scrunched up his face and gritted his teeth."
This is the most awkward sex scene I've ever read in a fan fiction. I mean, this isn't just sex, this is like a freaking action movie!
Damn, it sounds like the fucking Matrix!
Matrix Script: Neo gritted his teeth as he shot Agent Smith, and with perfect accuracy, the bullet took him down. Agent Smith's scrunched up face haunted Neo forever after that day, as well as the dead bodies of the Sentinels.
WOW, what a coincidence...... o___O
Not even making a conspiracy joke, that was weird....
HOT NIGHTS AT THE KRUSTY KRAB! INCLUDES PORN, 24 HOUR NIGHT SHIFTS, BORING DIALOGUE, AND THE FUCKING MATRIX! ^___^
"His face was becoming beet red."
Again, the dialogue in this story is horrible, they just compared Squidward's face to a beet.
Wow, there's some real clutch vocabulary in here! :D
"Oh...oh..here it comes! he moaned."
Like a one year old without their milk bottle.
"Spongebob went slower, and still suckled."
I'll tell you one thing, the author Cheeze18 can suck on fucking glass.
"He moaned himself, apparently at his own limit. He went at a slow pace and then pulled the d*** out."
Can you please fucking ejaculate so I can go home and get some lunch? It's already 4:12, and my friends are waiting for me! Jeez, the Superbowl doesn't last forever, you know!
"He took it with one yellow hand..."
NO SHIT SHERLOCK, SPONGEBOB HAS YELLOW HANDS, WE ALL FUCKING KNOW THAT!
This is worse than, *Sonic the hedgehog was a hedgehog.*
"And rubbed, nice and slow. This made Squidward groan and made his body heat up another five or ten degrees."
Mr. Krabs: DON'T TOUCH ME THERMOSTAT! ^___^
Damn, why did you have to ruin Spongebob for me, Cheeze18?
Fucking Rule 34.
"He rolled his eyes back as a final stroke set him off. Hot squid spunk shot up into the air, and landed on the yellow recipient's face, on his tongue, in his holes, on his hands, and even that nose of his."
Fuck vocabulary. Just, fuck it.
Actually, knowing Rule 34 there probably already is a porn fan fiction on the word vocabulary getting fucked.
Again, society. What is wrong with you?
"Spongebob was set off, and he ejaculated all over Squidward's legs, and on the once clean floor."
Can you believe I have been trying to find bad fan fictions in general, but the only bad ones I could find were porn?
Think of it, only Cupcakes and Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles go fishing (At least not yet.) Have no porn in them, so what the hell?
I'm now taking suggestions for terrible fan fictions that aren't porn, HELP ME OUT HERE GUYS. O____O
Can't be that bad right?
Oh no... WHAT HAVE I DONE!?
"He gasped for breath, while panting Squidward's name, excitidly."
Wait... I typed that correct, right? *Checks* Yeah, I did!
So.... MORE BAD SPELLING NOT FOR THE WIN. >:(
Also, I don't know if I mentioned this yet or not, but often during these fan fiction reviews the fan fictions won't let me copy-paste, which not only makes reviewing this harder, (And painful...) But it make me have to check everything and it's the reason some of my episodes aren't done yet.
It's bad enough reading these stories, but it's even worse when I have to type them out on here.
If you find a bad fan fiction that isn't porn, make sure you can copy-paste, PLEASE.
Anyways, I think it's time for another refreshing pause! ^___^
And that means.... COMMERCIAL TIME! :D
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN COME UP WITH THIS!?