1. Offer him Visine at inopportune moments.
2. Mock his choice in becoming an Eye. Wouldn't a Mouth or a Hand be easier?
3. Knock on bedroom doors around Mordor late at night and complain that you had a bad dream.
4. Train his armies to sing "The Ants Go Marching One By One."
5. During secret evil plotting meetings, raise your hand and ask to go to the bathroom in a whiny voice. Squirm a lot if he says no.
6. Tell Sauron "Wormtounge said you're looking fatter."
7. Tell Wormtounge "Sauron said you're looking fatter."
8. Then throw a party and force both to sit through it. Sitting next to each other.
9. Whenever possible, work a phrase about body parts in, such as "reach out your hand and take it." Then stare pointedly at him and apologize.
10. Convince him to engage in staring contests with you.
11. Chastise him for talking to people he doesn't know over the palantir. It could be dangerous!
12. When he tells you he's only been talking to Saruman, mock him on his choice of friends.
13. Politely wonder out loud how such a powerful guy like him was having such trouble catching "one of those adorable little hobbits."
14. Ask him his opinion on Legolas's outfit and then chatter on about how you'll buy him one just like it after he gets his body back.
15. "Did anyone ever ask you out on a date? Did you ever even GO on a date? Ever??"
16. Ask him if he ever thought of seeing a psychoanalyst.
17. Randomly set out an alert for the Nazgul to hurry back to Mordor. Watch in laughter as they and Sauron bewilderedly try to find out why they are here.
18. Say that you "thought he needed a visitor!"
19. Buy him a kitten. Act mortally offended when he doesn't want to pet it.
20. When he does decide to pet it, pull it away saying, "You can't! You'll give it third degree burns!"
21. Better yet, pull it away saying, "You can't! You don't have any hands! So THERE!"
22. Ask him if he flosses. Do so regularly.
23. During his speeches to his minions, loudly hum patriotic tunes in the background.
24. Make him watch the Godfather.
25. Make him watch the Princess Bride.
26. Tell him you already read the end of Lord of the Rings and “it may not turn out like you think...”
27. If ever there should arise a reason for him to say "Doom," you, in the background, make echoing noises ("Doom, doom, doom, doom...")
28. Redecorate Barad-dur. Include lots of pastel and potted plants.
29. If ever he reprimands anyone, shout at the person, "So, nyeah!" and stick your tongue out.
30. Get the Nazgul to play Go Fish with you every evening.
31. Place multiple spotlights around the top of Barad-dur and have them shine in all directions in a slight mockery of how his Eye sweeps around. When he confronts you about it, pout and say you were only trying to help, seeing as he only has one eye….
32. Buy him Mascara. Say that he may as well look pretty with what he has.
33. Cry out “Dun dun dun!” during any of his “evil moments.” Follow this with a wicked laugh. “MWAhahahaha!”
34. Read him bedtime stories.
35. Force him to come food shopping with you. Loudly ask him if he ran out of Flintstones Vitamins yet.
36. For Christmas, buy him under-roos, or rather ugly socks.
37. For his birthday, buy him a jewelry box, earrings, and a necklace to go in it.
38. Put a big emphasis on all the jewelry you buy him being silver. State all the time that “gold is sooo last season.”
39. Play Elton John CDs as loud as you can, especially at inopportune moments.
40. Make him read fanfics. Really bad ones.
41. Ask him continually if he wants to set up his own Lord of the Rings fan site.
42. Teach him swear words in foreign languages. If he actually uses them, scold him severely.
43. Sign him up for Cub Scouts.
44. Pat him on the head and offer him ice cream whenever the idea just hits you.
45. Make him watch reruns of Pinky and the Brain. Then continually ask him "So Brain, what are we doing tomorrow night?" Act upset when he doesn't respond correctly.
46. Read Cosmopolitan magazine during secret plotting meetings. When he tries to get your attention, look up bewilderedly and say, "Hmm?"
47. Get the Witch-king to read Cosmopolitan too.
48. Get him cheap plastic rings from the 50-cent gumball machines. Say, "See? This one is better! It has a pink jewel! You don't need that old thing."
49. Knit him sweaters. Really really horrible ones.
50. Sneak into the stables and braid bows into the manes of the Nazgul's horses.
51. Once the horses are gone, sneak back into the stable and clip the wings of the winged creatures.
52. When he yells at you, say that that’s what they do to parakeets and other flying pets, and frankly it’s much safer.
53. Ask where he went to school. When he says he didn't, exclaim, "How can you expect to rule the world without an education?"
