"I am not homophobic. In fact, I have two gay dads. See, I was born out of love. My two dads screened potential surrogates based on beauty and IQ. Then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster. To this day we don't know which one is my real dad, which I think is pretty amazing."
Rachel Berry - Pilot
"This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep."
Terri Schuester - Showmance
"There is nothing ironic about show choir!"
Rachel Berry - Pilot
"Have you ever liked somebody so much you just wanna lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?"
Rachel Berry - Showmance
Sue: "Iron tablet? Keeps your strength up while your menstruating."
Will: "I don't menstruate.."
Sue: "Really? Neither do I."
Will Schuester & Sue Sylvester - Showmance
"Oh bambi... I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy..."
Kurt Hummel - The Rhodes Not Taken
"I'll often yell at homeless people 'Hey, hows that homelessness working out for you?' Give NOT being homeless a try!"
Sue Sylvester - Preggers
"I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help but picture little birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and it disgusts me."
Sue Sylvester - Throwdown
"I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go to college? I don't know. I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners."
Sue Sylvester - Throwdown
"Hey, guys, how's it going? God, it's a beautiful day. Let's run through the number. I can't wait to do the number. I'm ready and excited. Are you guys? stand up. come on. Let's get this joint jumping."
Finn Hudson - Vitamin D
"Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns?"
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman - Mash-up
"Rachel was a hot Jew, and the good Lord wanted me to get in her pants."
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman - Mash-up
"My body is like a rum chocolate souffle. If I don't warm it up right, it won't rise."
Kurt Hummel - Preggers
"I got this at the school library. Did you know you can borrow books from there?"
Finn Hudson - Preggers
"We plan on smacking them down like the hand of god."
Artie Abrams - Vitamin D
"I love the days when I don't wear underwear.... full commando...."
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman - Ballad
"I never noticed how nice Rachel's butt is.......... Oh crap I think Quinn knows I'm lookin at it...."
Finn Hudson - Ballad
"I'm gonna say this as nice as I can, but you look like a sad clown hooker."
Finn Hudson - Hairography
Mrs. Hitchens: "Who do you think I am?"
Sue: "That's a very good question because I've forgotten both your names."
Mrs. Hitchens & Sue Sylvester - Hairography
Quinn: "What are you doing Friday night?"
Puck: "Just the usual. Stand outside the 7-Eleven and look depressed until someone offers to buy me beer."
Quinn Fabray & Noah 'Puck' Puckerman - Hairography
"He's cheating off a girl who thinks she square root of four is rainbows."
Kurt Hummel - Ballad
"You think this was hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That was hard."
Sue Sylvester - Wheels
"I wanna be very clear: I still have the use of my penis."
Artie Abrams - Wheels
"I find recipes confusing."
Brittany - Wheels
"When my mom applied to college, she put being popular as her main extracurricular activity."
Quinn Fabray - Mash-up"
Sue: "When you hear your name called, cross over to this side of this black shiny thing."
Will: "That's called a piano, Sue."
Sue Sylvester & Will Schuester - Throwdown
"I can't wait to start singing and dancing and maybe even putting on the Ritz a little bit."
Sue Sylvester - Vitamin D
"I know our relationship isn't perfect... you cried that one time my elbow rubbed your breast."
Ken Tanaka - Vitamin D
"When I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra, I was aroused. And then furious."
Sue Sylvester - The Rhodes Not Taken
"Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker."
Kurt Hummel - Preggers
"Caning works! And I think it's about time we did a little more of it right here... yes, we cane!"
Sue Sylvester - Preggers
"He's here! He's here! Josh Groban is here. Front row, big brown eyes, cute as a buttermilk biscuit. I barfed."
Sandy Ryerson - Acafellas
"People think you're gay now, Finn. And you know what that makes me? Your big, gay beard!"
Quinn Fabray - Showmance
Sue: "We're gonna bring this club down."
Quinn: "And I'm gonna get my boyfriend back."
Sue: "I don't care so much about that."
Sue Sylvester & Quinn Fabray - Pilot
Ok, I'll stop now, or I would've gone on all night.
