Rachel: "Look guys, these steps are not hard! I’ve been doing them since preschool!"
Kurt: "I’m sorry, did I miss the election for queen. Cause I didn’t vote for you."
Finn: "Look, I owe you guys an apology. I never should have quit. I don't want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people!"
Rachel: "That was you?"
Kurt: "You and your friends threw pee balloons at me."
Finn: "I know."
Kurt: "You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof."
(To bullies) "One day you will all work for me."
(To Mercedes) "You look like a technicolor zebra."
Mercedes: "This song is terrible."
Will: "Okay, no, no. It's not the song, you guys just need to get into it."
Kurt: "No, it's the song. It's really gay."
Rachel: We're going to give them what they want!
Kurt: *Skeptically* "Blood?"
(About the assembly) "They're gonna throw fruit at us. And I just had a facial."
Mercedes: "Damn Kurt! This car is fly!"
Kurt: "My dad got it for my sweet sixteen after I swore to stop wearing form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee." *pause* "What he doesn't know won't hurt him."
(About Mercedes smashing his window) "It's ok. My Dad took my baby [car] away when he found my tiara collection in my hope chest."
Mercedes: Have you ever kissed anybody?
Kurt: Yes. If by somebody you mean the tender crook of my elbow.
(Kurt about to make the kick to win the football game) Ken: "You make this, and you die a legend."
Kurt: "Can I pee first?"
(To Ken) "Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker."
"My body is like a rum chocolate souffle. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise."
The Rhodes Not Taken
(To Emma) "Oh Bambi... I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy..."
"Although I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance remains with you ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows, and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers."
"She (Sue) told me that if I even talked to one of Mr. Schue's kids that she'd shave my head, and I just can't rock that look! I mean, even Justin Timberlake is growing his fro back."
Mercedes: "You are not gonna slushie on my man Kurt."
Rachel: "Why wouldn't he? He's made his choice. He doesn't care about us losers anymore."
Finn: "No, that's not true! It's just if I don't do it, the guys on the team are gonna kick the crap out of me!"
Kurt: "Well we can't have that, can we?"
*grabs the slushie from Finn*
Finn: "What are you doing?"
Kurt: "It's called taking one for the team." *Splashes himself in the face with the slushie, and pauses* "Now get out of here. And take some time to think whether or not any of your friends on the football team would have done that for you." *Finn frantically runs away* Someone get me to a day spa! Stat!
"I have an iPod shuffle dedicated exclusively to selections from Wicked. This is amazing."
Burt: "What's wrong?"
Kurt: "Sorry, it's a glee club thing..."
Burt: "It's not about a guy is it, cause I'm not ready to have that conversation."
Kurt: "At least you don't have to worry about me getting someone pregnant." *cute laugh*
(To New Directions) "We all know I'm more popular than Rachel, and I dress better than her."
(To his dad) "I love you more than I love being a star."
(About the song "Endless Love") "I could totally sing this song with Finn, but screw him if he thinks he's taking the Diana Ross part from me."
(To Finn) "How do you explain her constant irritation with you? It's because SHE'S A GIRL."
(About Finn) "I don't know why I find his stupidity charming, I mean, he's cheating off a girl who thinks she square root of four is rainbows."
Finn: "I'm sick and tired of people pushing me to be somebody I'm not."
Kurt: "You're lashing out at me is fantastically compelling and inappropriate."
Rachel: "I thought we were friends."
Kurt: "What made you think that?"
"Makeovers are like crack to me."
(To Rachel about her room) "You need something to distract from your horrible personality. Most of the time, I can't stand to be in the same room as you. Especially this one, it looks like where Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobby come to hook up."
"Rachel manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time."
(To Rachel) "Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate what a good singer you are because all I think about is shoving a sock in your mouth."
"I say we lock Rachel up until after sectionals. I volunteer my basement."
Will: "What do you guys say when you answer the phone?"
Mercedes: "What up?"
Artie: "Who 'dis be?"
Kurt: "No, she's dead. This is her son."
Power of Madonna
"Mercedes is black, I'm gay. We make a culture."
Finn: "I miss getting hit."
Kurt: "Pure boyish insanity."
(To Mercedes) "You have a week to lose 10 pounds. It's like trying to lose one of my butt cheeks."
