I am trying to do it all. Keep checking. More are coming...
Ehm...I am not quite sure about this one thou. I mean, just tell me whether you truly like this chapter, I am kinda lost here this time. It's like I can't...feel them as I wish I were able to these days. Does this make sense to you? I am a little off my game I guess. Sorry if it's not the chapter of the year...
She got her breath, “Do you really wanna know.... “ she started off, coldly panting a bit “Do you really wanna know....what I think?”
Hugh’s eyes softened again.
“Yes please...” he said, squeezing her hand ever so gently.
Her heart raced, bridling to the feeling of it “You really wanna know?!”
Hugh sighed once more “Yes, yes...of course, speak your mind...I just...I mean...” he swung his head, biting his upper lip “I know..it must sound crazy to you, you’re right but I....”
“MY MIND IS....” she burst out suddenly pinching her voice higher.
Hugh silenced abruptly, raising his eyes up, as he felt her hand sliding out of his.
“My mind is...” she repeated, glaring at him, breathing harder and harder through her nose, “My mind is, if you really wanna know...” her eyes turned glassy, cold, like a flat silver glass of mirror. They froze him, “..that we probably run a little bit out of time for a crises of conscience here....” she trailed off, in one single swallow.
Hugh stood still just watching her, for a few seconds. He just stared at her, witnessing it all as the light in her eyes got dimmer by seconds and the glass shuttered in a billions glittering sharp-pointed pieces, before his very eyes.
He realized by those words, the spell had just got broken.
It took him a few seconds to recover though. A few endless seconds to get over the cold that had soaked into his bones at the sight of her stare or at the sharp sound of her voice.
“What?” was all he managed stammered, faintly, in that moment.
Lisa couldn’t even see why she had to feel so besides herself about it. Which one among all the things suddenly surging in a tangle so violently inside her was being triggering her the most. But that was beside the point then. All that matter edwas how it all was making her feel.
She zipped up her jersey again, with a curt movement “I mean if you were planning to play the card of the little faithful, good husband to back yourself out of it...” she pressed on, coldly “couldn’t you have come up with it a little bit earlier?!”
As usual though it hurt her, badly. Even just feeling those words, simply crushed her. Just thinking them hurt. But she did, she realized somehow. Or maybe they had just been bouncing about in her chest for too long for her to prevent them to surface again right now.
She didn’t even asked herself why the feeling of having been always come after were suddenly leaping out at her so pressingly. But it was and all that mattered right now seemed to be how it was making her feel.
Hugh was keeping quiet, his jaw slightly dropped, his brows furrowed, as he slowly got split into halves by a silent steel getting through him. It was dawning on him but he couldn’t still got himself to believe her.
“What?” he repeated again.
She averted her eyes, “I mean, that would have been a much more nicely tied cop-out, don’t you think?” she said, annoyance growing plainer in her voice. She put her hair back in a ponytail, “You used to be good at it...”
It was like a bolt from the blue, except that he knew it would be striking. Only he couldn’t have brought himself to believe her till now.
“What?!” he cried now, scowling deeper.
She sighed, keeping on arranging her hair, blood coming to her head “Have you another word there, by any chance?”
Hugh gaped “NO! I mean....yes...I mean....” he stammered, frowning confused “No!! It’s...it’s...it’s...nothing like that, it’s...it’s not what I meant, it’s...”
She kept on feigning detachment, ignoring him “Why does this even surprises me?It’s par for the course...is it?!”
She dropped her shoulders, “Oh Jesus...”
He bit his tongue, then clenching his teeth "Ok, no...I mean, you just COMPLETELY got the wrong end of the stick...I didn’t...”
“Did I?!” she silenced him with a cross look, though and began pinching her voice higher already “How is it then?! You tell me....‘cause I...I...”
But she couldn’t finish, ‘cause then it would have meant to have a name for the thing that was making her fly into such a rage right now. And she had none.
“You what?!” he asked, staring at her.
The words slipped out of her mouth, flatly.
