[Waiting outside Knives' school.]
Wallace Wells: I do not want to be here at all.
Scott Pilgrim: This school has boys too.
Wallace Wells: [rolls eyes] Hate you. Even I would think twice about dating a seventeen year-old.
Scott Pilgrim: Well, she's only allowed out when the sun is up, so I wouldn't call it dating. It's more like...
Wallace Wells: Playtime?
Scott Pilgrim: That doesn't sound so good either.
Wallace Wells: No.
Knives Chau: Scott!
[Knives runs up to them both.]
Scott Pilgrim: Hey, Knives, this is Wallace Wells, my cool, gay roommate. He's gay.
Knives Chau: Hi. Do you want to know who in my class is gay?
Wallace Wells: Yes. Does he wear glasses?
Scott Pilgrim: Wallace, you go now. Begone.
Wallace Wells: [seizing Knives by the hands, intensely.] You're too good for him. Run. [walks away.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scott Pilgrim: Wallace!
[Wallace, wakes up hungover, still wearing his clothes from the previous night.]
Scott Pilgrim: Amazon.Ca, what's the website for that?
Wallace Wells: "Amazon.Ca".
Scott Pilgrim: I have to order something really cool.
AOL Voice: You've got mail.
Scott Pilgrim: Dude, this thing claims I have mail.
Wallace Wells: [struggling with his coat.] It's amazing what we can do with computers these days.
Scott Pilgrim: Dude, now I'm reading it.
Wallace Wells: So happy for you.
Scott Pilgrim: [reading.] Dear Mr. Pilgrim, it has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Matthew Patel, and... Blah, blah, blah...Fair warning... Mano y mano... Seven evil... Blah, blah. This is... [disturbed.] This is... This is...
Wallace Wells: [yanks off sweater.] What??
Scott Pilgrim: This is boring. Dele-ete. [deletes the email.]
[Wallace notices Scott is now sat watching the front door intently.]
Wallace Wells: [incredulous.] Scott, are you waiting for the package you just ordered?
Scott Pilgrim: Maybe.
Wallace Wells: It's the weekend. It won't ship until Monday at the earliest.
[Doorbell rings.]
Scott Pilgrim: [jumps up.] You were saying?
[Scott opens the door and is immediately pounced on by Knives.]
Knives Chau: Attack hug!!
Scott Pilgrim: [barely concealed disappointment.] Attack hug. Yeah, that's so cute, so cute...
Knives Chau: [innocent.] You remember, you were supposed to meet me at the bus-stop a half hour ago?
Scott Pilgrim: How could I possibly forget?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ramona arrives at the Rockit for the Battle of the Bands.]
Scott Pilgrim: [excited.] Hey! You totally came.
Ramona V. Flowers: [deadpan.] Yes. I did totally come.
[Awkward pause. Scott stands there, grinning, Ramona seems unsure what to say.]
Stacy Pilgrim: [clears throat.] Please excuse my brother, he is chronically enfeebled. I'm Stacy. This is Wallace, his roommate.
Wallace Wells: [waves.] Hey.
Stacy Pilgrim: This is my boyfriend Jimmy.
Wallace Wells: [to Jimmy, suddenly attentive.] Hey.
Stacy Pilgrim: [fake surprise.] Oh, and this is Knives!
Knives Chau: Hey!
Scott Pilgrim: [off guard.] Hey...!
[Knives attack hugs Scott and kisses him on the cheek. Ramona looks on, incredulous.]
Knives Chau: [indicating her hair and outfit.] So, do you like?
Scott Pilgrim: I... I, uh... [looks nervously at Ramona, then back at Knives.]
[Knives looks suspiciously at Ramona, Stacy (realizing who Ramona is) looks questioningly at Scott, Wallace looks flirtatiously at Jimmy; everyone looks expectantly at Scott.]
Scott Pilgrim: ...have to... go. [dashes off backstage.]
...
[As Crash and the Boys set-up.]
Wallace Wells: Hey, Jimmy. Do they rock or suck?
Jimmy: They... have not started playing yet.
Wallace Wells: [pats his arm.] That was a test, Jimmy. And you passed.
Jimmy: [nervous.] Okay.
Luke "Crash" Wilson: Good evening. My name's Crash, these are the Boys.
Wallace Wells: [heckling.] Is that girl a boy, too?
