1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'
2. Laugh at him.
3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...'
4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.
5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.
6. Smile during Death-Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.
8. Dance the Funky Chicken.
9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.
10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.
11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.
12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.
13. Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'
14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'
15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
17. Be cheerful.
18. When he tries to impress you with his powers say 'Awwwww, look it. Voldie's got a twiggle!'
19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'
21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'
22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that, a washing detergent?'
23. Keep a 'good-behavior chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.
24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there....
26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?
27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.
28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'
29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drum roll.
32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, o dark one' whenever he starts to talk of what has caused to become who he is.
33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'
34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
35. Mock his choice of Quirrel as a 'host'.
36. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways'
37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.
38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you 'thought you were helping!'
39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
40. Buy him a stress ball.
41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.
42. Call him Tommy-boy.
43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.
45. Say he 'looked better under the turban'
46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
47. Endeavor to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.
48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.
49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
50. 'Imperius' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful'
51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry'.
52. Paint all the Death-Eater masks with bright colours and glitter.
53. Throw him a 'care-bears' themed birthday party.
54. Tell him what Snape's really up to.
55. Politely exclaim now and again that you 'don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles'
56. Sing 'California Dreamin' at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an 'evil moment'
57. Should you ever be eating with him - drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.
58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.
59. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and 'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much as possible.
60. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'
61. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.
62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London....
63. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.
64. Tell him you've met plenty of people more evil than he.
65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.
66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.
67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.
68. Tell him Lucius did it.
69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.
70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.
71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.
72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause'
73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling'
74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.
75. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'
76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'
77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.
78. Lecture him at great length on why he shouldn't use the unforgivables.
79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist that it is 'Aromatherapy'
80. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.
81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric acquaintance.
82. Cuddle him at random moments.
83. Sign him up for Little-League.
84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.
85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.
86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie'
87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.
88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.
89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.
90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.
91. Write sonnets for him.
92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.
93. Offer him ice cream cake.
94. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie'
95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildly depressed' and 'a bit of a control-freak'.
96. Mock his baldness.
97. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted 'evil moments')
98. Get him drunk.
99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah'
100. Let him catch you trying on Death-Eater robes.
101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.
102. When he is eating tell him to mind his manners, sit up straight, set the table properly and to keep his elbows off the table.
103. Whenever he is plotting to do something bad, say Voldy, that isn't nice.
104. Remind him it's been over ten years and he still hasn't killed Harry.
105. Sit him down and force him to go through Harry's photo album with all the pictures of Harry alive and happy.
106. Ask him which one of his ancestors married a snake. Act disgusted.
107. Stare around at the other death eaters during meetings. Lean over to him and ask him why he chose them. Ask him why he could not manage to get more volunteers so that he could actually have some good choices.
108. Ask him if it hurt him when Bellatrix left him for Rudolphus.
109. At death eater meetings, get everyone to be quiet. Use the Sonorus spell. Then say..."Did you know that Lord Voldemort's father was actually a muggle named Tom Riddle? Did you know that our Lord who strives for pureblood is actually a half-blood himself."
110. Stand behind him and mock everything that he says.
111. Ask him if he can help you pass your NEWT in Muggle Studies. Then ask him if he got a NEWT in the subject.
112. Ask him if he's met Darth Vader.
113. Try to teach him the dance moves.
114. Put a "Kick Me" sign on the back of his robes with a permanent sticking charm.
115. Give him a Wal-Mart smiley face sticker and say "Enjoy shopping with our Roll-Back prices."
116. Force him into a McDonald's playpen.
117. Whenever he enters the room, sing him his new theme song: "Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort. He who should not be naaaamed. Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort. He's playing a dirty game!"
