Fast motion scene
Ralphie: *Running with Flick, and Schwartz to school*
Scut, and Grover: *ChasingRalphie, and his friends*
Randy: *Chasing Scut, and Grover* Come on you guys, wait up.
Students: *Handing in themes to Miss. Shields*
Ralphie: *Places his theme on Ms. Shields desk*
I knew I was handing Ms. Shields a masterpeice. Maybe Ms. Shields would be so thrilled with my assignment, that she would excuse me from theme writing for the rest of my life.
Ms. Shields: *Wearing red coat, with black hat that has two long black feathers on it* Look at these themes! Lousy! *Reading themes* What I want for christmas is a baseball bat. You call that a paragraph?! *Writes a big F on the theme, and reads the next one* Great amount of detail, but the margins! Margins! F!! *Writes a big F on the theme, and reads the next one* A new watch, and red pair of sneakers. *Writes a big F on the theme* If I have to give out one more- *Looking at Ralphie's theme* Well well. Ralphie Parker. Let's see what we got here. *Reading theme, and falls in love with it* Oh! The theme I've been waiting for all my life. Listen to this sentence: "A Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time". Poetry. Sheer poetry, Ralph! An A+ my good colt!
Ralphie: *Walking around room, blowing out kisses to everypony*
Ms. Shields: *Writing so many pluses for the A, that she has to write on the walls*
Flick, Schwartz, and two fillies: *Carrying Ralphie*
Students: *Continue cheering*
In the real world, outside of my fantasy.
Ms. Shields: *Staring at Ralphie* Ralph. Ralphie? Ralph!
Ralphie: *Stops fantasizing, and looks at Ms. Shields*
Ms. Shields: Is there something you want Ralph?
Ralphie: I'm just handing in my theme.
Ms. Shields: Oh.
Ms. Shields: Well you can take your seat now.
Ralphie: *Goes to his desk*
Another fast motion scene, which was just like the beginning, but now they're running in the opposite direction.
Later that night. During this scene, Joy To The World could be heard on churchbells.
Dad: *Dragging Ralphie, Randy, and Mother outside* Come on, get in the car. We gotta get a Christmas tree.
Mother: Oh, I forgot something. *Runs back in house*
Dad: Where are you going?! We're gonna miss out on all of the good trees!
Ralphie, and Randy: *Staring at Dad*
Dad: Go on, go on!
Ralphie, and Randy: *Go to car*
My mother was about to make another attack in the legendary battle of the lamp which still haunts Cleveland Street to this very day.
Mother: *Turns off lamp, and walks out of house*
Dad: What are you doing?! Ugh!
Mother: *Walks past dad* Don't wanna waste electricity.
Dad: *Looks at other lights in house, and mocks Mother* Don't wanna waste electricity.
At the christmas tree store, it was an outdoor area, located on a street that had trolleys running in the middle of the street.
Tree Pony: You want a good christmas tree? We've got lots of those.
Dad: Let's see what you got.
Tree Pony: *Shows Christmas Tree* This here is a tree. *Moves tree up, and down* You don't see any needles falling off of this here tree, oh. *Sees needles that fell off tree* Nevermind. *Throws tree away, and grabs another one* This here is a tree. This here is built to last.
Mother: It looks a little skinny in the middle there.
Tree Pony: Then just put it in the corner.
Dad: Don't you have a big tree?
Tree Pony: You're right. This ain't no tree. *Throws tree, and grabs a big one* This here is a tree. A really big one.
Mother: This isn't one of those trees where all the needles fall off. Is it?
Tree Pony: No, that's at Balsams.
My father loved to bargain. He knew the right things to say to make things cheaper for him.
Dad: You know. Zudock got one of those new green plastic trees.
Tree Pony: Oh no.
Dad: Darn thing looks like a lot of pipe cleaners taped together.
Mother: It's a really nice tree.
Tree Pony: *Points at dad* I'll throw in some rope, and tie it on your car for you.
Dad: *Smiles* You got a deal!
Tree Pony: Deal.
* * *
Dad: *Driving car*
Ralphie, Randy, and Mother: Jingle bells. Jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one human open sleigh. Jingle bells. Jingle bells. Jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one human open sleigh. *Spit with tongue out of mouth*
Dad: *Smiles, but here the car get a flat tire* Dadgummit. Blowout!
We stopped after crossing a short bridge.
Dad: *Turns on flashlight, and looks at his watch* Ah ha!
Mother: Not again.
Mr. Parker: Four minutes! Time me. *Gets out of car*
Actually the Old Stallion loved it. He had always pictured himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500. My old stallion's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber.
Mother: Why don't you go help your father?
Ralphie: Really? Can I?
Mother: Sure, but watch for traffic.
It was the first time in my entire life that I was given the choice to help my father with anything.
Dad: *Fixing tire, and sees Ralphie* What are you doing out here?
Ralphie: Well, m-mom said I should help.
Dad: Oh yeah?
