Tom talked about the advantages of getting old, but there was one disadvantage he was going to point out.
Tom: There's only one downside to getting old. I guess you know by now, you're all going to die. I didn't mean to remind you but it is on your schedule.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It might even happen before you get old. It usually happens when you don't expect it. Generally you have your stamp collection out.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: *Looks at the ceiling* Now? *Looks at the floor* Now.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: There's a time to die, and that's okay. Nopony wants to die. No one! Well, you know. Most ponies.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Don't want to die. Nopony wants to die. Boy if you think being sick is no fun.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Dying is really a pain in the ass!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Nopony wants to die. Nopony minds being dead. Being dead is great.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: But getting dead.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Nopony wants that. *Walks across the stage* I hope I don't die. I wonder how often ponies think that. It's just under the surface. You go out for the day. Going out of your house then say. Boy I hope I don't die.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It would really spoil the circus. If I were to die. Jeez I hope I don't die. Comedians don't want to die. It's only a metaphor but it's so true.
Crowd: *Chuckling*
Tom: The comics out there say I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die. Jeez I was dying out there. It was like a morgue!
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: But if the comedian does succeed in making the audience laugh, then they will say.....I killed them!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I killed them! So it's either me or you.
Crowd: *Laughing, and whistling*
Tom: Just like on the interstate. You know dying shouldn't be bad, it shouldn't be! We're all gonna do it. It's one of the few fair things in life. Everypony catches it once.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And dying should be fun, after you die you're gonna find out where you go.
Crowd: *Laughing with few claps*
Tom: Isn't that the big thing we wonder about all the time? Where the hell do you go? I don't know! Joe knows where he's going. I know Joe thinks he knows but Joe don't know. Where do we go? Nopony knows. Well sometimes I think, you know where you think you're gonna go. Whatever you think you'll do that's where you're gonna go. Chances are you'll go there if you keep thinking it. Don't you here some of them say, I'm going to hell. Don't worry about me.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Don't worry about me I'm going to hell. He is!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I think when you die your soul goes to a garage in Buffalo.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: When Regis Philbin dies he'll have four choices.
Crowd: *Laughing, clapping, and whistling*
Tom: That's the idea, you'll go wherever you wanna go.
Crowd: *Whistling*
Tom: Now nopony wants to die, and it's mostly because you don't want others going to your funeral. We've seen it, we know how bad it is. We know the funeral is no fun! If I don't like funerals for others I KNOW I'm not gonna like my own!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: There's no way I can get behind my own funeral. I'm gonna be lying there in the casket. They're gonna put me in the box. They're gonna put me in the convertible with the top down.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: You know that's embarrassing, just lying there.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And other ponies are looking at you. You're dead!
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: And you're dead. You're just lying there still, and everyone comes looking. *Makes his eyes wider while looking at the floor*
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It's embarrassing! And then sometimes they'll kneel by your casket doing the cross thing on their chest. Then they're silent for a moment. And what they're doing during that silence is, subtracting. Their age from your age.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: So they get a rough estimate on what they have left.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Then they ask don't he look good?
Tom then made a creeped out face, making the audience laugh more.
Tom: Are you crazy? HE's DEAD!!!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I know but he never looked that good.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Oh they say the nicest things about you. Your popularity goes up when you die.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: They'll say the nicest things about you, even if they're making it up.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Well he was a real asshole, but he meant well.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: The well meaning asshole.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: You get real popular when you die. All the flowers you can ever ask for. Think of the flowers you get when you die. You get more flowers during your death than you ever got in your whole life. All your flowers arrive at once, too late.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Well, Ben is dead now. Poor Ben. Pat is gone too. Poor Pat is dead too. Albert is still alive, isn't he?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I wish he would die so I could like him.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Reincarnation is another thing ponies believe in after death. Reincarnation, they're coming back. Lots of ponies are sure of it. What they come back as, no one knows. To be honest though, mathematically it doesn't seem to work. Let's say we had 6 ponies. I know it was 2, but that number is controversial.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: So we'll say, about 6 ponies. 6 souls. Those 6 ponies die, and then the 6 souls go back to the staging area.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: New ponies are born, and then the 6 souls are back, but we still only have 6 souls. Now we have 4 billion ponies, claiming to have souls.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Where are all these extra souls coming from?!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Someone is printing up souls!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And it lowers their value!
Crowd: *Clapping, and laughing*
Tom: The more souls there are, the less they're worth.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: Well somepony has to think about this stuff. That's my job, thinking about goofy shit, and informing you about what it means.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I often think of the perfect murder. You know what the perfect murder is. You pick up a pony by it's legs, and you beat another pony to death by striking him with the pony you have obtained.
Crowd: *Laughing while cheering*
Tom: And they both die, and there's no murder weapon!
Crowd: *Laughing, whistling and clapping*
Tom: What happened here Sargent? Looks like a pedestrian accident to me.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: They must have been walking at a high rate of speed.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Of course if you should be caught committing the perfect murder in progress, the police could send you....to death row. Death row. ahhhh..You got that one meal, but that doesn't really give you much, does it?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I mean what a big deal. Why don't you leave me alone? I'm not hungry man!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: They give me that last meal. You gotta have fun with it if you have the opportunity. It can be anything you want. They have to give it to you. But first you tell them. You can't decide.
