I don't know what to do?

Hello everyone, so I've been on fanpop a few times before, for years I've believed in peter pan. I have tried everything and kind of accepted that he won't come for me because of that fact that I am too grownup/struggling with mental illness/not worth it.
I'm 18, and every time I try to forget about him, I end up having dreams. I've had at least 2 dreams this week about never land and peter pan. Sometimes I wonder if I've been there before and I'm forgetting the fact that I have.
I don't know what to do.
I don't even know what answers I'm searching for, just that I don't know why out of the years I've been believing in him, he wouldn't have come.
Thankyou.