Luke "Crash" Wilson: Yes. [Trasha gives Wallace the finger.]
Kim Pine: [offstage.] They have a girl drummer??
Luke "Crash" Wilson: This song is called "I Am So Sad, I Am So Very, Very Sad". It goes a little something like this.
[Trasha counts in on the drums, and Crash and Joel play two chords...]
Luke "Crash" Wilson: SO SAD!!... [Song ends] Thank you.
Wallace Wells: [heckling.] It's not a race, guys!
Luke "Crash" Wilson: All right, this next song goes out to the guy who keeps yelling from the balcony. [Wallace points at himself, mock questioningly.] It's called "We Hate You, Please Die."
Wallace Wells: Sweet! [to Jimmy.] Love this one.
[Crash and Joel begin playing chords, with Trasha counting in on the drums. Trasha bangs the cymbals four times, then stops; Joel begins playing a riff on his bass.]
Luke "Crash" Wilson: [singing.] I can hear ya, I can feel ya...
Stephen Stills: [offstage, to the band.] HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THIS? WE'RE NOT GOING TO WIN, WE'RE NOT GOING TO SIGN WITH G-MAN, WE'LL NEVER PLAY OPENING NIGHT AT THE CHAOS THEATRE. [turns to Scott.] GOD DAMMIT, SCOTT, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP JUST STANDING THERE, YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT!!!
Lucas "Crash" Wilson: [final notes.] Lonely like you... [song ends.] Thank you.
[Scattered applause from the audience.]
Stacey Pilgrim: [pokes Ramona's shoulder, Ramona turns to her.] So, how do you know Scott?
Ramona V. Flowers: He's a friend.
Stacey Pilgrim: [smiles and nods, sarcastic.] It's hard for me to keep track sometimes, he has so many friends. [Ramona gives her an off look.] Knives? [Knives turns to her.] Uh, how did you meet Scott?
Knives Chau: [smiles.] Well...
Scott Pilgrim: [alert; thinking.] Oh, no... This is a nightmare.
[Scott turns around and slaps Stephen across the face, Young Neil gapes at them.]
Scott Pilgrim: We need to play now and loud.
Stephen Stills: [stunned.] Okay.
Knives Chau: [to Ramona and Stacey.] So, I was on the bus with my mom... [pauses, looking toward stage.]
Ramona V. Flowers: [beat.] Is that seriously the end of the story?
Knives Chau: [leans forward, grabbing balcony rail.] OH, MY GOSH!! They're on!
Announcer: [uninterested.] Okay, this next band is from Toronto... and, uh... yeah. Give it up for Sex Bob-Omb.
Knives Chau: [shouting.] I HEART YOU, SEX BOB-OMB!! WHOO-HOO!!
Stephen Stills: Scott, you ready? [Scott nods affirmatively.] Okay. Kim--
Kim Pine: [shouting.] WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB!! [counts in on the drums.] ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR!
[Sex Bob-Omb begins playing "Garbage Truck".]
...
[Kim, Scott and Stephen all stop playing and look up the giant, fiery hole in the roof of the club. Matthew Patel dives out of the smoke, flying straight towards Scott.]
Matthew Patel: MR. PILGRIM. [lands on the stage.] It is I, Matthew Patel. Consider our fight... BEGUN!
[Matthew leaps into the air, preparing to attack Scott.]
Scott Pilgrim: [slow motion.] What did I do? What do I do?
Wallace Wells: [slow motion.] FIGHT!
...
[While fighting.]
Scott Pilgrim: Wait! We're fighting over Ramona?
Matthew Patel: Didn't you get my email explaining the situation?
Scott Pilgrim: I skimmed it.
[Wallace tuts and shakes his head.]
Matthew Patel: You will pay for your insolence!
...
Wallace Wells: [to Scott.] Hey! What's with his outfit?
Guy: [dismissive.] Yeah, is he a pirate?
Scott Pilgrim: [to Matthew.] Are you a pirate?
Matthew Patel: [defensive.] Pirates are in this year.
...
[At the end of the battle.]
Ramona: Well... It was nice meeting you. Tell your gay friends I said bye. [Gets up and walks away]
Stacy: Gay friends? [Turns to see Wallace kissing Jimmy] WALLACE! AGAIN?!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scott Pilgrim: [after defeating Matthew Patel] So... what was all that all about?