118. Address him as m'am instead of sir by "accident."
119. Every so often, punch him in the arm and say "muscle spasm!"
120. During meal time, throw stuffed animals at his head.
121. Tell him it is a message from above.
122. Give him a gift certificate to Starbucks on his Birthday.
123. On Father's Day, tell him that he is like a father to you and give him a big hug. And flowers too.
124. Cover the floor of his shower with axle grease.
125. Buy him a pink fur coat.
126. Write "I love you! -From your secret admirer." on his mirror with bright red lipstick.
127. T.P. his room with scented toilet paper.
128. Buy him a little fluffy kitten named Fru-fru.
129. Tell him he would look more manly if he shaved his legs and chest.
130. Put itching powder in his "evil" shoes.
131. Take him on a double date.
132. Make that a blind double date.
133. Tell his date he naturally has green scaly feet.
134. Buy him a subscription of Nick Jr. Magazine.
135. Sign him up for the Care Bear mailing list.
136.Take him to Six Flags and make him ride the Boomerang and buy pictures of him on it.
137. He has to ride the Rainbow ride too.
138. Redecorate his room with Bob the Builder wallpaper and a pink canopy and bed sheets.
139. Block the Evil Channel on his T.V. and tell him that to much evil will give him nightmares.
140. Get his sister to fall in love with you.
141. Marry her so that you can become his half brother.
142. Tie him up and make him watch a 30 hour marathon of Lizzie McGuire.
143. Then make him eat nothing but brain food for 3 months.
145. After the 3 months of torture is over, tell him his complexion has really improved.
146. Make him eat spinach. Tell him it's good for his colon.
147. On his Birthday, make him wear a Burger King crown. And when you have cake, tell him that a candle for every year wouldn't fit on the cake. Remind him that he's 65 years old at every possible moment.
148. When he is sick, feed him chicken soup and read him the parts in the Harry Potter books where Harry defeats him. Tell what he could have done better.
149. Put a sign on his door that says "Enter at your own risk. Evil Warlord inside." Put stickers on it.
150. Buy him the Candyland computer game.
151. Buy him Harry Potter video games and tell him that if he plays it, he will know what Harry will do next.
152. Take away his scissors and make him use plastic ones.
153. Tell him his cat would look more like him if he shaved it.
154.Take him to a party and make him sing "Take Good Care of my Baby on the karaoke.
155. Throw him a birthday party invite all his Death Eaters and show parts of the Harry Potter movies.
156. Send him a large, rotten fruitcake for Christmas. Include a large, hideous pair of knitted socks and a book on "Learning to Not Be Evil".
157. While he is sleeping, take all his robes and die them pretty, bright colors, such as pink and purple.
158. Put some Iron-ons on his robes that say something cute and nice and have things like butterflies on them.
159. Don't let him drink anything but a special fruit energy drink that you made yourself for two weeks (the drink is made out so orange juice, strawberry frozen yogurt, and fish).
160. If you ever take Voldemort to a party, make him sing, "take good care of my baby" on the karaoke.
161. Buy him fuzzy-bunny slippers for his birthday.
162. Tackle him and yell "DOGPILE!"
163. Give him an all expense paid month living with a therapist document for his birthday.
164. Look at him with an all-knowing smirk and when he threatens you just reply in a sweet sing-song voice, "I know something you don't know!"
165. Teach him the electric slide and say he can't leave his room until he can do it perfectly.
166. Frequently ask him the question "guess what?" and when he says "what" say "your dad was a muggle."
167. Point to his robes while asking one of his death eaters if they are missing any rather ugly curtains.
168. On his birthday get him a balloon that says "get well soon."
169. Tell him that you blew your nose on his robes.
170. When he is plotting an evil plan start singing "What if God was one of us?"
171. Take him to a Quidditch match. Point out the best Seeker on the field and tell him that's what Harry Potter could become if he stopped bugging him so much.
172. Throw him a CareBears Birthday Party.
173. "Oh Voldie you're SO SO HOT let me give a big, wet KISS"....
174. "C'mon Voldie, Powerpuff Girls are on TV!"
175. Tell him: "J.K's going to kill you on her last book you know."
176. When he's out make the theme for his room with pink flowers and butterflies.
177. Walk up to him, put your arms around him and start singing, "I know you I've walked with you once upon a dream..."
178. Make him a knitted sweater and stitch on the back "Slap me."
179. Buy him a home waxing kit for his unibrow.
180. Make him ride the play horses that sit infront of grocery stores.
181. When you run out of quarters, force him to stand on the street with you begging for more.
182. When he smiles, ask him if they believe in toothbrushes at wherever he came from
183. Record everything he says and play the recordings back to him in his sleep.
184. Ask him if he likes the Weird Sisters.
185. "Hey,Voldie, come on with that popcorns! Harry Potter and a Goblet of Fire is on TV!"