Dad: Alright. I'm almost finished. Take this. *Gives Ralphie a hubcap*
Ralphie: *Holding it sideways*
Dad: No, hold it upside down.
Ralphie: What for? *Puts it upside down*
Dad: I wanna put the nuts in it. *Puts nuts in hubcap, and is close to fixing the tire* We got it! We're almost done! Now there's one more thing I need to *Accidentally hits hubcap*
Ah! For one brief second all of the nuts, and bolts were seen silhouetted against the lights, and they were gone!
Ralphie: Oooh fuuudge!
Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
Dad: *stunned* What did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um...
Dad: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car.
Ralphie: *Slowly stands up*
Dad: Go on!
It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
Ralphie: *Gets back in car*
Mother: Everything go alright?
Dad: *Puts bad tire in trunk, and checks watch* Bah! *Walks back into car*
Mother: Eight minutes.
Dad: Whatever. Do you know what your son just said?
Mother: No. What?
Dad: It was.... Ready? *Whispering to Mother*
Randy: *Leaning closer to Mother*
Mother: AHHHHHHH!!!! RALPHIE!!!
When we got back home, my mom had me sit in the bathroom with soap in my mouth.
Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand...
Mother: You ready to tell me?
Ralphie: Mh. Memememe.
Mother: *Takes soap out of Ralphie's mouth* Alright. Where did you hear that word?
Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old stallion. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind.
Mother: Oh. I see. *Puts soap back in Ralphie's mouth*
Ralphie: Nnnngh! nnnnnn!!
Mother: *Gets on the phone* Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Uh, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
Mrs. Schwartz: What?
Mother: No, he said... *whispers it close to the receiver*
Mrs. Schwartz: NO, NOT THAT!
Mother: Yes, that! Do you know where he heard it?
Mrs. Schwartz: Probably from his father.
Mother: No! He heard it from your son!
Mrs. Schwartz: WHAT! WHAT! WHAAAAAAT! *Goes to Schwartz, and starts spanking him*
Schwartz: *crying* Ah, no! What did I do, Ma? What, I didn't do nothing! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!
Mother: *Cringes as she hangs up the phone*
Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice.
Mother: *Takes soap out of Ralphie's mouth* Rinse out, and go to bed. Boy, am I glad you finished your homework, because I want you going straight to bed.
Ralphie: *Goes to his bed*
Mother: You are being punished so no comic book reading. I'm gonna come in there with thirty lights, and-
Ralphie: *Sticks tongue out at Mother*
Mother: Don't you give me that look, you're gonna get it!! *Looks at soap. She starts to wonder what it tastes like, so she puts it in her mouth. Five seconds later, she spits it out, and rinses her mouth out with water*
Ralphie: *Crying in his bed*
Three blocks away, Schwartz was getting his. There has never been a kid who didn't believe vaguely but incessantly that he would be stricken blind before he reached 21, and then they'd be sorry.
Ralphie: *Wearing sunglasses, a fedora, and trench coat. He carries a cane, as he walks onto the front porch of his house, and knocks twice on the door*
Mother: *Opens door* Why, it's Ralph.
Dad: *Happy* Come on in Ralph. Where have you been?
Ralphie: *Walks into door, and taps things with his cane*
Mother: *Shocked* Why, he's carrying in a cane.
Dad: Is he...
Randy: What?! *Runs downstairs*
Mother, and dad: *Start crying, and sit next to Ralphie*
Ralphie: *Holds a cup for spare change*
Mother: Was it something we did?!
Dad: What brought you to this lonely stage?!
Ralphie: I-I can't.
Mother: You won't tell us.
Dad: Please, no matter how much it hurts, we must know!!
Ralphie: It. It twas.
Ralphie: Soap. Poisoning.
Mother, and Dad: Ooooooh!! *Breaking down into tears, and hug Ralphie*
Ralphie: Well, I'll manage to get along. Someday.
Mother: We never should have done that to you!
Ralphie: Thanks mom.
Dad: I told you not to use Life Buoy!
The fantasy ended.
Ralphie: *Lays in bed, and smiles*
Ralphie, Flick, and Schwartz: *Running to school*
Scut, and Grover: *Chasing Ralphie, and his friends*
Randy: *Following Scut*
Students: *Putting apples on Ms. Shields' desk*
Other Students: *Clapping*
Ms. Shields: Thank you, and merry christmas.
Ralphie: *Puts fruit basket on Ms. Shield's desk*
Ms. Shields: *Surprised, she stares at Ralphie*
Ralphie: I thought you might like something different.
Yes, clearly, a little bribe never hurts.
Ms. Shields: Well.. Thank you Ralph.
Ms. Shields: Merry Christmas.
Ralphie: *Shakes head yes*
Ms. Shields: Happy new year.
Ralphie: *Shakes head yes*
Ms. Shields: Will you take your seat now?
