Sitting on her bed, watching her sleeping, House begins to whisper.
-Cuddy, I made things I regret, that you may… never forgive, never forget, but… I hope you’ll give me another chance, you’ll give US another chance… because … I cannot live without you, Lisa Cuddy, you’re the only one who always gave me another chance, who always took my side and believed in me even when I doubted about myself … well maybe Wilson too, but not in the same way, I love Wilson of course but I love him like my best friend you know, I’m not gay, and House giggles slightly, he feels so ridiculous trying to make Cuddy smile whereas she sleeps and doesn’t hear him. See what you make me do? I speak alone, I must look really stupid.
-No, you’re not, House, Cuddy answers softly, opens her eyes and looks at him. I liked what you said, she adds with water in the eyes. A tear rolls on her cheek, House wipes it away tenderly.
-What did you hear exactly? He asks grinning.
-Do you really love Wilson? she asks teasingly.
-Hm, I … he’s my best friend and I like him, that’s all, nothing more.
-Really? Because you seemed to have strong feelings for him and… I was wondering if …
-Shut up Cuddy or you’re gonna regret it, House replies and kisses her softly.
-House…
-Yeah?
-Do you really regret what you’ve done?
House looks at Cuddy straight in the eyes and says slowly: Cuddy! You know me! I’d never lie to you, he replies and raises an eyebrow.
-Where did I hear someone repeat like a mojo “everybody lies”?
-Oh really? Someone said that? Hm… I guess that’s a wise person, don’t you think?
-I’m sorry House if I hurt you, I …
-Shh, Cuddy, we can talk it later, you need to rest, he replies softly and caresses her cheek. Your tests results should be soon here, he adds and feels concern about her state. Does it hurt anymore?
-No, I’m fine, they gave me some morphine I guess… House nods.
-House, we need to talk, and you know it, so why not now? We have nothing else to do!
-Cuddy, I…
-House! Listen to me, please… she says in a low voice, with wet eyes. House doesn’t say a word, he just remains still. I want you to know that I felt guilty, I knew I hurt you but… last time you were stoned when you came to me… Are you stoned right now? she asks and stares at him.
House stares at her a second, then he turns the head to the window. His eyes are full of pain, he didn’t think Cuddy would ask him that. The second these words came out of her mouth, she regretted them, she saw she hurt House deep, but it was too late. A shot of pain went through House’s heart, he didn’t know what to say, how to react. It hurts of course because it shows that she still doesn’t really trust him, or does she?
-House, I… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…
-But you did… he replies, still watching at the window. He doesn’t want to look at her, he’s afraid of what he may see in her eyes. What if she really doesn’t trust him? Could they have a future? And what if she finally thinks he’s not worth it? Could he have been so stupid to believe that one more time she would give him, give them another chance? How many chances did he waste in the past?
-Last time you were… how could you imagine you could have helped me in such a state?
-But you didn’t know it when I came to you, you understood it only when you were out of danger, safe, at your home… when we were sure you wouldn’t die…
-House! What if I died! Would you have been able to take care of Rachel?
-It wasn’t a problem at this time because you chose Julia to take care of her if something happened to you, don’t you remember?
-That’s not…
-Yes it is! It means that at this time you didn’t trust me! You may even have thought there was no future for us! Cuddy looks at him frightened. She never thought it would hurt him that she chose Julia to take charge of Rachel, that he would interpret her choice like a proof of lack of trust in him, in them, in a possible common life.
-I… I thought you didn’t want to be responsible for a child… You didn’t really seem to …
-To what? To be interested in raising a child? Cuddy nods and stares at him. I admit that at the beginning, I considered her as a… burden, you never wanted to stay over at me because of her and… but with time I understood how much she meant to you and… so I tried to pay more attention to her, I coached her for the preschool… and I… I started to like her… we got on well together.
-I … I’m glad to hear it, House. I… I don’t know what to say.
-If I took vicodin, it was only because I wanted to be with you to help you, I know it wasn’t smart but… you know me… I… I always have trouble dealing with pain, with feelings, with relationships and… you might have died, Cuddy! My girlfriend, the woman I loved, the only human being who’s able to make me happy, to make me feel better, might die and I should have been able to deal with this horrible thing alone, to face the possibility to lose you and all I won with you, to face the fear to be alone again, without the help of drug? I couldn’t have been by your side to hold your hand and give you some peace, some comfort before your surgery if I haven’t been stoned, with the vicodin I was able to “function”, to play the role everybody was awaiting me to play, including you…
-You’re right, and my subconscious tried to tell me that you couldn’t get through this without drug… but if I want to be honest all that mattered to me when I thought I might die was that you were with me, I thought a lot about it, you can believe me, she says with a little, sad, bitter smile. What did it matter if you were stoned? You were at least with me, I wasn’t alone…
-So why, Cuddy? Why did you dump me?
-I … I don’t really know, House, I… I think I was afraid of what could happen if you couldn’t face such problems without drug, I was scared, I thought I could never rely on you for important things… and I needed a man on whom to rely… I have a daughter, I’m responsible for her, I have to give her stability, care…
-And you think you can give her all this by being single or with a moron like the guy I saw in your dining room? Who are you fooling, Cuddy?
-Please, don’t…
-Yes, I do! House says and gets up, begins to pace up and down in the room. You told me you weren’t dating anyone, I came to you to apologize, to make amend and to see if we could start on square one because I didn’t want to give up on you so easily Cuddy, and what did I see? A guy laughing at your side, you seemed to like him, you were flirting… it… it was disgusting… How do you think I felt then? How do you think I should have reacted? Should I have just gone away without fighting for you, for us, without showing you how much I cared about you, how much I longed for you, for a second chance? Tell me, Cuddy! Was it me? Was it the way you wanted me to react?