"Can you go now? I'm a half hour behind on my moisturizer routine, and I need to wake up early."
"I'm not a box. There are more than four sides to me."
"Dad, I need you to respect my privacy. Brittany and I were just having sexual relations."
"I swear to you I will never change. I'm proud to be different, it's the best thing about me."
Tina: (Referring to her dress) "My balls keep falling off."
Kurt: "I've been there,"
(To bullies) "Yeah, you don't want to be late for your appointment at SUPERCUTS!"
"They're (Vocal Adrenaline) are going for full out theatricality, they know it's the easiest way to beat us! Damn them!"
"I'm so depressed I've worn the same outfit twice this week."
"Mr. Schue, Rachel is one of us. We're the only ones that get to humiliate her."
Mercedes: So is that a men sweater?
Kurt: "Fashion has no gender."
"Suzanne Somers says that skipping breakfast is suicide."
Burt: And last week you had to camp out early so you could be first in line for those Grey's Anatomy DVDs.
Kurt: "Season six, dad."
Mercedes: "How do you know for sure? You can't prove that there is no God."
Kurt: "You can't prove there isn't a magic teapot floating around the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs; but it seems pretty unlikely doesn't it?"
"God makes me gay and then makes His followers go around saying it's a choice, as if I'd choose to be mocked every day of my life."
(Talking about church) Mercedes: "You get to wear a fabulous hat."
Kurt: "You had me at fabulous hat."
(Talking to his hospitalized father) "I don't believe in God dad, but I believe in you. And I believe in us."
Rachel: "Kurt, I need to talk to you about something."
Kurt: "Oh, please not another pregnancy."
Rachel: "Kurt, we have a lot more in common than you think."
Kurt: "That's a terrible thing to say."
(About Sam) "He's on team gay. No straight boy does his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1983."
Kurt: "'Make 'Em Laugh'? 'Singin' In the Rain'?"
Kurt: "1952? Nothing. Okay, maybe you are straight".
"When you're different ... when you're special ... sometimes you have to get used to being alone."
(To Sam about his hair) "I have three gifts: My voice, my ability to spot trends in men's fashion and my ability to know when it comes from a bottle."
Never Been Kissed
(To Karofsky) "You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you."
(To Will) "You, like everyone else at this school, are too quick to let homophobia slide. And your lessons plans are boring."
"You smell homeless, Brett. Homeless."
"My Power Rangers got married and divorced in so many combinations, they were like Fleetwood Mac."
Finn: "Are you sure we should free 300 live doves indoors? Won't that get messy?"
Kurt: "That's why we feed them glitter."
(To Rachel) "You are as brilliant and talented as you are irritating."
Kurt: "How come you were never this nice to me when I was your teammate?"
Rachel: "Cause you were my only real competition."
Kurt: *laughs* "True,"
A Very Glee Christmas
Will: (Referring to Blaine) "Someone special?"
Kurt: "No, just a friend... but on the upside I'm in love with him and he's actually gay. I call that progress."
(Talking to Mr.Schue) "So what brings you here (to Dalton)? Looking for a place to teach where pencils aren't primarily used as weapons?"
The Sue Sylvester Bowl Shuffle
(To Mercedes) "Blaine and I love football. Well, Blaine loves football. I love scarves."
Kurt: "I bring Finn a glass of warm milk every night, just in the hopes we may have a little lady chat."
Blaine: "Warm milk? Really?"
Kurt: It's delicious."
Silly Love Songs
(To Warblers) "I had a cat thrown at me in a nursing home once."
Jeremiah: "No one here knows I'm gay."
Kurt: "Can I be honest?... Just with the hair, I think they do..."
Kurt: "So, it's just like 'When Harry Met Sally'. But I get to play Meg Ryan."
Blaine: "Deal." *pauses* "Don't they get together in the end?"
Kurt: *smiles and ignores the question*
Blame It On The Alcohol
Blaine: "I didn't drink that much."
Kurt: "Are you kidding? You spent the entire night sucking Rachel Berry's face. That, sir, is what we call rock bottom."
(To Rachel) "Blaine is the first of a long line of conflicted men that you will date, that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals."
Rachel: "Blaine and I have a lot in common."
Kurt: "A sentiment expressed by many a hag by many dating a gay."