Ralphie: *Walks to his desk, and winks at Ms. Shields*
Ralphie, Flick, and Schwartz: *Running home*
Scut, and Grover: *Chasing Ralphie, and his friends*
Randy: *Following Scut*
Ralphie: *Runs to his home*
For weeks, I have been waiting for my secret decoder pin, from Little Orphan Annie.
Ralphie: *Opens mailbox* Mr. Ralph Parker, we're pleased to give you, my decoder pin!! *Looks to the right as he hears the whistle of a railway locomotive*
Randy: *Passes Ralphie, and goes into the house*
Ralphie: Alright! *Leaves mailbox door open, and goes into the house. He reads the letter* Being known that Ralph Parker is now an official member of Annie's Secret Circle, we have given you this certificate of approval, and two discounts for ovaltine.
Signed, Pierre Andre. Honors and benefits already at the age of nine!
Ralphie: *Turns on radio*
Pirates: *Fighting each other with swords*
Come on, let's get this over with. I don't need to listen to all the jazz about smugglers, and pirates.
Pirates: *Fighting each other* Stallion overboard!!
Pierre: Listen tomorrow for the concluding event of The Black Pirate Ship. Now, the moment you've all been waiting for. It's time for Annie's Secret Message. Remember kids, only members of Annie's Secret Circle can decode this message. Annie is depending on you. Set your codes to B2. Here is the message. 12. 11.
Ralphie: *Writing down numbers*
Pierre was in great voice tonight. I could tell tonight's message was important.
Pierre: 25. 18. 17. 16. That's the message from Annie herself. Remember, don't tell anypony!
Ralphie: *Runs to bathroom, and locks door*
Finally, I had the only room to myself where a colt of nine could have his own privacy. Now to decode the secret message. Aha, B.
Ralphie: *Writes down B*
E. Things were starting out smoothly. S, and the next letter was U.
Randy: *Knocking on door* Aw come on Ralphie!
Mother: Ralphie, unlock the door, and come out!
Ralphie: Alright Ma, I'll be right out. Gee whiz. *Writes down a R, E, and a T, and O*
Be sure to. Be sure to what?! I had to find out what the message was, and fast.
Ralphie: *Continues writing letters*
Mother: Will you come out of there Ralphie?
Ralphie: Alright ma, I'll be right out!!
It was close. The fate of the planet depended on me solving this message.
Randy: *Knocking on door*
Mother: Ralphie! Randy has got to go!!
Ralphie: I'LL BE RIGHT OUT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!
The end was almost near. Yes, yes, yes.
Ralphie: *Finishes writing, and looks at secret message* Be sure to drink your ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch! *Leaves bathroom*
I went out again to face Equestria, wiser.
Ralphie: *Looks at red cabbage in pot, and sits down at table to drink milk* Red cabbage again?
Mother: I dunno, it's for tomorrow night. You love red cabbage Ralph. *Hears Dad fighting the furnace*
Dad: You filthy sicken hook-aid! Oh, smelly wok buster! Grout shell fratten house stickle fifer!
Mother: *Grabs watering can, and goes to living room*
Dad: You bladder puss nut grafter! Dorton hoper...
What happened next was a family controversy for years.
Dad: You wart mundane noodle! You shotten shifter paskabah! You snort tonguer! Lame monger snaffa shell cocker! *Hears glass breaking, and runs out of the furnace* What was that? What happened?!
Dad: *Runs into living room* What happened? What broke?
Mother: *Kneeling on floor, looking at the lamp which just broke* I don't know what happened, I was watering my plants, and I.... Broke your lamp.
Dad: *Looks around the living room for a few seconds, and then kneels in front of mother, and grabs the lamp* Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.
Mother: Jealous of a plastic...
Dad: Jealous! Jealous because I WON.
Mother: That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!
Now it was out.
Dad: *Very angry* get the glue.
Mother: We're out of glue*
Dad: GREH!! *Squeezes lamp* YOU USED UP ALL THE GLUE, ON PURPOSE!!!
The old stallion stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...
Later that night, dad tried putting the lamp back together. He heard the whistle, and chuffing of a steam locomotive, but ignored it. The lamp was more important than a train crossing our street half a mile down the road.
When my father finished, the lamp fell apart again.
Dad: *Looking at lamp*
Mother: *Covering her mouth while laughing*
Dad: *Looks at mother*
Mother: *Stops laughing*
With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old stallion gathered up the sad remains of his shattered major award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played, gently.
Ralphie: *Walking with Flick, and Schwartz to school*
Flick: You wanna know what I got my old stallion for christmas?
Flick: A flower that squirts water. If a mare goes to sniff it, they get squirted on.
Schwartz: Oh, cool. I got my father-
Scut: *Hanging upside down from monkey bars* RAAHH!!
Ralphie, Flick, and Schwartz: *Gets scared*
Gee, ordinarily when somepony wants your attention they would just say hi. It wasn't that way with Scut, and Grover.
Grover: *Points at Ralphie* Get over here!