54. Tell him that Barad-dur clashes with the color of his eye. Offer to paint it.
55. After he says no, paint it anyway just to show him it was a good idea.
56. When the Nazguls' horses die, bring each of them flowers and sniffle loudly.
57. Bring your dog with you to secret plotting meetings. Accidentally let it pee on the rug.
58. Let him catch you hanging out in Rivendell, talking casually to Elrond.
59. Make him cards all the time. Make sure that they are mostly apologetic and sweetly saying that he is a good friend no matter how bad he is at world leadership.
60. Make him shaped chicken nuggets for dinner, every night.
61. Ask if he ever watched Oprah, and then suggest that he does, as she often talks about people with problems such as his.
62. Let him catch you singing Spice Girls songs into a hairbrush, while wearing feather boas and sparkly sdonkeys. If at all possible, get him to join you.
63. Get him tickets for two to see the Nutcracker on Broadway.
64. Use the palantir to watch your soap operas. Make sure it's a really addictive one, and make sure he walks by.
65. Walk in on him watching the soap on the palantir in an empty room. Smile knowingly and ask if Nikolas and Emily got back together yet.
66. Continually ask him how he can hear people, seeing as he has no ears.
67. During these times, repeat "Can you hear me now? Good!" as often as possible.
68. Make morning bulletins to his minions over a loudspeaker. Insist on singing the national anthem.
69. If there is no national anthem, write one yourself. Be sure to include, "Saury-kins takes good care of us, we know that with him we shall fly!” in a very high pitch.
70. Later, change the words, in case there should ever be a re-election. It just wouldn’t be fair to have one name in the anthem, now would it?
71. Set up a vacation for him at the Lothlorien House of Healing. Say a little mbuttocksage therapy would be good for him.
72. Give the Witch-Kings cell phones. Tell him he's not old enough for one yet and smile apologetically.
73. Tell anyone that comes to see him "He's really only tough on the outside."
74. Constantly disappear from sight for days at a time and reappear only to say, "I was just visiting the Shire!"
75. Bring him back a souvenir. If possible, prosthetic furry feet.
76. Teach the head of the Uruk-Hai to crochet.
77. Sneak on the palantir and program it so that the next time it turns on it will only play Ralph Bakshi's Lord of the Rings.
78. Don't tell Sauron how to change the palantir back to normal no matter how he threatens you.
79. Get him to read Harry Potter with you.
80. Ask him if he provides dental plans for his armies. When he says no, ask him if he provides a retirement plan, or some sort of compensation. When he still says no, decide that you yourself will at least make gift bags for his minions.
81. Be sure to include shaving gel and razors in the gift bags for the wild men.
82. Include soft face wipes in the gift bags for the orcs.
83. Include a good reading book, such as To Kill A Mockingbird, in the gift bags for the Uruk-Hai.
84. Include gift certificates to Plaster Fun Time in the bags for the Easterlings.
85. Decide to make bread in the Barad-dur kitchens. Accidentally put WAY too much yeast in.
86. Give him summer reading buttocksignments. Include books such as Franklin Learns to Share. Have him sound out words with more than one syllable.
87. Laugh much too loudly at TV shows while he is trying to read his buttocksignment.
88. If ever a fight breaks out among the orcs, break it up and bring all involved, including Sauron, to Ricki Lake.
89. Convince all the Easterlings to join you in Christmas Caroling in front of his front door. Be sure to do so in the summertime.
90. After you have run out of Christmas Carols, start with “You Are My Sunshine” and “Bicycle Built for Two” at the top of your lungs.
91. Mildly exclaim that you can't wait to attend Aragorn's coronation.
92. Plaster Orlando Bloom posters everywhere.
93. Give him a course on etiquette. Begin with a Tea Party as a demonstration. Invite all the Nazgul and have him pour tea and make conversation as politely as possible. Award good behavior stickers to the partygoers.
94. Also use stickers to set up an "Employee of the Month" program. Monitor the behavior of the orcs and Uruk-Hai carefully. Stickers for those with best behavior. Creature with the most stickers at the end of a month wins.
95. Pester him about his first kiss. A lot.
96. Stare at him for a long time before saying out loud, "I think your problem is you’re just a bit depressed. A therapist could fix that right away."
97. Explain to him in detail the hilarious new episode of Spongebob Squarepants you just watched. Continually stop to laugh hysterically and then take five minutes to catch your breath before continuing.
98. Set up a tennis court on the slopes of Mount Doom for recreation time.
99. Buy him a plastic backpack with Frodo’s smiling picture on it.
100. Explain to him who Saddam Hussein is, and point out parallels between their downfalls and mind problems.
101. Dangle the ring in front of his face.