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Joke contest.

Now the rules are simple, you can post pictures and vicdeos, but you MUST have a joke. I'll rate it from 1-10. a 5+ and you get props, a total 10-10 and you get one prop in each catacgory (images, comments, etc.)

You can post any joke. The images and videos will be included, if I have yet to rate yours after tomorrow, shoot me a mail and i'll see to it that it gets rated and what not.

Main thing is just to have fun :)
(everyone gets a prop for participation in this :) )

here is my own joke:
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get
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Sorry, it got cut off, the last one was suppose to say " You're a lawyer. This time Iknow I'm gonna get screwed!"
PreBanned posted over a year ago
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I'll NEVER beat that one!!! BTW, I'm a psychologist and my girlfriend will tell I do WAY MORE than just 'talk about it'!
truespock posted over a year ago
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hello
lano500 posted over a year ago
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haha
PreBanned posted over a year ago
 PreBanned posted over a year ago
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Random Answers

Kanji said:
One night a beautiful female vampire rushed into a crypt, her lovely face all covered in blood and flung herself into her coffin and slammed down the lid with a snarl of rage. Pretty soon all the other vampires smelt the blood and began hassling her about where she'd got it. She told them to piss off and let her get some sleep, but they persisted until she finally gave in. "OK, follow me, she said, and spreading out her cloak, flew out of the crypt with dozen other vampires behind her.

Down through a valley they swept, across a river and into a huge city. Finally she slowed down and the other vampires milled excitedly around her, their tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that massive, great lamppost over there? " she asked.

"YES, YES,YES!!!!" the bloodsuckers all screamed in a feeding frenzy.

"Good!" said the first vampire, "Because I fucking didn't!

 select as best answer
One night a beautiful female vampire rushed into a crypt, her lovely face all covered in blood and flung herself into her coffin and slammed down the lid with a snarl of rage. Pretty soon all the other vampires smelt the blood and began hassling her about where she'd got it. She told them to piss off and let her get some sleep, but they persisted until she finally gave in. "OK, follow me, she said, and spreading out her cloak, flew out of the crypt with dozen other vampires behind her. Down through a valley they swept, across a river and into a huge city. Finally she slowed down and the other vampires milled excitedly around her, their tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that massive, great lamppost over there? " she asked. "YES, YES,YES!!!!" the bloodsuckers all screamed in a feeding frenzy. "Good!" said the first vampire, "Because I fucking didn't!
posted over a year ago 
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5/10, not to bad,prettyy frun really :P
PreBanned posted over a year ago
energizerbunny said:
Here's mine

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.

2nd woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, then down into the basement. Then, I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer — We’d both still be alive!

 select as best answer
posted over a year ago 
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oh snap! lol
Twilight_Dream posted over a year ago
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HAHA!!!!!!! XD 9/10!! Love it :D
PreBanned posted over a year ago
Hiding 2 comments... click to show.
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LOL! xDDDDDDDDD!!!
snapeislove posted over a year ago
Twilight_Dream said:
A French doctor says ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’ A German doctor says ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks. The Russian doctor says ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’ An American doctor, not to be outdone, says ‘You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.’
 select as best answer
A French doctor says ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’ A German doctor says ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks. The Russian doctor says ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’ An American doctor, not to be outdone, says ‘You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.’
posted over a year ago 
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HAHA!!! NICEE!!!! 9/10!! I love it XD
PreBanned posted over a year ago
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*best answer*
Snugglebum posted over a year ago
Blueeyes99 said:
Hopefully I can tell this joke correctly:

A man, as drunk as a skunk, falls asleep on a beach. He awakens in the morning to see all these people being dunked into the water. He walks over and a man says to him “have you found Jesus” the guy, still drunk, says “no” the other guys says, “would you like too?” the drunk guy says “sure”

The guy takes the drunk guy over to the water and dunks him under, “have you found Jesus?” he asks, the drunk guy says “no” he dunks him under again, “have you found Jesus?” the drunk guy says “no”. This time he holds him under a little longer, then brings him back up and says “have you found Jesus?” the drunk guy, “No, are you sure this is where he fell in”

 select as best answer
posted over a year ago 
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:/
Twilight_Dream posted over a year ago
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uhm, I think ill give it a.... Probably a 3. I didn't reallt get it, but I love how drunk people always try to find Jesus...
PreBanned posted over a year ago
lano500 said:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!
Why did the children cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
 select as best answer
posted over a year ago 
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4/10, SOmewhat funny :P XD
PreBanned posted over a year ago
Snugglebum said:
Rules Of Washington

If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.