Ralphie: Who, me?
Grover: Yeah you, get over here!
Ralphie: I can't Grover. I need to see Ms. Shields.
Schwartz: Yeah, me too. *Runs with Ralphie*
Grover: Hey come here!!
Flick: *Hears the bell ring*
Scut: You. Come here.
Flick: Who me?
Grover: Nah, you're aunt. Yeah you, get over here!!
I left Flick to certain annihilation. But BB gun mania knows no loyalty.
Flick: uncle uncle uncle uncle.
Scut: *Twists Flick's arm*
Flick: UNCLE!! UNCLE!!!
Later, he walked into the classroom with a black eye.
Ms. Shields: *Returning themes to students* I am handing all of your christmas themes to you. I'm pleased. In general, you did very well. However, I was dissapointed in some of the margins.
And now, time to see what Ms. Shields thought about my wonderful theme
Ralphie: *Opens theme, and sees that he got a C+*
C+? Oh no, it can't be!
Ms. Shields: *in Ralphie's fantasy, dressed as the Wicked Witch* C+! C+! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ralphie: *Sees a note on the theme*
Oh, no! "You'll shoot your eye out!"?
Ralphie: Oh, no!
My mother must have gotten to Ms. Shields! There could be no other explanation!
Miss Shields, Mother: *In Ralphie's fantasy, Miss Shields is dressed as the Wicked Witch and Ralphie's mother as a jester* "You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker? I was surrounded by happy ponies that were going to get what they asked for Christmas.
After school, I was still upset about the bad grade, so I went into this small yard with a few scrap cars. Then, all of a sudden...
Ralphie: *Gets hit by a snowball, and takes his glasses off to clean them*
Scut, and Grover: *Laughing*
Grover: Hey four eyes. How did you like the snowball sandwich? Maybe you'd like another one.
Scut: *Points at Ralphie* Listen jerk! When I tell you to come, you better come!
Ralphie: *About to cry*
Scut: What? Are you gonna cry now? Come on, cry baby. Cry!
With all of the taunting Scut was making towards me, I began to feel a small flame begin to grow inside of me.
Ralphie: *Gets very angry, and runs towards Scut* RAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Ralphie: *Knocks Scut down, and lays on him as he punches his face*
Then something happened. A fuse blew, and I was going out of my mind.
Grover: *Goes towards Ralphie* Hey! Hey kid!
Ralphie: *Pushes Grover, and continues punching Scut*
Grover: I'm telling my dad! *Runs away*
Colts, and Fillies: *Watching fight from behind a fence*
Randy, Flick, and Schwartz: *Running towards Ralphie*
Schwartz: Yeah Ralph!
Flick: Beat him up!
Randy: *Looks at Ralphie's glasses on the ground*
Ralphie: *Chokes Scut, and slams his head into the ground* You morten no good, thwarten snobben, flashkabab!!
Ponies: *Listening to Ralphie* Whoa. Did you hear what he said?
I have since heard of ponies under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.
Randy: *Bringing Mother towards Ralphie*
Scut: *Continues getting beat up* Mommy! Mommy!!
Flick: Ralphie, shh! Your mother is coming.
Mother: *Sees Ralphie choking Scut* Ralphie! *Goes to Ralphie, and tries to pull him off of Scut* RALPHIE!!
Ralphie: *Hits mother, and tries to get back at Scut*
Ralphie: *Stops fighting, and stares at mother*
Mother: Come on. We're going home. *Walks away with Randy, and Ralphie*
Scut: *Stands up, and sees blood coming from his nose*
Flick: Uh oh.
Scut: *Wipes blood from nose*
Ralphie: *Walks into bathroom*
Mother: *Takes Ralphie to sink* Alright. Just take it easy.
Ralphie: *Turns on faucet*
Mother: *Gets water onto washcloth* Put your face in there.
Ralphie: *Puts his head into sink, and coughs*
Mother: *Presses wet wash cloth onto Ralphie's face* Settle down. I want you to lie down on your bed, and calm down.
Ralphie: *Goes to his bed*
Mother: *Walks downstairs into kitchen, and hears Randy crying. She looks under the sink, and hears Randy hiding in the cupboard under the sink. She opens the door* Randy? What's wrong? Whatcha cryin' for?
Randy: Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!
Mother: No he's not...
Randy: Yes he is!
Mother: No, I promise, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie! Wanna come out of there?
Randy: *Shakes head no*
Mother: No? Would you like some warm milk?
Randy: *Shakes head yes*
Mother: Okay. *Gives glass of milk to Randy* I'll see you later?
Randy: Mmm hmm.
Mother: Alright. *Closes door to cupboard*
The sky began to turn dark, and I heard my father pull into the driveway with his car. He would hear the things I said. The dirty, awful things!
Dad: *Staring at dogs* Git! Get outta here! Hey Bumpus, your dogs ran away again!! *Walks into house* Hey. What's for dinner? I'm starving.