Ramona V. Flowers: Well... I guess... if we're going to date, you may have to defeat my seven evil exes.
Scott Pilgrim: You have seven evil ex-boyfriends?
Ramona V. Flowers: Seven evil exes, yes.
Scott Pilgrim: And I have to fight...
Ramona V. Flowers: Defeat.
Scott Pilgrim: Defeat your seven evil exes if we're going to continue to date?
Ramona V. Flowers: Pretty much.
Scott Pilgrim: So what you're saying is that we are... dating?
Ramona V. Flowers: Uh, I guess.
Scott Pilgrim: Does that mean we can make out?
Ramona V. Flowers: [smiles] Sure.
Scott Pilgrim: Cool.
Studio Audience: Aww! [Applause]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lucas Lee: Prepare to feel the wrath of the League of Evil Exes.
Scott Pilgrim: The League of Evil Exes?
Lucas Lee: You really don't know about the League? The seven evil exes? Coming to kill you? Controlling the future of Ramona's love life?
Scott Pilgrim: No.
Lucas Lee: Oh. Well hey, don't worry about it.
Scott Pilgrim: [stunned.] Really?
Lucas Lee: Yeah. [reaches to help him up.] Let's go get a beer.
Scott Pilgrim: That'd be great--
[Lucas punches him in the face.]
Lucas Lee: Boom! [laughs.]
Scott Pilgrim: You are a pretty good actor.
Lucas Lee: I'm going for the Oscar this year.
Scott Pilgrim: But are you a pretty good skater?
Lucas Lee: I'm more than pretty good, Esé. [pulls his shirt collar down to reveal a double-L tattoo on his chest.] I've got my own skate company.
Scott Pilgrim: So can you do a "thingy" on that rail? [indicates railing on a set of steps.]
Lucas Lee: It's called a grind, bro.
Scott Pilgrim: So, can you do a "grindy thingy", right now?
Lucas Lee: Are you serious? There are like 200 steps and the rails are garbage.
Scott Pilgrim: [innocent.] Well hey, if it's too hardcore...
Lucas Lee: [glaring.] You really think you can goad me into doing a trick like that?
Scott Pilgrim: [deadpan.] There are girls watching.
Lucas Lee: [beat.] Someone get me my board.
Wallace Wells: [pops into view, taps Lucas on shoulder.] Hi. Big fan. [passes him his skateboard.]
Lucas Lee: [cracks neck.] Why wouldn't you be?
[Lucas starts his run, hopping from rail to rail, picking up speed.]
Scott Pilgrim: [watching.] Wow.
[Lucas speed increases rapidly.]
Scott Pilgrim: Wow.
[Lucas is now going dangerously fast, the bottom of the rail in sight.]
Scott Pilgrim: [slow-motion.] Wo...
[Going too fast to stop, Lucas reaches the bottom of the steps... and explodes into coins.]
Wallace Wells: Wow. He totally bailed.
Scott Pilgrim: Yes! [realising.] Ah! I didn't get his autograph...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[During an awkward backstage face-off between Scott and Ramona and Envy and Todd, their respective exes.]
Knives Chau: [gasps, standing up.]
[Everyone looks at Knives.]
Knives Chau: [to Envy.] I've kissed lips that kissed you!
[Envy looks at Todd and nods, Todd stands up and punches Knives in the face, knocking the blue dye out of her hair and sending her reeling to the floor.]
Scott Pilgrim: [stands up, shocked.] Knives!
Todd Ingram: [nonchalant.] What? I'm not afraid to hit a girl. I'm a rock star.
Young Neil: [glares at Todd.] Oh, my God. You punched the highlights out of her hair. [to Scott.] He punched the highlights out of her hair!
Envy Adams: You are incorrigible.
Todd Ingram: I don't know the meaning of the word.
Caption: HE REALLY DOESN'T.
[Young Neil leads a shellshocked Knives away.]
Julie Powers: [changing the subject.] So, uh, you guys doing anything fun while you're in town?
Todd Ingram: "Fun"? In Toronto?
Envy Adams: Hah--
Scott Pilgrim: [slamming fists on table.] That's IT! You cocky cock! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity!
[Scott lunges to attack Todd, but is frozen by psychic energy. Todd, eyes glowing and hair standing on end, levitates Scott into the air.]
Scott Pilgrim: [choking.] My neck. [gasps.] Your hair.