186. "Hey Voldie.....I found your diary" (Tom Riddle's diary).
187. Ask him if he's ever looked at himself in the mirror.
188. Take him shopping and go straight to the day care station and tell him that you will be back in a couple of minutes.
189. Get him one of the Harry Potter action figure for his birthday.
190. Get him to watch Lilo and Stitch the movie with the Death Eaters so that they will know how to be good like Stitch.
191. Stick some Harry Potter posters in his room while he's out.
192. Sing him a lullaby every time he sleeps.
193. Tell him that he must be a good boy so that Santa Claus will give him a pair of underwear with Harry on it.
194. Get him one of Mozart's baby CD and play it while he sleeps.
195. Mock one of Harry Potter's lines in the book that involves his greatness.
196. Change his reading glasses to a glasses exactly like Harry's.
197. Ask him if he wears color contact lenses.
198. Ask him if when he was rearranging the letters in his name why he couldn't have come up with something more threatening than Voldemort? "I mean Voldemort what kind of name is that? ooh I'm scared now! Voldemort ahhh!
199. Submit him for The Bachelor.
200. Use spray paint to write on his walls and write 'Snape was here'.
201. Make up "yo mama" jokes to everything he says.
202. Stick his hand in a glass of warm water while he's sleeping.
203. Get him a Harry Potter computer game and tell him that only in the game he can kill Harry.
204. Get some friends together, sneak into a Death Eaters' meeting, and bring lots of confetti and pink streamers.
205. Tell him that he must be crazy to think that his death eaters will listen to his orders when he is almost dead.
206. Tell him that he's too short and that he needs platform shoes.
207. Buy him pink robes and explain that pink is the new black.
208. When he's sleeping, draw a scar on his forehead.
209. Secretly design his room with Harry Potter posters and with black marker write 'Don't You LOVE him?'
210. Remind him how good looking he used to be.
211. Laugh when he's trying to say something serious.
212. Pat his head.
213. Buy him a wig that looks like Harry Potter's hair for Christmas.
214. Call him 'Hottie' or 'Sugar'.
215. Insist on calling him Moldy Voldy
216. Say, "Well! Somebody needs a little sunshine up his jumper today, would you say?" when he threatens you with any one or more of the unforgivables.
217. Write theme music for him and start playing it every time he enters the room.
218. Offer to give him his first kiss in front of at least five Death Eaters.
219. Offer to get him into Hogwarts by dressing him up as a first year girl.
220. Get him an apron that says "kiss the evil cook."
221. Ask him what happened to give him that high pitched voice. Giggle as though you have an idea what happened.
222. Ask about the one-eyed snake. Insist you were talking about his pet.
223. Give him lace panties for his birthday.
224. Sing the infamous "darth vader" theme when he enters a room.
225. Force him to go to muggle garage sales with you EVERY weekend.
226. Ask him to watch an episode of 'Care Bears' with you, and insist he watch it fully, even the credits. Then after, ask him which bear he thinks you are, then tell him which you think he is.
227. Insist that he goes to the Yule Ball with you, then make him slow dance in the middle of the crowd with you. Don't forget, everyone wants that special kiss on their special evening, and so does Voldemort!
228. Buy him Good Charlotte CDs for his birthday.
229. Tell his Death Eaters it was his orders that they all wear pink tutus.
230. Offer to let him borrow your strawberry lip gloss.
231. Do some y-ya-him-a-shelabba magic on him beleive me that wil trick him!!
232. Call him "Moldy shorts" and when he gets mad, tell him that he should wash them at least once in awhile!
233. Bring a whole bunch of muggles and let them play around with them and a bunch of them will sing!
234. Cook him 'evil' chicken soup when he gets a cold and mother him half to death.