Crowd: *Laughing while clapping*
Tom: Well damn! I can't decide!
Crowd: *Whistling while clapping*
Tom: I could choose a pizza, or a lobster, but I honestly can't decide. They would have to wait for you to make up your mind. They can't kill you if you can't decide.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: This could go on for 6 months. Stallion can't decide what he wants for last meal during death sentence!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: 3 years, 8 years! Then finally, tell them you've decided. I think I'll have. Pizza. Okay, what kind of toppings?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Awww... I can't decide.
Crowd: *Clapping, whistling, and cheering*
Tom: Hey my feeling is if you're gonna die, die big! Make something out of it. Nopony wants to just....pass away.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: You don't want to be a euphemism, do you? Nopony wants to pass away. You know, Arnold passed away. Oh did he? Yes. Well I didn't know that. Well that's the idea.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: On the other hand, Dan died!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Oh yes I heard about Dan dying. That's true. I say die big! Give it a shot man! Go out big! I say die big. Give 'em a show before you go!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Entertain, and inform those you leave behind. If you have the potential, make something out of it. Practice a few reflexes when you get electrocuted or run over by a truck.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Roll off the autopsy table.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Cross your legs, scratch your balls, do something!
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: Now the reason I am giving you these suggestions is because of part of the death process called. The two minute warning.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: Not many ponies are aware of this. The two minute warning, just like in football. Two minutes before you die, you receive an audible warning. Two minutes, get your shit togetha!
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: The only reason we don't know about it is because the only ponies that do know about it die.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And we probably wouldn't believe anypony if they told us anyway. You hear that one old stallion on the bus, and he says, hey! I just got my 2 minute warning.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: You'd think he was a football coach, from out of town. But know when the 2 minute warning does arrive.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I say use that time to entertain. Do something with the time to make something. If anything, give a speech. We can all make up a 2 minute speech. Pick a category you really like, and talk non-stop for 2 minutes! I mean it's your last chance to tell them!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And at the end leave a big pause and say if this is not the truth, may god strike me dead!!
Crowd: *Clapping while laughing, cheering, and whistling*
Tom: Thanks for joining me on this nice day. Have fun out there with your lake of salt.
Crowd: *Cheering, and clapping as Tom waves goodbye, and runs off the stage*
The End
SeanTheHedgehog Productions. Copyright, 2021
Tom: There's only one downside to getting old. I guess you know by now, you're all going to die. I didn't mean to remind you but it is on your schedule.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It might even happen before you get old. It usually happens when you don't expect it. Generally you have your stamp collection out.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: *Looks at the ceiling* Now? *Looks at the floor* Now.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: There's a time to die, and that's okay. Nopony wants to die. No one! Well, you know. Most ponies.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Don't want to die. Nopony wants to die. Boy if you think being sick is no fun.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Dying is really a pain in the ass!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Nopony wants to die. Nopony minds being dead. Being dead is great.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: But getting dead.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Nopony wants that. *Walks across the stage* I hope I don't die. I wonder how often ponies think that. It's just under the surface. You go out for the day. Going out of your house then say. Boy I hope I don't die.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It would really spoil the circus. If I were to die. Jeez I hope I don't die. Comedians don't want to die. It's only a metaphor but it's so true.
Crowd: *Chuckling*
Tom: The comics out there say I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die. Jeez I was dying out there. It was like a morgue!
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: But if the comedian does succeed in making the audience laugh, then they will say.....I killed them!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I killed them! So it's either me or you.
Crowd: *Laughing, and whistling*
Tom: Just like on the interstate. You know dying shouldn't be bad, it shouldn't be! We're all gonna do it. It's one of the few fair things in life. Everypony catches it once.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And dying should be fun, after you die you're gonna find out where you go.
Crowd: *Laughing with few claps*
Tom: Isn't that the big thing we wonder about all the time? Where the hell do you go? I don't know! Joe knows where he's going. I know Joe thinks he knows but Joe don't know. Where do we go? Nopony knows. Well sometimes I think, you know where you think you're gonna go. Whatever you think you'll do that's where you're gonna go. Chances are you'll go there if you keep thinking it. Don't you here some of them say, I'm going to hell. Don't worry about me.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Don't worry about me I'm going to hell. He is!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I think when you die your soul goes to a garage in Buffalo.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: When Regis Philbin dies he'll have four choices.
Crowd: *Laughing, clapping, and whistling*
Tom: That's the idea, you'll go wherever you wanna go.
Crowd: *Whistling*
Tom: Now nopony wants to die, and it's mostly because you don't want others going to your funeral. We've seen it, we know how bad it is. We know the funeral is no fun! If I don't like funerals for others I KNOW I'm not gonna like my own!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: There's no way I can get behind my own funeral. I'm gonna be lying there in the casket. They're gonna put me in the box. They're gonna put me in the convertible with the top down.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: You know that's embarrassing, just lying there.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And other ponies are looking at you. You're dead!