An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Chicken little only has to be right once.

"NO" is only an interim response.

You can't kill a bad idea.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

The truth is a variable.

A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.

You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.

A promise is not a guarantee.

If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

 select as best answer
Rules Of Washington If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for. Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily. There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on. An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. Chicken little only has to be right once. "NO" is only an interim response. You can't kill a bad idea. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried. The truth is a variable. A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent. You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way. A promise is not a guarantee. If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.
posted over a year ago 
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hahahahh!!!!!! Nice, i like the "Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily." one XD
PreBanned posted over a year ago
JJHitoya said:
Theres one Motavational poster that said
"Have you ever spyed on a girl that was acuelly a boy? Isnt that right haku!"
Because Haku is a dude that looks alot like a girl so... people mistake him as a girl... lol i guess...
 select as best answer
posted over a year ago 
Book_freak said:
A new guy walks into town and sees a sign in the window of the pub 'FREE BEER! FREE BEER TO ANYONE WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!' So the guy enters the bar and asks what the test is.
The Bartender replies, "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out the back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third there's a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm, you've gotta make things right for her.
The guy says, "Well, much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and it just gets crazier from there."
But as time goes on and the guy drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He gras the gallon with both hands and downs it in one big slirp with tears running down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he said, "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

And another favorite;

The kindergarden class had a homework assignment to find something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The teacher was reluctant to call upon little Wally, as sometimes he could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Wally walked up to the black board and made a small white dot on the board with the chalk, then sat back down. The teacher couldn't figure out what Wally had in mind for his report, so she asked him what it was.
"It's a period" said Wally.
"Well I can see that," said the teacher, "But what's so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," replied Wally, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
 select as best answer
posted over a year ago 
Free_Spirit said:
1# A blonde is driving on the highway, and a guy driving behind he gets angry when she keeps cutting him off. Angry, he pulls infront of her forcing her to stop, and grabs her out of the vehicle. He draws a circle and tells her to stay in it. He turns around and starts smashing her windows. Suddenly he hears giggling and turns around to look at the blonde. Enraged he turns around and rips the seat covers with a kniife, when he hears the blonde giggling again. He turns around and screams, Why are you laughing?
Laughing she says, everytime you turned around, i stood outside the circle! LOL

2)A blonde has recently died her hair red and decides to drive through the country. She passes a farm and see's a farmer with all of his sheep. She pulls over and ask's the farmer, if she can guess how many sheep he has can she take on.
The farmer, being a gambler agree. She decided on the number 112. Amazeed the farmer tells her she is right. Happy the blonde picks one up and puts it in her car.
The farmer walks over to her window and says if i can guess your real hair colour can i have my dog back?
 select as best answer
posted over a year ago 
BeB said:
Too Much Of This In My Country!

There are 4 guys on a boat. One white, one mexican, one asian, and one indian. Their boat started sinking from too much cargo. So they decided to threw out the things that they didn't need. The indian man thew out some curry and said "I have too much of this in my country."

The asian man threw out some rice and said "I have too much of this in my country." The mexican man threw out some beans and said "I have too much of this in my country." Then the white guy took the mexican and threw him off the boat and said "I have too much of this in my country."

Theeee END! (No offense to mexicans!!!)
 select as best answer
Too Much Of This In My Country! There are 4 guys on a boat. One white, one mexican, one asian, and one indian. Their boat started sinking from too much cargo. So they decided to threw out the things that they didn't need. The indian man thew out some curry and said "I have too much of this in my country." The asian man threw out some rice and said "I have too much of this in my country." The mexican man threw out some beans and said "I have too much of this in my country." Then the white guy took the mexican and threw him off the boat and said "I have too much of this in my country." Theeee END! (No offense to mexicans!!!)
posted over a year ago 
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The comic has absoutly NOTHING to do with my joke I jsut found it and liked it and decided to share it with you awesome weirdos! XD
BeB posted over a year ago
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