Envy Adams: Didn't you know? Todd's vegan.
[Todd flings Scott through a brick wall into an alleyway outside.]
Scott Pilgrim: [standing up.] Vegan?
Todd Ingram: It's not really that big of a deal.
Scott Pilgrim: No kidding. Anyone can be vegan.
Todd Ingram: Ovo-lacto-vegetarian, maybe.
Scott Pilgrim: Ovo-what?
Todd Ingram: I partake not in the meat, nor the breastmilk, nor the ovum, of any creature with a face.
Envy Adams: Short answer: being vegan just makes you better than most people.
Todd Ingram: Bingo.
[Todd punches Scott and sends him, screaming, high into the air and out of sight.]
Stephen Stills: Hey, man, question: I always wondered, how does not eating dairy products give you psychic powers?
Todd Ingram: [rolls eyes.] Okay, you know how you only use ten percent of your brain? That's because the other 90 percent is filled with curds and whey.
Kim Pine: [dismissive.] Did you learn that at vegan academy?
Todd Ingram: Go ahead and get snippy, baby, but if you knew the science, maybe I'd listen to a word you're saying.
[Scott falls back to solid ground after hitting a light fixture. Ramona runs over to him.]
Scott Pilgrim: [weakly.] If I peed my pants, would you pretend I just got wet from the rain?
Ramona Flowers: It's not raining.
...
Todd Ingram: We have unfinished business, I and he.
Scott Pilgrim: He and me.
Todd Ingram: Don't you talk to me about grammar!
Scott Pilgrim: I dislike you, capisce?
Todd Ingram: Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.
Scott Pilgrim: What?
Todd Ingram: Because you'll be dust by Monday...
Scott Pilgrim: [confused] Ummm...
Todd Ingram: Because you'll be pulverized in two seconds. And the cleaning lady, she cleans up... dust. She dusts.
Scott Pilgrim: ... S-so, what's on Monday?
Envy Adams: [Rolls eyes.]
Todd Ingram: [also confused.] Because... it's Friday now, she has the weekends off, so... Monday. Right?
...
Todd Ingram: I can read your thoughts. [psychically.] Your will is broken. You're through.
Scott: What say we drink to my memory. [offering him a cup of coffee, innocently.] Fair-trade blend with soy milk?
Envy: [scoffs.] I'm sorry, but that's pathetic.
Todd: Dude, I can see in your mind's eye that you put half-and-half in one of those coffees, in an attempt to make me break Vegan-edge. I'll take the one with soy. [levitates the other cup from Scott's hand and brings it to his own.] Thanks, tool. [sips the coffee.]
Scott: Actually, muchacho, I poured the soy in this cup, but I thought really hard about pouring it in that cup. You know, in my "mind's eye" or whatever. [sips his own coffee.]
Todd: [eyes return to normal, baffled.] What are you talking about?
Scott: You just drank half-and-half, baby.
[Sirens; a hole is blown into the wall. Todd drops the coffee cup. Two Vegan policemen come in with their index fingers raised at Todd.]
Vegan Policeman #1: Freeze! Vegan Police!
Vegan Policeman #2: Vegan Police!
Vegan Policeman #1: Todd Ingram, you're under arrest for Veganity Violation Code Number 827: imbibing of half-and-half.
Todd Ingram: That's bullroar!
Vegan Policeman #1: No vegan diet, no vegan powers!
Todd Ingram: But-But this is only my first offence. Don't I get three strikes? I mean...
Vegan Policeman #1: [to Policeman #2] Take it.
Vegan Policeman #2: [whips out notepad.] 12:47 on February 1st: You knowingly ingested gelato.
Todd Ingram: Gelato isn't vegan?
Vegan Policeman #1: It's milk and eggs, bitch.
Vegan Policeman #2: [still reading.] On April 4th, 7:30 pm, you partook of a plate of chicken parmesan.
[Envy gasps, then glares at Todd.]
Todd Ingram: [feeble.] Chicken isn't vegan?
Vegan Policeman #1: De-Veganize Ray. Hit him!! [both fire de-veganizing rays at Todd, sapping him of his powers. Todd's hair sags.]
Envy Adams: [gasps.] Oh my God.
Todd Ingram: [shocked] No. No...
[The Vegan Policemen step back, Scott steps forward purposefully.]
Scott Pilgrim: You once were a ve-gone, and now you will be gone.
