Q: Harry Potter is the best! What are they going to call Book Four?
A: "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire."
Q: "The Goblin of Fire?" Cool!
A: No, Goblet.
Q: Goblet? Like a cup?
Q: Ugh. Could that be any more sucky?
A: It could have been "Harry Potter and the Phantom Menace."
Q: So what's it about?
A: No one knows. Author J.K. Rowling didn’t want to spoil the element of surprise, which she feels is essential to creating the childlike wonderment one feels when encountering Harry’s world, as well as a key component of the massive marketing offensive required to sell the unprecedented 3.8 million-copy first run.
Q: I heard in this one Harry licks a booger and eats poo.
A. Who told you that?
A: Is Wayne the boy who told you that babies happen when Daddy buys a rubber for Mommy and Mommy eats the rubber and the baby grows in her for two years?
A: Don’t listen to Wayne.
Q: I also heard that someone dies.
A: That might be true. Currently, the Vegas odds are on either Fred or George, although some people think Rowling might throw a curveball and kill off Hermione. Frankly, though, why not do what nobody's expecting and kill off Harry himself? The remaining books in the series would be titled, "The Late Harry Potter and the Sack of Anger," or what-have-you, and would consist of the other characters having marvelous adventures and then, every once in a while, making a wistful reference to their dear departed friend Harry. Perhaps they could bring in a new character named Lance Carpenter, and he would be just like Harry, only slightly different. Like when Shelley Long left "Cheers."
Q: Did you say 3.8 million? How the heck are they going to sell all those books?
A: Many stores are throwing Harry Potter parties at midnight on July 7. They’re giving away Harry t-shirts, glasses and lightning bolt tattoos. At some stores kids will eat Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans or throw water balloons at Cousin Dudley. In one bookstore in Georgia, children have to jump over Platform 9 3/4 in order to enter the party!
Q: Jumping over things? Isn't that dangerous?
Q: Is Harry's nickname Rabbit?
Q: Wasn't Harry Potter the crotchety old guy on M*A*S*H?
A: No, that was Col. Sherman T. Potter, portrayed by actor Harry Morgan. However, Col. Potter's loyal aide on the show, Radar O'Reilly, was played for eight years by real-life witch Gary Burghoff. Burghoff's left hand was always hidden from the camera as it bore the telltale pentagram birthmark of his cursed legacy. His freakish black magic enabled him to anticipate the lines of the other actors and, when feeling mischievous, he would speak them aloud just seconds ahead of his colleagues. Burghoff was burned at the stake in 1979 in a sacred ceremony presided over by David Ogden Stiers.
Q: If Harry Potter fought Pikachu, who would win?
A: Warner Bros. Pictures.
Q: Ooh! You know who should play Harry in the movie?
A: If you’re going to say that kid from "The Sixth Sense," I swear I’ll slap you.
Q: Um... Hey, did they get Steven Spielberg to direct the movie?
A: No, but they got someone almost as good, by which I mean someone much, much worse: Chris Columbus, director of "Bicentennial Man" and "Mrs. Doubtfire."
Q: Gasp! That's like having your soul sucked out by a Dementor! Couldn't they find someone else?
A: Eric Schaeffer pitched "Harry Potter and the Beautiful Amazon Supermodel Who Finds Him Irresistible." Schaeffer would have played Harry.
Q: Maybe I'll stick with the books. I read the last one in two days.
A: The new one has 752 pages.
Q: Wow! Why do they keep getting longer?
A: Rowling is adjusting her material to her readers’ growing maturity. In fact, "Goblet of Fire" features the word "cocksucker" 63 times, up from 8 in the "Prisoner of Azkaban."
Q: Last night Daddy and Mommy were arguing, and I heard Daddy say that we'd all end up in Potter's Field. Will Harry be there?
A: Daddy invested in dot-coms, didn’t he?