Ralphie: *Goes downstairs*
Mother: *Opens cupboard door*
Randy: *Comes out of cupboard*
Dad: *Doesn't notice Randy, and sits down at dinner table with newspaper*
Dad: Well. What happened today? *Sees that Ralphie is not wearing his glasses* Where's your glasses? Did you lose your glasses again?
Mother: Oh, *Gives Ralphie his glasses* You left these on the radio again. Now try not to do that.
Dad: So what else happened today?
Mother: Oh, nothing much. Ralphie had a fight.
Dad: A fight? What kind of a fight? *Looks at Ralphie*
Mother: Oh, you know how colts are. I gave him a talking to... *Looks at the newspaper* Uh I see that the Bears are playing Green Bay on Sunday.
Dad: What? Oh yeah! Zudock's got tickets I wish I had. Aw well, let him freeze his keister off out there.
I slowly began to realize I was not going to be destroyed! From now on, things were different between me, and my mom.
Dad: *Continues reading newspaper* Chicagoat Bears. Terror of the midwest! They might as well change their names. Chicagoat Chipmunks, now baby that's something.
This is the part where Aquamarine's characters make their appearance
Ralphie: *In bed. He wakes up to the whistle of a train, and remembers something*
Randy: *Sleeping in bed*
Strange. Even something as momentous as the Scut Farkus affair, which it came to be known, was pushed out of my mind as I struggled to come up with a way out of the impenetrable BB gun web, in which my mother had me trapped.
Ralphie: Santa. Yeah, I'll ask Santa.
Of course. Santa. The big stallion. The head honcho. The connection. Ha, my mother had slipped up this time.
Christmas Eve, we were in downtown, watching the parade by Higbee's Toystore.
Marching Band: *Playing Oh Christmas Tree*
Ralphie: *Getting impatient* Mom, if we stay here any longer we won't be able to see Santa.
Mother: Don't worry Ralph, Santa's not going anywhere.
Carollers: *Singing Deck The Halls on a wagon being pulled by humans*
Marching Band: *Playing Jingle Bells*
Randy: *Sees a pony dressed as Mickey Mouse* Mickey, Mickey!
Mickey Mouse: *Running in parade*
Wizard Of Oz Characters: *Chasing Mickey*
Monkeys: *Pretending to attack Mickey, then run away*
Mickey Mouse: *Embarrassed*
Ralphie: Mom, this is just the same dumb old parade as last year.
Mother: Ralphie, will you please calm down?
Dad: SHUT UP, Ralphie!
Acrobats: *Doing cart wheels*
Pony: *Driving a tractor with Santa Claus on a trailer*
Randy: Santa! Santa!
Ralphie: Can we go now? Can we?
Mother: Yes, let's go.
In the store, Blue Fedora is dressed as Santa. Double Scoop, and Aqua Marine are dressed as elves.
Blue Fedora: Ho, ho, ho!!
Double Scoop: *Sends filly down a slide*
Ralphie: Come on Randy! *Walks towards line*
Mother: See Ralph? The line's not that long. Get in there, and we'll come back to meet you.
Parents: *Walk away*
Ralphie: *Gets in line with Randy*
Tom Foolery: Young stallion. Hey, kid! Just where do you think you're going?
Ralphie: Going up to see Santa.
Tom Foolery: The line ENDS here. It begins THERE. *Points to the very end of a very long line*
Ralphie: Oh no. Come on Randy. *Goes to the end of the line*
The line waiting to see Santa Claus stretched all the way back to Terre Haute, and I was at the end of it.
Weird Pony: *Wearing Pilot's helmet with goggles* I like Santa.
Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.
Witch: *Walking towards everypony in line for Santa* Hello everyone. *Goes to Ralphie* I'll get you my pretty.
Ralphie: Don't bother me. I'm thinking.
Witch: *Shrugs, and walks away*
Weird Pony: I like The Wizard of Oz.
Weird Pony: I like the Tin Man.
Gradually, we got closer to Santa.
Aqua Marine: Come on kid! *Pulls colt to Blue Fedora*
Blue Fedora: If Higbee thinks I'm working one minute past 9:00, he can kiss my hooves. Ho ho ho.
Ralphie: *Hears announcer on speaker*
Announcer: Attention shoppers, the store will close at 9 PM, in five minutes.
Great Scot, the store was about to close.
Blue Fedora: And what do you want for Christmas, Billy? A toy truck? Get him off my lap
Double Scoop: *Takes Billy off of Blue Fedora's lap, and pushes him down a slide*
Blue Fedora: Oh, I hate the smell of tapioca.
Aqua Marine: *Pulls Weird Pony to Blue Fedora* Come on!
Blue Fedora: HO, HO, HO!!
Double Scoop: *Puts weird pony on Blue Fedora*
Blue Fedora: HO, HO, HO!