"I have about as much sexual appeal and education as a baby penguin!"
(After The Klaine kiss) Blaine: We should practice. *referring to practicing their duet*
Kurt: I thought we were. *resumes kissing Blaine*
Born This Way
(To Karofsky) "A Latina Eve Harrington. Okay, if you are going to be gay you simply must know who that is."
(To Blaine after he and the Warblers sing "Somewhere Only we Know.") "I'm never saying goodbye to you..."
(To Rachel) "Oh how I've missed your insanity."
(About Santana's red prom dress) "Go with God, Satan... Santana."
(To Blaine) "Doesn't matter if they are yelling at me or whispering behind my back: they can’t touch me. They can't touch us or what we have."
"Eat your heart out Kate Middleton."
"Jesse St. James totally Jesse St. Sucks."
"I make my living singing girl songs!"
(To Rachel about the Broadway stage of Wicked) "We have to go in. Strike that we have to break in."
Blaine: "I love you."
Kurt: "I love you too. You know when you stop to think about it, Kurt Hummel's had a pretty good year."
The Purple Piano Project
(Referring to Finn/Rachel's kiss in New York) "Finn and Rachel's 'The Kissed That Missed' has 20,000 views on YouTube. And the comic section is just full of blander, like 'Why is the T-Rex eating the Jew'?"
(To Blaine) "I want my senior year to be magic. And the only way that can happen is if I can spend every moment of my life with you."
(About Harmony's performance) Rachel: "I've never been so humiliated in my life."
Kurt: "Me neither. And that's a very high bar."
I Am Unicorn
(About his audition for West Side Story) Coach Beiste: "Isn't that a Streisand song?"
Kurt: "Don't worry. I got written permission from the woman herself: Rachel Berry."
(About his presidential campaign posters) "I might as well have a big neon sign above my head that says 'gay-diddy-gay-gay-gay'."
The First Time
(To Blaine) Kurt: "Do you ever think we're playing it too safe by not granting our hands Visas to travel south of the Equator?"
Blaine: "I thought that's what we wanted..."
Kurt: "It is! But I'm just wondering... have you ever felt the urge to rip off each others clothes and get dirty?"
Karofsky: "I'm what they call a Bear Cub."
Kurt: "Because you look like Yogi?"
Blaine: "Kurt, Sebastian doesn't mean anything to me. Our first time shouldn't be like that. I was drunk, and... I'm sorry."
Kurt: "Sure beats the last time you were drunk and madeout with Rachel,"
(After Blaine kisses him) "You take my breath away. Not just now, but tonight on that stage. I was so proud to be with you."
Hold on to Sixteen
Kurt: "I don't like you."
Sebastian: "Fun... I don't like you either."
Kurt: "I don't like the way you talk to my boyfriend, I don't like your smirky little meerkat face, I don't like your obnoxious CW hair. I'm on to you."
Sebastian: "Let's get a few things straight, Blaine's too good for you, New Directions is a joke, and one of us has a hard luck case of the 'Gay Face' and it ain't me. Odds are by the end of the school year, I'll have Blaine and a Nationals trophy, and you'll have khakis and a Lima Bean apron and that gay face."
Kurt: "You smell like Craigslist."
"I take a lot of crap from a lot of people, but I refuse to take it from Sebastian, the criminal chipmunk."
(About Sebastian and The Lima Bean) "Does he live here or something? Seriously, you are always here!"
The Spanish Teacher
(To Rachel and Mercedes) "Why are you being so weird and serious? Our periods don't come until the end of the month."
On My Way
(To Sebastian) "I'm sorry I didn't hear you, I was distracted by your giant horse teeth."
"In this room, it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight. What matters is that we're friends."
The New Rachel
(To Rachel about Brody) "So he was wearing a towel that was barely covering his twinkle tube? And he’s straight? Hot."
Burt: "The only difference between this place and New York?"
Kurt: "Decent bagels?"
(About his breakfast) "I’m gonna take this down to the park and watch drug deals go down."
(To Blaine about his cheating) "You've said you're sorry a million times, and I believe you. And I'm trying to forgive you, but I'm just not there yet. But it's Thanksgiving and it's sectionals, and I miss you like crazy, and I can't stand not talking to you even though I'm mad at you, because you're still my best friend."