Todd Ingram: [incredulous] "Ve-gone"?
[Scott headbutts Todd, who bursts into coins. The two Vegan Policemen exit in slow motion, high-fiving and exclaiming as they do. Scott holds his forehead in pain.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scott and Ramona arrive at The Clash at Demonhead's afterparty.]
Ramona V. Flowers: I'm not saying Todd wasn't bad, but what about Envy? We all have baggage.
Scott Pilgrim: Yeah, well my baggage doesn't try and kill me every five minutes.
...
Scott Pilgrim: I think this ex-boyfriends thing is messing with my head.
Ramona V. Flowers: Exes.
Scott Pilgrim: Why do you keep saying that--
[Scott is kicked in the face from behind, slams into the bar counter and falls flat on the floor. He looks up at his attacker.]
Scott Pilgrim: [stands up, thinking.] The girl from earlier?
Ramona V. Flowers: Roxy?
Scott Pilgrim: You know this girl?
Roxy Richter: Boy, does she know me.
Scott Pilgrim: [deeply confused.] What is she talking about?
Roxy Richter: He really doesn't know?
Scott Pilgrim: [realisation dawning.] Wait...
Roxy Richter: Hmm? [smiles suggestively.]
[Inside Scott's head, a lever switches from "NO CLUE" to "GETS IT".]
Scott Pilgrim: You and her?
Ramona V. Flowers: It was just a phase.
Roxy Richter: "Just a phase"?!
Scott Pilgrim: You had a sexy phase?
Ramona V. Flowers: It meant nothing. I didn't think it would count.
Roxy Richter: "It meant nothing"?!!
Ramona V. Flowers: I was just a little bi-curious.
Roxy Richter: Well, honey... [cracks knuckles.] I'm a little bi-furious!
[Roxy performs a spinning kick aimed at Scott, but is blocked by Ramona. A pink VS. sign appears between them and Ramona throws Roxy back.]
Ramona V. Flowers: Do that again and I will end you.
Roxy Richter: Back off, hasbian! If Gideon can't have you, no one can! [whips off her belt, which turns into a chain-sword.] The League has spoken!
Ramona V. Flowers: Well, then Gideon best get his pretentious ass up here, 'cause I'm about to kick yours out of the Great White North! [pulls a massive stone hammer out of her purse.]
[While they fight, Scott ducks over to Wallace.]
Scott Pilgrim: Wallace, this is really happening, right?
Wallace Wells: Oh yeah. [yelling.] Kick her in the balls!
[As they continue fighting, Roxy grabs Ramona's hammer with her chain sword.]
Roxy Richter: I'm sending you back to Gideon in a thousand pieces, you slag! [throws the hammer out of the window.] Ha!
[Roxy turns around, Ramona axe-kicks her in the head and she falls to the floor.]
Ramona V. Flowers: I'd rather be dead than go back. He's a creep, you're a bitch, and you all deserve each other.
Roxy Richter: Give it a rest, Ramona! This is a League game!
Ramona V. Flowers: Meaning?
Roxy Richter: [stands up.] Meaning your precious Scott must defeat me with his own fists!
[Everyone looks at Scott expectantly.]
Scott Pilgrim: [nervous.] Um... I don't think I can hit a girl. They're soft.
Ramona V. Flowers: You don't have a choice.
[Ramona grabs Scott and uses his arms and legs to fend off Roxy's attacks.]
Roxy Richter: Fight your own battles, lazy ass! [vanishes.]
[After a few seconds Roxy rematerializes, forcing Scott and Ramona apart, and punches Scott into the rafters. He falls and lands in a pile on the ground.]
Roxy Richter: Every Pilgrim reaches the end of his journey, some sooner than others. [raises her leg in an axe kick.] Your BF's about to get F'd in the B! [brings her leg down in slow-motion.]
Ramona V. Flowers: [slow-motion.] Her weak point's the back of her knees.
Scott Pilgrim: [slow-motion.] Wait, how does that work?
Ramona V. Flowers: [slow-motion.] Whenever we were making out I would just...
Scott Pilgrim: [slow-motion.] Okay, enough!
[Scott pokes Roxy in the back of her knee. Roxy, overcome, collapses on the floor and writhes.]
Roxy Richter: You'll never... be able to do this... to heerrr...!
[Roxy explodes into coins.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scott confronts Gideon Graves, Ramona's last evil ex, at his nightclub lair, the Chaos Theatre.]