Weird Pony: *Gets scared, and screams*
Double Scoop: *Takes weird pony off of Blue Fedora, and pushes him down slide*
Aqua Marine: Come on!! *Pulls Randy to Blue Fedora* Quit dragging your hooves!
Blue Fedora: HO, HO, HO!!
Double Scoop: *Puts Randy on Blue Fedora*
Blue Fedora: HO, HO, HO!
Randy: *Gets scared, and screams*
Blue Fedora: Ah, uh oh.
Double Scoop: *Takes Randy off of Blue Fedora, and pushes him down slide*
Aqua Marine: Come on kid! *Pulls Ralphie to Blue Fedora*
Blue Fedora: HO, HO, HO!!
Aqua Marine: COME ON!
Santa Claus: HO! HO HO! *spins Ralphie around* HOOOO... HOOO... HOO... And what's your name little colt?
Double Scoop: Hey, kid! Hurry up! The store is closing
Aqua Marine: Listen little colt, we have A LOT of ponies waiting here, so GET GOING!
Blue Fedora: What do you want for christmas little colt?
Oh no, I forgot what I was going to say! I came all this way prepared with what I wanted to tell Santa, and I was blowing it!!
Double Scoop: Come on kid.
Blue Fedora: How about a nice football?
Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out 'football'.
Blue Fedora: Okay, get him out of here.
Double Scoop: *Gets Ralphie to the slide*
A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: *Gets shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up* No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Blue Fedora: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
Ralphie: *His mouth hangs open when a trombone is heard in a song*
Blue Fedora: Merry Christmas. *Uses his back leg to push Ralphie down the slide* Ho, ho, ho.
Ralphie: *Goes down slide* NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Sees Randy next to him*
Mother: *Skipping with Dad, and Wizard of Oz ponies*
Dad: We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of ass. Well, thanks everypony, but I have to go now. I'll see you in Oz folks. *Sees Ralphie, and Randy* Well.
Randy, and Ralphie: *Stand up*
Dad: Did you get to see Santa?
Dad: Did you tell him what you wanted for Christmas?
Dad: Did he ask if you were good?
Dad: Don't worry. He knows. *Walks with his family* He always knows.
Blue Fedora: Okay Chris, down you go!
Double Scoop: *Pushes colt down a slide*
Blue Fedora: Ho, ho, ho!!!!!
After seeing Santa, we put our Christmas tree up.
Dad: *On stepladder putting on ornaments*
Mother: This looks wonderful.
Dad: Thanks. *Looks at christmas lights* Wait a minute. The blue lights are out.
Mother: The blue lights are fine. It's red that's out.
Dad: Baah, I'm not colorblind.
Mother: I'm not colorblind either.
Dad: *Fixes the green lights* Ah. See, I told you it was green. *Sees all of the lights in the house turn off*
Dad: HOLD IT!! Don't anypony move!! A fuse it out!
The old stallion could replace fuses quicker then a jackrabbit on a date. He bought 'em at the groce'.
Dad: *Replaces fuse, and sees all of the lights turn back on* Ah, there we go. *Sees star on Christmas tree* That star is crooked.
Mother: That star is perfectly fine.
Dad: No no, don't worry I'll fix it. *Goes up stepladder, and moves star*
Dad: *Makes star crooked* There we go.
Mother: *Looks at watch* Oh my, will you look at the time?
Dad: I thought I heard Santa's sleigh bells ringing.
Mother: Alright kids, up to bed.
Dad: Up up up. Up, and at 'em.
Randy, and Ralphie: *Quickly running to bed, and wrestle with each other up the stairs to try, and get in front*
Dad: ah. What do you say we snuggle?
Next morning, I saw something white outside. I couldn't see what it was, because I was in bed without my glasses, but I had a hunch I knew what it was.
Ralphie: *Wakes up, and puts on his glasses, then looks out a window* Wow.
Snow was everywhere. With the exception of a few icycles, it was beautiful. There had to be at least ten inches of snow out there.
Ralphie: Randy. Wake up Randy!
We both ran downstairs, and heard Jingle Bells on the radio, by Bing Crosby, and the Andrew Sisters, then saw a massive ammount of presents. Christmas had come, officially.
Randy: Wow! *Runs to presents, and looks at one* What's in here?! *Sees toy firetruck with a bow on it* Firetruck.
Ralphie: *Looks around Christmas tree*
Randy: *Playing with firetruck*
Ralphie: *Pushes firetruck*
Randy: Hey!! *Continues playing with firetruck*
Dad, and Mother: *Walk downstairs*
Dad: Merry Christmas.
Mother: Now you two, wait for Christmas to start. Who's gonna play as Santa?
Dad: Randy played as him last year. Ralphie, you be Santa.
Ralphie: Well, who should I start with?
Mother: Give Randy a present. Ralphie, I see a present sent to you by Aunt Clara, she always sends you the most wonderful gifts.
Randy: *Opening presents*
Ralphie: *Opening presents*
We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.
