1x01 Pilot:

"So you're quitting to join Homo Explosion?"

"Dude! Chicks don't have prostates. I looked it up!"

"He's already in a wheelchair."

"Look. If I joined the flag team, you'd beat the crap out of me!"

1x03 Acafellas:

"Yeah...I'm kinda Rock'n'Roll"

1x04 Preggers:

"Sup, MILF?"

"Well, call the Vatican! We got ourselves another immaculate conception!"

"Hey ankle grabber...I had sex with your mother, no seriously....I cleaned your pool, and then I had sex with her in your bed. Oh, and nice Star Wars sheets."

1x05 The Rhodes not taken:

"The wheelchair kid's right. That Rachel chick makes me...