“I am tired of this freaking dancing...” she found herself saying. “I’m tired of your cop-outs, and I am tired of the good husband facade, that’s what I am tired of...” she paused, putting her hands down to clench the couch edge, eyes down, looking away. Her heart wrenched in her chest with no reason she had an explanation for either than the fact that she felt so beside herself she could barely bring herself to look at him, “So you tell me how is it....” she pressed on out of breath, “‘cause I have run out of ideas, here...”
For a moment, then he even considered telling her. Confess her that the bare truth was that he had just been brooding over on it an awful lot and even for too long, ‘cause what he really meant was that he simply couldn’t be with her as not knowing whether she wanted to bejust with him or not. No matter how selfish and insane it sounded, as it turned out he MUST know. He couldn’t cope with the kind of arrangement they used to have. He needed something altogether different. And it was insane ‘cause he knew what he couldn’t given her, and what they couldn’t have, but he need to know it: whether they were on par. He just must know it. And yes he was well aware and even too much of the fact that it would maybe neverbe enough between them but the hell with it, he only wants her.
He just quite not entirely ended up putting it like that in the very end...
His heart shrank painfully becoming the size of a grain of sand, instead, thinking back to her words. Then his chest started to swim in a sudden surge of something he almost had no name for. A feeling so puzzling and overwhelming to outgrown everything. The words whispered in the back his head, over and over again, without he could silence them.
“How could you even think something like that of me...” he asked in the end, with a voice so faint it might have come from behind the ends of the world.
Lisa held his stare, firmly, something prickling her, “I don’t know....” Hugh’s eyes flashed straight at her. She felt herself flushing up, her heart bucking,
“I guess you know the answers yourself....” she swallowed.
Hugh didn’t flinch, but it felt felt true to him. Even too much. Unbearably and intolerably true.
‘Cause he just knew she was right.
She was damn right, ‘cause that those nicely tied cop-outs had been just his style for too long; too conveniently in too many occasions.
The words kept sinking in, crushing his chest. And it was funny and it made no sense, but the more aware he grew of how true they were, the angrier he felt.
Especially given the fact that this was just not the case...
She pressed on, “Or maybe I can ‘cause after all that wonderful crap in my trailer I just thought...”
He snapped his eyes up to her “Crap?!?!” he cried.
He pulled himself up on his feet then, slowly, firmly, like he still at times couldn’t believe her, his voice getting bitter, hissing “Aren’t you going a little bit too far?!”
Lisa looked up at him, remaining sit, her heart buckling again.
She forced herself to look emotionless.
“Yes crap..." she repeated, "I mean if you had been truly....”
He dropped his mouth open, “I have NEVER been more....”
“Serious?!?! Really?!” she said standing up as well, “THIS” she stressed, motioning to him “...is your version of being serious?! SERIOUSLY?! Taking it back and....”
His eyes opened wide “I am NOT taking ANYTHING BACK I am JUST concerned!!!” he cried moving his hand back and forth between them.
She shook her head, sarcastically "Really?! Concerned?!"
Hugh felt his temper rising. His eyes hardened, “I. AM. CONCERNED. ABOUT. US.” he said, spacing the words, as keeping on motioning between the two of them “US. THE TWO OF US. ME AND YOU. US!”
She pursed her lips.
He made it sound like he didn't want it to. Like he thought she was behaving ungratefully. Like he thought or felt she was behaving like a fool.
“Well then what the hell ON THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT is supposed to....”
Blood rushed to his head, “Not what YOU think, alright?!”
It shocked him.
The very tone of his voice shocked him. The harshness of it, the angriness in it the hidden resentment beyond the words, like there were same part of him surfacing now who might have been pissed at her that he didn’t even know the existence of.
Lisa watched him, puckered, her lips pursed, her eyes flashing.
He licked his lips, opening his mouth to speak.
“I’ll tell you what...” she snapped before he might say something “I won’t be standing here having another of those fights we always had over NOTHING! she flared up, as turning away from him, “There’s nothing to talk about, forget it....”
