Hey you! Yeah, you! Read me!!

Well why the hell not?

Things you do NOT wanna hear during sugery:

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

4. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

6. Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

9. Darn, there go the lights again...

10. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

12. Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..

13. What's this doing here?

14. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..

15. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

16. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

17. Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

18. Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

19. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

20. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

21. OK, now take a picture from this angle.

22. This is truly a freak of nature.

23. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

24. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

25. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

26. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

27. She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

28. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

29. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!


You better laugh. That took me forever to do.

If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

Penis.

Two cannibals are crouching down by the body of a clown. The first cannibal looks at the second and asks...
" Does this taste funny to you? "

how about a funny video instead? i don't really know any good jokes, sorry. :(

...I don't tell jokes...I'm not a joke person. I'm more of a come up with something snappy to comment or answer with kind of person.

Oh yeah. I read you, babe. Like a book.


...
Does that count as a joke?

What did the blonde name her zebra? Spot!

Yo mama so ugly her gramma threw her out on the streets and got charged for littering

Okay.

Anna: What does IDK mean?
Anne: I don't know.
Anna: *walks to Andy* What does IDK mean?
Andy: I don't know.
Anna: *walks to AJ* What does IDK mean?
AJ: I don't know.
Anna: NO ONE KNOWS!!

k so i walked into a bar. i wasn't wearing my glasses. ouch.

If a tree falls on top of a hipster in a forest, does it make a sound?

Here is one of my favorite dirty jokes:

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

All my jokes are anti-jokes.

Why did Susie fall off the swing?
She had no arms.

How do you make a janitor cry?
You kill his family.

What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red Paint.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

What's worse than biting into your apple and finding a worm?
Being raped by a giant scorpion.

What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Yeah, all I have are anti-jokes and dead baby jokes.