Monologue in 3 parts, written by blisslikethis and loosely based on the Politically Correct Bedtime Stories by James Finn Garner
Just another day in the Magic Kingdom.
: A room in Prince Charming’s castle.
(Cinderella is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the floor; she is wearing an apron and a kerchief, and a pale of soapy water sits next to her. She looks up from her work as the lights go up, wipes her forehead, wrings out a sponge and gets to her feet.)
Thinking back on it now, I realize I wasn’t as happy scrubbing floors as I had once thought. But just because I wasn’t exactly overjoyed at playing handmaid to my heinous stepsisters doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful. I mean, if it weren’t for the long grueling years of backbreaking, unpaid labour, I never would have met Prince Charming at the ball, all thanks to my fairy godmother... sorry, godperson. However, thanks to political correctness and its gender neutralizing speech codes, this is one fairy tale that no longer ends in “happily ever after”! (patriotic music begins playing in the background
Politically Incorrect Fairytale Characters of the World, Unite!
How I long for the days when a nerd was a nerd and not a “quiet introspective”. The days when the poor were poor and not “economically disadvantaged”, and womyn could be women regardless of how it is spelled! My name is Cinderella, and I am politically incorrect!
~ End Scene One ~
(Lights up on a perturbed Cinderella frowning over what appears to be a script and a letter.)
The revised script.
The revised script came in the mail yesterday. And this letter from my... what was it again? (skims letter
) Hmm, hmm, blah blah, oh yes, “fairy godmother shall henceforth be known as ‘individual deity proxy’”. Boy, I certainly never saw this coming. Who would have guessed that the little, old fairy was really a feminist all along? Not to mention, (consults letter
) “an avid supporter of human and non-human animal rights”. According to her agent, she has petitioned the “powers that be” – Disney, in other words – to (again consults letter
) “write a revised, politically correct, and non-offensive script, while still maintaining the original story line”. Reading this, I have to ask, what was wrong with the story to begin with? I mean is there anyone here who didn't like Cinderella? (glares out at audience
Cinderella doesn't like what she sees.
...That's what I thought. So why change it? Well, this morning I overheard the coachmen say that the “winged witch” refused to come to work until they rewrote the script. Can you believe she actually told the producers that they were breaching the equity legislation by not paying the mice fair wages? In my opinion, this whole political correctness thing has gotten way out of hand. I can understand how “retarded” evolved into “mentally handicapped”... (stops and considers
) then “mentally handicapped” into “person with a mental retardation”... (considers again
) then “person with an intellectual disability”... (looks confused, then shakes head and continues
). But when we start calling a masquerade ball a (flips through script
) ...“a celebration of the dispossessed and marginalized peasantry,” well, that's just going too far!
~ End Scene Two ~
: Throne Room.
(Lights up on Cinderella polishing a throne. There is a cell phone beside her, which rings and she polishes that too before answering it.)
Hello? …Oh, hi Cruella. How are you? …I'm fine thank you. Charming and I just got back from Paris… No, no, Charming is his first name… Yes, I suppose it is a bit odd… How was the wedding? …Right, yes, commitment ceremony sounds much more.. correct… Ok… Alright then… Bye now. (hangs up phone, sighs and plops down in throne
The trip to Paris was a great idea. Char decided we needed to have some time alone away from all the negativity on set; so as soon as he finished shooting Shrek 3, we packed our bags and left it all behind. This whole situation has been so exhausting… and confusing. At first, we were all happy going about our daily routines, perfectly content with our storybook lives. Then came the lawsuit, the mice's strike, changes to the script… it's all been a lot to take in.
Then, just as I was beginning to accept all these changes in my life, my fairy godmother shows up on my doorstep, just last month, saying she wants to repair the rift in our friendship. (frowns as she notices some unseen spot on the table in front of her
) Of course, I couldn't toss her into the moat like I wanted to, that just wouldn't have been very dignified. So, instead, I invited her in for tea. (gets up, spits on her cloth and rubs vigorously at the "spot" on the table. as she continues to speak, she moves around the set, dusting, arranging, etc.
Besides, I haven't had much company since my step-sisters left. After they read the new script, they needed to redefine their entire image of femininity and so naturally, they went on the Atkins diet and entered the Miss America pageant. Anyway, after complementing me on the homemade blueberry scones, my godmother told me that she was very excited about going to work on the new script. She informed me that politically correct fairy tales are a new wave in film-making and she's even decided to start her own company, Studio PC. When I asked her what had inspired all these endeavors, she told me that she finally knew what it was like to be in love and she felt as if she could take on the world. She handed me an envelope and said that she wanted me to watch her devote her life to the one she loved.
That is one unhappy princess.
I should have known something was wrong when it didn't say “wedding” anywhere on the invitation. I thought perhaps it was a typo and pointed out the omission. “Oh, it's not a typo,” she said. “Tinkerbell did some research and we're not actually allowed to call it a wedding”. Tinkerbell?? I looked down at the invitation again and that's when I saw it. That one word single-handedly destroyed all my illusions of fairy tale endings. Of course they couldn't call it a wedding! Same sex marriages are illegal in California!
I was absolutely outraged. Such controversy does not belong in the world of bedtime stories. (shakes duster at audience
) How are parents going to explain this to their children? And, dear Lord, what's next? Soon we'll hear that Mickey Mouse is a transvestite and Snow White is having an abortion! Where will it end? It's not that I'm opposed to same sex marriage in general, of course not! It's just that homosexuality is a concept that is not supposed to exist in this genre. Fairy tales were created to uphold the ideals of Conservative male white-supremacists and now one little fairy has destroyed everything we stand for!
The glass slipper formerly belonging to Cinderella.
Well, to tell you the truth, I could have accepted that my godmother is a lesbian. However, there is one thing I cannot forgive her for. The sneaky little pixie waited until she was almost out the door before she informed me that she was taking back my glass slippers (points to her bare feet
) because Tinkerbell wanted to wear them to the ceremony!
Now that was just one step too far. I could have forgiven her for rewriting my life story, I could have overlooked the lack of “happily ever after” in the revised script, and I even could have forgotten that little remark about the marginalized peasantry, but I will never, ever, forgive her for stealing my glass slippers! (plops back down in the throne and continues to fume as the lights fade out
~ End Scene Three ~
The happy couple