Hugh remained motionless, feelings roiling inside him, getting louder, seconds by seconds. He stared at her back.
“Nothing?!Really?!” he questioned.
“Yes nothing...” she said.
He open his eyes wide “NOTHING?! SERIOUSLY?!”
She whirled round, crossing arms over her chest, still not looking at him.
He breathed hard through his nose, “So there’s nothing to talk about, according to your mind?”
"No" she said.
He nodded, staring away, rubbing his lips, moving nervously "Right...”
Lisa didn't move. She just stood quiet. And she didn’t know what kind of reaction she was hoping to be triggering there, but there didn’t seem to by anyway to stop herself.
"....nothing apart from the obvious fact that you think so little of me of course...” he taunted, bitterly as going back looking at her “Let alone that you trust me so poorly you..."
She scoffed, unable to help herself once more “Trust, you don't even...”
“STOP DOING THAT!” he found himself crying all of a sudden, blood rushing inside him, “I HATE WHEN YOU DO THAT!!!! IT HURTS ME AND I...”
Her eyes open wide up at him She gaped, “Why are YOU even YELLING at me NOW?!” she brought one hand to her chest “I AM the ONE who’s supposed to feel...”
He watched himself stepping forward, beginning to gesticulate “Let's just make ONE thing clear, alright?! I know how I FEEL and I assure you I FEEL AW....”
“YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT AWFUL FEEEEELS!!!”
He step forward, keeping on yelling “WHAT IS THIS A CONTEST?! DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO SCORED BETTER OR WHETHER WE ARE ON PAR?"
Blood rushed to her cheeks. She took a step towards him, narrowing her eyes “Oh NO need to run one, YOU are LEADING believe me...you..”
“I AM JUST TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING...” he cut her off, yelling even more.
“THE RIGHT THING?! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO YOURSELF?!”
“If you could JUST SEE THAT and STOP being...”
"SEE WHAT?!" she gaped.
“The TIGHT SPOT I am finding MYSELF IN...”
Her jaw dropped open, “THE TIGHT SPOT?!ARE YOU...”
“And why do you ALWAYS HAVE TO DO THAT?!” he cut her off.
She gaped wider, her eyes narrowed, “WHAT DO I ALWAYS ALLEGEDLY DO?!”
“THIS!” he cried.
“THIS WHAT?!?! And how could you even....”
He pinched his voice over hers, “I DARE, BECAUSE....”
“And which would be WHAT, EXACTLY?”
He frowned, gesticulating “WHAT?!”
“Your legendary RIGHT THING I mean...” she spit out in a scornful mockery. And then it was cleat that it had just become a slogging match. No matter what the other answered.
He narrowed his eyes, muttering the words, "My legend..."
“Is it right packing MY HEAD with wonderful words you DON’T MEAN?!”
He towered over her, this time “I MEANT each one of the words I SAID! YOU'RE BEING UNJUST I...”
Lisa faced him “Oh UNJUST really? So you think YOU CAN COME ON TO ME and then simply ...”
“I DID’T COME ON TO YOU!!!” he began yelling again “YOU were the one COMING ON TO ME and I TRIED, I....”
“OH SO NOW IT’S MY FAULT?!!” she cried back, with all the breath she had “HOW CONVENIENT” she snapped.
He became blue in the face, “I AM NOT SAYING IT’S YOUR FAULT DAMN IT, I AM SAYING..."
“STOP YELLING AT ME!!!”
His lips trembled “YOU’RE YELLING TOO!!!”
“I AM THE ONE WHO HAS A RIGHT TO!!!” she cried.
Hugh chest ached. He got his breath.
"WHY do you have to twist EVERYTHING I say?!” he hissed.
She licked her lips, getting some closer “And why don’t you wonder yourself why ARE YOU always so TWISTED and COWARDLY that you can NEVER speak your mind to me clearly instead?!”
