Dr. Gregory House
“I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back's turned you wait in line?”
“Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up.”
“So what's your plan? You take the big dark one, I'll take the little girl, and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things get tough.”
[Houses' patient has just collapsed] "This is exactly why I created nurses. Clean up on aisle three!”
"It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what."
"You talk to God, you're religious; God talks to you, you're psychotic."
"Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable."
"Truth begins in lies"
"Humanity is overrated"
"Reality is almost always wrong"
"It's one of the great tragedies of life — something always changes."
"I was never that great at math, but next to nothing is higher than nothing, right?"
"There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is - in fact - a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate."
(to Foreman) "So your solution is to give me drugs?"
"It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, do the complications increase exponentially with cup size?" (from Fidelity)
"Is your yelling designed to scare me because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be scared of. More yelling? That's not scary. That you're gonna hurt me? That's scary, but I'm pretty sure I can out run you."
"When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done, trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane. So when I hired you, I also set aside fifty thousand a year for legal expenses. So far, you've come in under budget."
House: Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank!
Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you're...
[House's eyes get really wide, and he covers them with his folder]
Cuddy: What are you doing?
House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
Cuddy: I am working. It got hot. Stop acting like a 13-year-old!
House: Sorry. You just don't normally see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
[Wilson tries to look anywhere except at Cuddy's chest]
Cuddy: Women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?
House: No, they can be babes. It's just you don't normally get to see their fun bags.
Cuddy: ...working with people actually makes you a better doctor.
House: When did I sign up for that course?
Cuddy: When did I give you the impression that I care?
House: Working in this clinic obviously instills a deep sense of compassion. (He threatens her) I've got your home number, right? In case anything comes up at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Cuddy: It's not going to work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable: it's a game! And I'm going to win, because I've got a head start. You are already miserable.
House: See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, cause you give me all these really great insights for free.
Cuddy: Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.
House: (complaining about having to teach a course) Why is it always me?
Cuddy: Because the world hates you. Or because it's a class on diagnostics. Pick whatever reason feeds your narcissism better.
We're going to a gallery; we're not getting married.
House, I'm not in heat.
Then move on to your secret, secret, secret stash
Cuddy: Where did you come from?
House: Apes, if you believe the Democrats.
"You thought he was being poisoned by hemlock? Dr. Euripides tell you to check for that?" (from Mob Rules)
Dr. Eric Foreman
"House doesn't break rules, he ignores them!"
"When we see a disease rushing down on someone like a train, we can't always get them out of the way!" (From House Training)
(To House)" I did what you would have."..."I hate that I can listen to a kid scream in pain and not even take a moment to question if I'm doing the right thing. I hate that in order to be like you as a doctor I have to be like you as a human being. don't want to turn into you."
"I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you looked good unshaved, a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, see where you draw the line." (from Daddy's Boy)
"You ever tighten a guitar string really, really slowly? Past the point it can handle the strain? It makes this weird sound, almost like a scream...eeeeeeeh!" (from Alone)
"Dying's easy; living's hard." (from Games)
Get a hooker; anything." (from Distractions)
"Why not? Why not date you? It's brilliant! We've known each other for years, put up with all kinds of crap from each other, and we keep coming back. We're a couple!" (from Don't Ever Change)
"C'est la vie. And I use the French because you're an a**." (from Don't Ever Change)
"She said she cares about other people? What a poseur." (from Frozen)
"The health department; they frown on topless oncology." (from Frozen)
Foreman: "We need to stop retracing our steps and...get ahead of this thing" (small pause) Wilson: "House! You've tanned!"
"I met someone who... made me feel... funny. Good. And I didn't want to let that feeling go."(after Cameron's reply, "You'd be surprised what you can live with" (from Spin)
"(To House) Either that's real guilt or I've got to see this woman" (from Ugly)
"I'm not on antidepressants. I'm on speeeed!" (from Resignation)
"Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly and it's messy, and if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago." (from Occam's Razor)
I still think true Love's out there it's just very far away. Possibly in another galaxy. We may need to develop faster than light travel before we can make contact.
You can't control your emotions...just your actions.
"I'm hitting that and it's totally hot."
"No lesions, no aneurysms. Ironically, the mind of a killer looks completely normal." (from Acceptance)
"Ugly" - (Talking to the patient) "I was doing drugs behind my father's back at your age and I had a lot less reason to be.... Not that your life must be miserable.... Not that I am suggesting you should be doing drugs!"
4x02, "The Right Stuff" - "Her heart is beating." (After he just lit the patient on fire because he used the defibrillators in a hyperbaric chamber.)
4x05, "Mirror Mirror" - "I'm not a masochist. I just like experience if it's new its interesting. I'm just easily bored."
4x10, "It's a Wonderful Lie" - "Can we do a Secret Santa?"
4x11, "Frozen" - "NO!!!!" (Kutner actually stood up to House)
House Episode 4x04, "Guardian Angels" - "This game is insane."
House Episode4x12, "Don't Ever Change" - "Look, she's nuts, but we can't just give her ten CCs of atheism and send her home."
House Episode 4x07, "Ugly" - House: "You're not pretty enough to be an idiot, but you must know that by now which means you just want to do an LP so you can look for inter-cranial pressure."
House Episode 4x07/4x10, "Ugly/ It's A Wonderful Lie"- "We need to intibate!" (He has said that at least 3 times in different episodes)
"Just because we're in a bedroom alone together and I'm laying down doesn't mean we have to get deep."
House Episode 4x08, "You Don't Want to Know" - "You don't know because I don't know!" (Referring to whether she has the Huntington's Chorea her mother died from)
House Episode 4x12, "Don't Ever Change" - "No one can describe themselves in ten words, why would we want to hear anyone else do it?"
House Episode 4x14. "Living the Dream" - "I think I dated that nurse....wait, no, not her."
House Episode 4x08. "You Don't Want To Know " - "Yeah, I’ve been here for eight weeks ‘cause my subscription to Masochism Weekly ran out".
Season 5 Cast