After getting the crowd to laugh from jokes about monkey pox, Tom waited a few seconds for everyone to settle down. He continued with more material.

Tom: So I offered to buy lunch for my mom a few days ago at a shopping mall, but she said no. I think she was trying to give me a taste of my own medicine, because when I was a colt, I was a fussy eater.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: He's fussy! He's a fussy eater! Fussy eater is a euphemism for biiiiiiiig pain in the ass.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I mean if I didn't like something, I told them. I didn't play with my food, I simply said I don't like that!
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: You make this? I don't like it!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Why? They wanted reasons.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Well you don't always have a reason.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I don't know. I know I don't like it. And I know if I ate it, I would like it even less.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: You like it? You eat it!
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: Then they try to corner you with logic. How do you know you won't like it? If you've never even tried.....it?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It came to me in a dream!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Biiiiig pain in the ass.
Crowd: *Clapping, and whistling*
Tom: Some things I didn't like because of the sounds of the food. To this day, I still cannot eat.....Yogurt.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Yo-yogurt. It sounds like it's coming up again.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Yogurt. Yogurt. I can't eat anything with a Y, and a G in it.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Something else that doesn't sound good. Squash!!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: YOU WANT SOME SQUASH?!?!?!?!?!?
Crowd: *Laughing and clapping*
Tom: Shit no! It sounds like someone sat on my dinner.

A few seconds of laughter occurred as Tom continued naming foods.

Tom: Succotash. Want some succotash? What you call me fucker?!? Oohlaheeoh!!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Hey, hey, cool out. It's just lima beans, and corn, cool out.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Wheatgerm. *Goes cross-eyed while making a scary face*
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: No! Get it off my plate!!
Crowd: *Laughing, and cheering*
Tom: Even something, like. Eggplant!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Well which one is it anyway?! Tell it to make up it's mind, then come back!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Terrible sounding food. Headcheese.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: UUUHHHH!! *Slowly walks to the right* UUHHHH!!!!
Crowd: *Clapping, and cheering*
Tom: UUUHHHHHH!!!!!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I can't even look at the sign!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I'll be down at the baloney. You look at it!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Between headcheese, and blood tongue, I may never eat again!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Certainly won't be at the deli. Then there are some foods that are too humorous to eat.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: Did you ever hear something too funny to eat? Guacamole!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It sounds like something you wear to a dance. May I borrow your green guacamole?
Crowd: *Laughing, and whistling*
Tom: Garbanzo. Hey you want some garbanzos?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Sounds like a circus act, fillies and gentlecolts, the garbanzos!
Crowd: *Laughing*

Clapping could also be heard, but when it settled down, Tom mentioned the next food.

Tom: And the funniest food of them all. Kumquats.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I don't even bring 'em home anymore! They just go to waste.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Some things just don't look right. I don't like that ma. Don't look right to me. Did you make that? Is there a picture of it in the cookbook?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I'll bet it don't look like that.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: Let's face it, some things don't look right! But of course some ponies will eat anything. I saw a few ponies in the army at the chow line. What's this?! Never mind! Give me a whole lot of it!!
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: That's rat's asshole Don.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Well it certainly makes a fucking good fondue!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Don't look right, I don't eat anything I don't recognize immediately. If I have to ask questions, fuck it. I'll pass.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Tomatoes don't look right either. On the outside, they're fine. Tomatoes look lovely on the outside, but when you take a look on the inside, something is wrong. Something has gone afoul inside of a tomato.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It doesn't look right! It doesn't look like it's finished for one thing.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It looks like it's in the larval stage of something.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: There's a thousand seeds and a whole bunch of jelly looking stuff! Uuuughh!!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: *Sticks his tongue out while closing his eyes* Uuuuughgh!! Ullullululuuughhh!!!!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Get it off my plate. Ullulllullugh! Squishy, it's like that stuff on the end of an egg. Bluugh!!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: UUUGHH!!!!
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: And I know it's not the end of an egg, it's the beginning of a chicken!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It's handcum! AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!
Crowd: *Laughing, cheering, and clapping*
Tom: Get it off my plate!!!

One of the crowd members can be seen laughing while clapping.

Tom: It don't look right!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Something else that doesn't look right for food. Lobsters and crabs.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I mean anything, coming at me. *Intimidates a crab while walking on his back legs*
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Walking sideways. With big pinchers. Somehow doesn't make me hungry.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: In fact my instinct is step on that fuck!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Look at the big bug, step on the big bug!!! Before he gets to the children.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: They look like they mean business. Can't order frog's legs. Can't help but wonder, what did they do to the rest of the frog?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: What do they do? Give 'em crutches, and wheelchairs?

Tom then impersonated someone in a wheelchair while the audience clapped, and laughed.

Tom: Try. Try to return them to a normal life if you can.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Trouble is the, crutches for froggies program has been. Cut in half.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: We probably also won't see them in wheelchairs anytime soon.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I'd rather eat a box of cookies. Doesn't that always come in handy? Just eat a box of goddamn cookies. You ever do that? The whole box of cookies right in a row. I don't mean take them out, I mean eat them in the kitchen. Standing right in the kitchen eating a whole box of goddamn cookies.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Just stare at the electric clock while you're eating those cookies.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: Do you ever notice on the box, it says open here?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Well what the fuck do they think you're gonna do? Move to Beijing just to open their box of cookies?!
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: Of course you're going to open them here, you're going to eat them here!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: You almost, have to open them here.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Thank god it doesn't say, open somewhere else.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Shit I'd be up all night trying to find a good location.
Crowd: *Laughing*

2 B Continued