He clenched his jaw, his eyes flashing into hers inches away “Well MAYBE because ONE OF US needs to act LIKE A GROWN UP around here from time to time AND FREAKING STOP saying EVERYTHING that crosses her mind AND I FUCKING TRY to ponder BEFORE...”
Lisa made a mocking face “Oh and YOU would be the grown up? You and your freaking one hundred and one deflections and crises of conscience and...”
“I AM NOT THE ONE FUCKING RUNNING AWAY AND GETTING ON A PLANE” he snapped, without managing to control himself again.
She pinched her voice back higher as well, “I AM NOT RUNNING!!!!!!”
He watched her, furious “BUT YOU'RE LEAVING, ARE YOU?!"
She had a moment of hesitation, backing off ever so slightly “YES, but I...”
“So AT LEAST I am NOT the one WHO KEEPS BACKING DOWN ON US, am I?!”
She made a face, gaping, “Who?! ME?!?!”
“Yes YOU!” he said. scornfully
She dropped her jaw, gesticulating “I backed down on us?! YOU backed down on us, MONTHS AGO and it wasn’t my fault it was...”
“YOU DUMPED ME!!!” he yelled to her face.
Her jaw trembled, “I DUMPED YOU 'CAUSE YOU DIDN’T LOVE ME ENOUGH!!!!”
“I DID!!!” he bursted out.
She hesitated, eyes swimming into his, “WELL YOU DIDN’T SHOW ME!!!”
He pursed his lips, shortly
“WELL NEITHER DID YOU!!”
“YOU WERE MARRIED!!!” she cried.
He hesitated this time, “Well but I TOLD YOU that I DO LOVE YOU now, DIDN’T I?” Lisa felt breath failing her, “WELL SO DID I!!!!” she shrieked “WE ARE ON PAR ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!”
He moved away from her then, tossing his arms up in the air, “THEN GOOD!”
She crossed her arms over her chest, “GOOD!!” she repeated, yelling after him.
“JUST GREAT YEAH!!!” he spitted.
They just stood breathing for a while.
Both out of breath, in silence, away from each other, fit to be tied.
They didn’t know what had got into them. Where had this all started or what it supposed to lead but then suddenly Hugh whirled round on her.
“Do you really wanna know why I are we still FREAKING ARGUING?” he spoke up, taking a step towards her once again.
She didn’t back off, but something buckled in her chest “You think I don’t know?!?!”
His lips hardened into a tight line “I think you haven’t gotten a DAMN thing about WHY I AM arguing with you YES, that’s what I think!!!” he flared up “And if you weren’t so...so...so...”
Her eyes flashed at him, “So what?!” she challenged him, disentangled her arms to face him.
“So....BUSY” he burst out disdainfully, stammering lightly “...at..at running...I...I...” he smiled a bitter smile “you...you’ve been running for so much time, by now, that you really can’t get why I AM here, can you?!” Lisa opened her mouth to speak, but he didn’t let her this time “...arguing DAMN IT rather than doing AS I LIKE with you and you you think my marriage....”
“Oh ‘cause now there’s even a reason to it” she cut him off though a harsh derisive tone “And YOU have a right to be arguing with me, sorry...I thought I was the one....”
“‘I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!!” he shut her up yelling again, “THAT’S WHY I am arguing WITH YOU!” he said gesticulating, talking animatedly, “THAT’S why I can’t....”
“YOU don’t know what I want?!” she said, pinching her voice higher as well “I AM THE ONE WHO doesn’t know what YOU WANT!!”
“WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!” he shouted in frustration “YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT!!! I WANT YOU!!! IT’S YOU WHO NEVER TELL ME THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT”
“YOU NEVER ASKED ME!!!” she yelled in the very same frustration.
“THEN I AM ASKING YOU NOW DAMN IT!! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!”
She hesitated again, “I....”
He made a sudden nervous gesture up in the air with his hand, “WHY WOULD I HAVE EVEN SHOWED UP HERE, YOU THINK.....”
She dropped her jaw, opening her eyes wide “I don’t KNOW! HOW am I supposed to...”