-House! I wasn’t flirting with him! It was Julia’s idea, she wanted me to get better, she wanted to help me to get over you, she introduced me to that guy and… that’s why he was in my dining room, but we weren’t alone, Julia and her husband were there too, I didn’t really like him but I tried to get over you, I tried to forget you, I tried to move on… I… I didn’t know anymore where I was, what I had to do, I was completely lost, House!
-And I felt so hurt, Cuddy! You can’t imagine how deserted, how rejected I felt from the woman I loved! My whole world collapsed the evening you dumped me! Even vicodin wasn’t able to soothe the pain I felt then. You broke my heart, but you broke my soul too.
-And don’t you think I felt hurt too? Don’t you think I felt betrayed by the man I loved?
Bibip bibip bibip bibip
-Cuddy!
-What happens? Chase and Taub exclaim as they come in the room.
-Nothing, she’s just a little… tense, everything’s ok, House replies and stares at Cuddy. Her face is inscrutable, House can’t guess what she thinks, she looks at the window. Outside she gives the impression to be perfectly calm, but inside she struggles with the pain, the fear and the doubts. She waited this talk since the break up, she knew she should have talked to House, she knew she owed him an explanation about the break up, about her weird reactions, House was reluctant and she was too, they waited too long, they hurt each other deep, and now… ? Now they begin to talk, well more exactly they argue because that’s just the way they are, they’re two complicated people in love with each other but so “clumsy” when it comes to relationships! It shouldn’t be so hard. They both know so well the other one; they both know deep in their heart that they’re soul mates, that they’re made for each other… Even Arlene saw it! She even tried to bring them back together, in a very personal and tricky manner but still…
-Do you have the result of the biopsy? House asks.
-Yes, it’s a viral myocarditis probably due to Coxsackievirus B, Chase answers.
-Good, then give her digoxin and diuretics, with Milrinone followed by ACE inhibitors, House says, feeling better now they know what’s wrong with Cuddy. And that’s curable.
-And add to this special cocktail Azithromycin for the cat scratch disease, Thirteen says.
-What?
-Yes, she also suffers from it…
-That’s explain the Parinaud's oculoglandular syndrome…, Taub adds, proud of him.
-Yeah, you were right, congrats, House replies sarcastically.
-So now we solved the case, what about having a drink all together? Chase suggests. They all approve of this idea, after all they are on vacation. House, do you come with us?
-I…, no, thank you, but my place is here with Cuddy. Enjoy your evening, guys.
After a while of silence, House, who leans against the window, finally turns to Cuddy and says:
-Cuddy, we… I’m not on drug… Do you still want to talk?
-House, I … I know I hurt you, I know I told you I wasn’t dating anyone because when you asked me it was the case…
-You’re sure? He replies and stares at her.
-Yes! This guy already approached me at the coffee shop but I told him he mistook me for someone else, I didn’t want to date anyone… but you, House. I… I was stuck, House, I tried to move on, I tried to get over you, over us, but the reality was that I couldn’t! The only thing I could think about was you and the huge void you left in my heart, in my life…
-So why, Cuddy? House says and nears her bed.
-I don’t know! I told you I was scared!
-Of what, Cuddy?
-I… You were back on drugs, I thought you were probably back to the asshole you were which wasn’t good for a kid, your leg was probably hurting like hell but you didn’t open up to me, you never told me anything about you… It was a one-way relationship, House, it couldn’t work, it couldn’t last and you know it.
-Oh yes, that’s true you opened up to me, I’m the only one who screwed it up, is that what you mean, Cuddy? Do you really think you were completely open to me, you told me everything?
-Yes, I…
-No, Cuddy, no! You let the things go worse and worse until you couldn’t deal with it anymore, then you exploded and pushed me away for a while. How do you think I felt when you closed the door on me and refused me to come in and stay over with you?
Cuddy looks at House, but says nothing, her throat is too much squeezed to speak. House always knows how to hurt her badly with words.
-I felt hurt, but I tried to understand you, I tried to take it upon myself to improve my behavior because I loved you and I didn’t want to lose you, I made compromise with myself. You had made me a worse doctor but I agreed, I chose you, I chose to be happy with you. And see the result! You dumped me!
-But you took vicodin, House, you took it to dumb you because you didn’t want to share my pain and my fears, because you didn’t want to involve you too much with me, you wanted to protect yourself because that’s just the way you are… she replies with sobs in the voice. She feels tears rolling on her cheeks but she doesn’t care. And I need and deserve someone who does care about me, someone ready to share my pain, my fears and my problems, but also someone ready to open up to me, to share his pain, his fears and his problems with me…
-… yeah, you’re right, Cuddy. I took vicodin because without the help of the drug I couldn’t stand the idea to lose you, to be left alone… But I also took it to be with you, to be able to look at you one more time, even if it could have been the last one…
-And now?
-Now? he looks at her, an eyebrow raised.
-Would you agree to open up to me? To share our fears, our pain? To definitely give up on drug?
-And you? Can you forgive me? Are you willing to talk to me about your fear to get involved with a man like me and with all it implies? Because that’s it that scared you… Am I wrong?
They stare at each other silently, their eyes reflecting their strong feelings for each other, the desperate need of each other, but the fear to fail too.