Dad: Didn't I get a tie this year?
Ralphie, and Randy: *Get clothing, and look at each other while throwing it away*
Dad: *Opens gift* Ah. A can of Simoniz!
Ralphie: *Opens gift from Aunt Clara*
Randy: *Opens another gift* Wow, woopee!! A Zeppelin!
Mother: Oh, that's the gift Aunt Clara gave you!
Ralphie: *Staring at bunny suit*
Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a filly.
Mother: She always sends you the greatest presents. Go ahead, and try it on.
Ralphie: I don't want to!
Mother: Go upstairs right now, and put it on! She went through all that trouble to make it for you.
Ralphie: *Goes upstairs with bunny suit*
Mother: While Ralphie is putting on his suit, I'll be Santa. This is for daddy. *Picks up a gift-wrapped bowling ball and drops it in Dad's lap* Here, from me to you.
Dad: [high-pitched] Thanks a lot! *Opens giftwrap, and sees bowling ball* Oh, it's a blue ball.
Randy: *Playing with zeppelin*
Dad: A blue bowling ball. Thank you honey, thank you.
Mother: Ralphie, come down here this minute.
Ralphie: *Comes downstairs wearing the bunny suit*
Immediately, my hooves began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with a blue button eye stared sappily up at me.
Mother: Come down so I can see you better.
I just hope Flick would never spot them as a word of this humiliation could make easier in life at Warren G. Harding School a variatable Hell.
Ralphie: Shut up Randy.
Dad: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
Mother: He does not!
Dad: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare! Are you happy wearing that?
Ralphie: *Shakes head no*
Dad: Do you wanna take it off?
Ralphie: *Shakes head yes*
Mother: Alright, but only wear it when Aunt Clara comes to visit.
Ralphie: *Runs upstairs*
Dad: Take it off!
* * *
Randy: *Laying on floor with his zeppelin, surrounded by gift wrap*
Dad: *On couch with Ralphie, and Mother* My god. Will you look at that mess?
Dad: Who's gonna clean it up?
Ralphie: Not me.
Dad: Randy did it last year.
Ralphie: Well he can do it again.
Dad: *Drinking glass of wine* This wine ain't bad. It's not good either. You want some?
Mother: No you don't. Did you have a nice Christmas?
Dad: Did you get everything you wanted?
Dad: Don't worry. There's always next Christmas. *Squints* Say. What's that behind the desk?
Ralphie: *Gets excited*
Dad: Why don't you go take a look?
Ralphie: *Walks to desk slowly, and finds another present*
Mother: *Staring at Dad*
Dad: Santa must've brought it to him.
Ralphie: *Opens present, and finds the official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle inside a box* Wow.
Dad: Go ahead. Open it.
Ralphie: *Opens box, and slowly takes out the gun*
Dad: Do you know how to load it?
Ralphie: *Finds small bottle of bullets, and opens cap on gun*
Dad: Be careful pouring the bullets in. They go all over.
Ralphie: *Slowly pours bullets into gun*
Dad: Close it up.
Ralphie: *Closes bottle, and closes cap on gun* Can I try it out Ma? Can I?
Mother: Alright, in the backyard. *Breathes out* I still say those things are dangerous.
Ralphie: *Runs into another room to put on boots*
Mother: Don't forget your coat, hat and galoshes. *Glares at Dad*
Dad: I had one when I was eight years old.
Mother: What if he hurts himself?
Ralphie: *Runs past*
Mother: Ralphie, your coat!!
Ralphie: *Runs through kitchen, and outside the house*
Mother: Don't shoot any animals!
Dad: Except the Bumpuses dogs!
Mother: *Puts turkey food on table*
Now it's a well known fact that my old stallion was a turkey addict, but this year, my mother was determined to prevent him from having any of it, until it was prepared properly.
Ralphie: *Holding gun* Okay Black Bart. Now you get yours. *Aiming gun at target which was set up on the box that his gun was in. He shoots one bullet, and it hits the target, and bounces off the box, hitting his face*
Oh my god, I shot my eye out!!
Ralphie: *Having voices echo through his head*
Blue Fedora: *As Santa Claus* You'll shoot your eye out kid.
Miss Shields, Mother: [in Ralphie's fantasy, Miss Shields is dressed as the Wicked Witch and Ralphie's mother as a jester, both chanting] You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out!
Blue Fedora: Ho ho ho!
Mother: *In Kitchen* Ralphie you be careful out there, don't shoot your eye out!
She hasn't noticed. My eye seems okay, the bullet must've hit my glasses.
Ralphie: *Finds out he is not wearing his glasses*
My glasses! Oh no, where are my glasses?! Nothing was more embarrassing than being a young colt with a pair of busted glasses.
Dad: *Tries to take a peice of turkey*
Mother: *Appears from furnace room* STOP!
Dad: *Runs away*
Ralphie: *Slowly walks around backyard looking for glasses. He hears a crunching sound, and lifts up his right front hoof, seeing his glasses are broken* Oh no.