“DAMN IT LISA, IS THAT SO HARD?! I AM SWIMMING IN PAIN HERE!! AND OK YOU’RE RIGHT” he nodded disdainfully “I AM FUCKING TWISTED AND I AM A COWARDLY, DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?!”
She opened her mouth “THAT WASN’T WHY!!!!”
“THEN DO NOT CALL ME AN HYPOCRITE!!!” he kept yelling without listening to her “‘CAUSE I AM STILL TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING DAMN IT!!! AND JUST BECAUSE I CAN’T BRING MYSELF TO ASK YOU THAT DOESN’T MEAN....”
She furrowed her brows, “ASK ME WHAT?!”
Hugh’s jaw tightened “ASK YOU TO FREAKING ST...”
They sprang apart in that vert moment, leaping backwards.
And the room suddenly went very quiet.
There was just the rasping of their breaths in the air, their faint low thudding of their hearts which had just leapt into their throat, and were now throbbing, but suddenly like a road drill. Worst than ever.
They kept their eyes both fixed on the door, as seconds passed, ears strained, wondering whether they might have just imagined it.
Then they heard it again.
Three clear knocks on the door and then someone fizzling their names, thrice in a row, low and rhythmically “Hugh and Lisa...Hugh and Lisa....Hugh and Lisa....”
They couldn’t bring themselves to look at each other. But they frowned, both still definitely out of breath, both being on the rack, both thinking to one another and to what the other might be fearing the most; and why it hurt so much that the thought of being caught might be so distressing for any of them right now.
Then something banged loudly against the door, this time, startling them.
“Come on guys.....open up the doooooor...it’s me....Greeeeeeggggyyyy....I know you are in theeeeereeee...”
Hugh dropped his shoulders then, still staring at the door, in disbelief. Then he sighed loudly, grunting, tossing his head backwards and bit lips.
Hard. Very hard. Very very hard. So hard to almost cause blood to pour.
Any other person today would have been almost easy to get rid of; even at risk of jeopardizing everything, any other healthy and not entirely bombed person would have been likely to be chased away with just word. But not Greg tonight, or today or this freaking morning.
It freaking was the damn morning already...
He shove his face into his hands then. And felt like rubbing hard. Very hard. So hard he wished he would be able to rip the skin off his face..
Lisa remained by the couch, without moving. She felt like an implosion had just took place inside her or between them. And it made her feel unbearably shattered as she slowly got wise of it, of how it was all to remain unsolved now in the end, their confrontation cut off, as someone had just simply put a gag on it.
Hugh didn’t even looked at her as he walked up to the door.
He moved without a word, plodding across the room. It hurt her somehow, unexplainably given the situation, she had to admit. And once again she just didn’t have an reason for that.
Hugh sprang the door open.
He shot Greg the most unwelcoming look he had never reserved to someone, his lips tightly pressed into a straight line.
Greg smiled, though, wearing an idiotic grin on his face “I love Sheldon Cooper...” he said, clenching his teeth like a fool “He is a hoot, don’t you think?” he slurred giving him a sly look.
Hugh’s expression changed not one jot, “What the hell are you doing here?” he spoke up instead.
“I sneaked out on them....” Greg giggled, merrily, though again, sounding like not picking on any of not-so-subtle-you-are-the-least-welcomed-right-now-signs he was giving him. He sounded very proud of himself on the other hand. Like a teen who had just managed to sneak up on his parents to crash at a senior party.
He shot himself in then, throwing oneself like a dead weight into the couch.
Hugh closed the door behind him, puckered, fuming. He spare a glance on Lisa. She was still obviously breathing hard for the yelling. Her breast still rising and falling, back and forth at a slower rhythm, though, her cheeks purple red, her eyes still looking like blazing.
They suddenly flicked up on him, at some point, meeting his.
Something silently cracked inside him, splitting him into another two halves.
Greg sprawled lengthwise across the couch, yawning widely “Whaaaaaat the hell you two were yeeeeelling so much anyway?”