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: And you're dead. You're just lying there still, and everyone comes looking. *Makes his eyes wider while looking at the floor*
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It's embarrassing! And then sometimes they'll kneel by your casket doing the cross thing on their chest. Then they're silent for a moment. And what they're doing during that silence is, subtracting. Their age from your age.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: So they get a rough estimate on what they have left.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Then they ask don't he look good?
Tom then made a creeped out face, making the audience laugh more.
Tom: Are you crazy? HE's DEAD!!!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I know but he never looked that good.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Oh they say the nicest things about you. Your popularity goes up when you die.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: They'll say the nicest things about you, even if they're making it up.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Well he was a real asshole, but he meant well.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: The well meaning asshole.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: You get real popular when you die. All the flowers you can ever ask for. Think of the flowers you get when you die. You get more flowers during your death than you ever got in your whole life. All your flowers arrive at once, too late.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Well, Ben is dead now. Poor Ben. Pat is gone too. Poor Pat is dead too. Albert is still alive, isn't he?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I wish he would die so I could like him.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Reincarnation is another thing ponies believe in after death. Reincarnation, they're coming back. Lots of ponies are sure of it. What they come back as, no one knows. To be honest though, mathematically it doesn't seem to work. Let's say we had 6 ponies. I know it was 2, but that number is controversial.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: So we'll say, about 6 ponies. 6 souls. Those 6 ponies die, and then the 6 souls go back to the staging area.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: New ponies are born, and then the 6 souls are back, but we still only have 6 souls. Now we have 4 billion ponies, claiming to have souls.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Where are all these extra souls coming from?!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Someone is printing up souls!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And it lowers their value!
Crowd: *Clapping, and laughing*
Tom: The more souls there are, the less they're worth.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: Well somepony has to think about this stuff. That's my job, thinking about goofy shit, and informing you about what it means.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I often think of the perfect murder. You know what the perfect murder is. You pick up a pony by it's legs, and you beat another pony to death by striking him with the pony you have obtained.
Crowd: *Laughing while cheering*
Tom: And they both die, and there's no murder weapon!
Crowd: *Laughing, whistling and clapping*
Tom: What happened here Sargent? Looks like a pedestrian accident to me.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: They must have been walking at a high rate of speed.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Of course if you should be caught committing the perfect murder in progress, the police could send you....to death row. Death row. ahhhh..You got that one meal, but that doesn't really give you much, does it?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I mean what a big deal. Why don't you leave me alone? I'm not hungry man!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: They give me that last meal. You gotta have fun with it if you have the opportunity. It can be anything you want. They have to give it to you. But first you tell them. You can't decide.
Crowd: *Laughing while clapping*
Tom: Well damn! I can't decide!
Crowd: *Whistling while clapping*
Tom: I could choose a pizza, or a lobster, but I honestly can't decide. They would have to wait for you to make up your mind. They can't kill you if you can't decide.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: This could go on for 6 months. Stallion can't decide what he wants for last meal during death sentence!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: 3 years, 8 years! Then finally, tell them you've decided. I think I'll have. Pizza. Okay, what kind of toppings?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Awww... I can't decide.
Crowd: *Clapping, whistling, and cheering*
Tom: Hey my feeling is if you're gonna die, die big! Make something out of it. Nopony wants to just....pass away.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: You don't want to be a euphemism, do you? Nopony wants to pass away. You know, Arnold passed away. Oh did he? Yes. Well I didn't know that. Well that's the idea.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: On the other hand, Dan died!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Oh yes I heard about Dan dying. That's true. I say die big! Give it a shot man! Go out big! I say die big. Give 'em a show before you go!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Entertain, and inform those you leave behind. If you have the potential, make something out of it. Practice a few reflexes when you get electrocuted or run over by a truck.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Roll off the autopsy table.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Cross your legs, scratch your balls, do something!
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: Now the reason I am giving you these suggestions is because of part of the death process called. The two minute warning.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: Not many ponies are aware of this. The two minute warning, just like in football. Two minutes before you die, you receive an audible warning. Two minutes, get your shit togetha!
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: The only reason we don't know about it is because the only ponies that do know about it die.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And we probably wouldn't believe anypony if they told us anyway. You hear that one old stallion on the bus, and he says, hey! I just got my 2 minute warning.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: You'd think he was a football coach, from out of town. But know when the 2 minute warning does arrive.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I say use that time to entertain. Do something with the time to make something. If anything, give a speech. We can all make up a 2 minute speech. Pick a category you really like, and talk non-stop for 2 minutes! I mean it's your last chance to tell them!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And at the end leave a big pause and say if this is not the truth, may god strike me dead!!
Crowd: *Clapping while laughing, cheering, and whistling*
Tom: Thanks for joining me on this nice day. Have fun out there with your lake of salt.
Crowd: *Cheering, and clapping as Tom waves goodbye, and runs off the stage*
The End
SeanTheHedgehog Productions. Copyright, 2021
Robotnik: Snooping as usual I see.