Oh no. Pulvarised.
Ralphie: oh no!
At first, I thought I'd fake it. They'll never know. Then, I thought of how it happened. Uuuh, yeah! An Icycle. Comes crashing down from the garage, and hits my glasses. Quickly, I swept up some tears.
Mother: *Hears Ralphie crying* Ralphie?
Ralphie: *Fake crying*
Mother: *Comes outside* Ralphie? *Sees that he is crying, and gasps* What happened?
Ralphie: There was this icycle, and it broke my glasses.
Mother: Okay, let's get you upstairs. *Walks into house with Ralphie*
Dad: *Sees Mother, and Ralphie* What's going on?
Mother: Nothing. Everything's fine. Just read your funnies. *Goes upstairs with Ralphie*
Dad: *Looks at newspaper* Randy? Wake up Randy.
Randy: *Still sleeping with Zeppelin*
Ralphie: *Walks into bathroom with Mother* It was moving really fast! I tried to get out of the way, but it broke my glasses.
Mother: *Looks at Ralphie's face* Oh see? It's just a little bump. Ralphie, you're lucky it didn't cut your eye! Those icicles have been known to kill ponies.
Dad: *Walks to turkey in kitchen, and hears Ralphie crying* What's going on?!
Mother: Nothing, I got it under control.
Dad: *Tries to cut off a peice of the turkey*
Mother: You stay away from that turkey! It isn't ready yet, you'll get worms.
Dad: *Cuts off a peice of turkey anyway*
Ralphie: What about my glasses?
Mother: You can wear the old ones with the crack in them, until we get you some new ones.
Ralphie: *Smiles at the reader*
I have pulled it off.
Ralphie: *Looks back at Mother, and continues pretending to be sad* But I left my gun outside.
Mother: You can get dressed, and when you go back outside, get your gun.
Dad: *Sits at his couch with newspaper*
Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at it's zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters decend upon us.
Dogs: *Walking through house*
Dad: *Doesn't notice the dogs, and continues reading newspaper*
More Dogs: *Walking past Dad*
Dad: *Puts away newspaper* hey!
Dogs: *Grab turkey, and fight over it*
Other Dogs: *Break table*
Mother: *Hearing dogs*
Ralphie: Let's go downstairs.
Dad: *Sees dogs fighting over turkey, and breaking the door off of it's hinges* no.
Dogs: *Running away*
Dad: *Leans outside, and is very infuriated* You- SONS OF BITCHES!!! BUMPUSES!!!!!!!! *Goes back into house*
Dad: *Examining damage*
The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!
Mother: *Continues crying*
Ralphie: *Gives mother a hankerchief*
Dad: Alright. Everypony upstairs, get dressed. We are going out to eat.
Indeed we did, at a Chinese restaurant.
Waiters: Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra. Tis the season to be jorry-
Owner: Stop stop stop stop stop. No, no, not 'ra ra ra ra', 'la la la la'! Deck the halls with bells of holly, fa la la la la, la la la la. Try again.
Waiters: Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.
Owner: Stop stop stop. No, no! Sing something else.
Waiters: *Discussing their next song, and begin to sing* Jingre bers, jingre bers, jingre arr the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-human open sreigh!
Owner: Stop stop stop stop. Kitchen, bring food.
Waiters: *Go to kitchen*
Mother: *Still crying about the turkey*
Waiters: *Arrive with turkey*
Ralphie: It's hear.
Waiters: *Put turkey on table*
Owner: Is there something wrong?
Dad: Well, there is one thing.
Dad: It looks great. It's a beautiful duck, but there's one problem.
Dad: It's happy.
Mother: Like a-
Dad: Smiling happy!
Owner: Oh. *Cuts head off*
Mother: AHH! *Starts to laugh* I'm sorry.
Owner: It's alright. Enjoy your turkey.
Dad, Ralphie, Randy, and Mother: Yay!!
That Christmas would last in our memories forever. The very first one where we had Chinese turkey.
That night, at the house, during a snowstorm.
Dad: *Walks downstairs, and hears Silent Night on the radio. The only lights on at the house are the lights on the Christmas tree*
Mother: Come sit here.
Dad: *Sits with Mother in front of front window*
Mother: Oooh, isn't that beautiful?
Dad: Certainly. It's wonderful.
Randy: *Sleeping in bed with his Zeppelin*
Ralphie: *Sleeping in bed with his BB gun*
Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.
I hope you enjoyed this fanfic, because I worked my ass off to write it.
Special Thanks to the following
Aqua Marine: She allowed me to use a few of her characters for this story.
Izfankirby: Being in my roleplays
Dragonaura15: I created a club for her, and she really likes it.
Canada24, and Alinah09: The newest members of my own club
Jade_23, and NocturnalMirage: My best friends on fanpop
And of course, everyone that becomes a fan of this article, and posts a comment saying how awesome this is.