Gideon Graves: You wanna fight me... for her?
Scott Pilgrim: [arch.] Was that not clear? [to the members of Sex Bob-Omb.] Was that not clear? [they shrug, mumble "I dunno".]
Gideon Graves: Now, why on earth would you wanna do... that?
Scott Pilgrim: Because I'm in love with her.
[A flaming samurai sword emerges from Scott's chest, causing him to level up.]
Narrator Voice: SCOTT EARNED THE POWER OF LOVE.
Gideon Graves: Aww, I think this deserves a song. Kimberley!!
Kim Pine: [unenthusiastically, gives Gideon the finger subtly.] We are Sex Bob-Omb. We are here to make money and sell out and stuff. One-two-three-four!
...
[After being slain by Gideon, Scott uses a 1-UP token to revive and re-enters the Chaos Theatre from the beginning.]
Comeau: [chatting to partygoers.] ... No, it's just the comic book is better than the movie...
[Scott barges past him to the stage where Sex Bob-Omb, as before, notice Scott and stop playing.]
Stephen Stills: Scott! Let it go...
Scott Pilgrim: Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. Stephen, the new line-up rocks; you guys sound better without me. Young Neil, you have learned well. From this point forward, you will be known as... Neil.
Neil: [pleasurably.] Ohh.
Scott: And Kim... [Kim raises an eyebrow.] I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about me.
[Kim, surprised, smiles at him for the first time.]
Gideon Graves: [from the other side of the club.] Scott Pilgrim! Hey, buddy!
Scott Pilgrim: Save it! You're pretentious! This club sucks! I've got beef. Let's do it.
Gideon Graves: W-w-whoa-wait! You wanna fight me... for her?
Scott Pilgrim: No. I wanna fight you for me.
[A flaming samurai sword emerges from Scott's chest, causing him to level up even higher.]
Narrator Voice: SCOTT EARNED THE POWER OF SELF-RESPECT.
Gideon Graves: [baffled.] Umm...
Scott Pilgrim: KIM!
Kim Pine: WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB AND WE'RE HERE TO WATCH SCOTT PILGRIM KICK YOUR TEETH IN!! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR!!
[Sex Bob-Omb starts playing an upbeat rock song.]
[Obliterating all of the hipster henchmen faster than before, Scott rushes towards Gideon. They lunge at each other, swords drawn. Scott slashes Gideon across the shoulder, who tumbles to the ground.]
Scott Pilgrim: [landing.] How's it going back there?
Gideon Graves: You... dick! [slumps.]
Scott Pilgrim: [calling for Knives.] Knives? I know you're in here. Don't attack Ramo---
Knives Chau: SCOTT!!!
[They all turn around, as Knives down-kicked Ramona in the head.]
Knives Chau: Steal my boyfriend!, Taste my steel! [Prepares to attack Ramona, but Scott stops her.]
Scott Pilgrim: Enough!
Knives Chau: No, Scott. [kicks Scott in the head.] This fat-ass hurt me and I will have my revenge!
Scott Pilgrim: No, Knives! I hurt you. I cheated on you. [Scott turns to each of the girls. Ramona gets up.] I cheated on both of you. I'm really sorry. [turns to Ramona.] And you're not a fat-ass. She didn't mean that. So... are we all good?
[The chip on the back of Ramona's neck fizzles.]
Ramona Flowers: Never better.
Gideon Graves: Yoo-hoo.
[They all turn to Gideon.]
Gideon Graves: Are we done with the hugging and the learning? [puts gum in his mouth.] I thought we had a fight going on here!
Scott Pilgrim: Oh, You've got a fight, all right!
[Scott prepares himself.]
Gideon Graves: Wrong move, baby.
[Gideon summons his sword, and they begin to fight.]
...
[Gideon, gravely wounded, flashes and glitches angrily.]
Gideon Graves: Who do you think you are, Pilgrim? You think you're better than me? I'll tell you what you are: a pain in my ass!! Do you know how long it took to get all the evil exes' contact information so I could form this stupid league? Like, two hours! TWO HOURS! [coughs and spits out coins.] You're not cool enough for Ramona. You're zero. Nothing! Me, I'm what's hip! I'm what's happening! I'M BLOWING UP RIGHT NOW!!
Scott Pilgrim: You are blowing up... Right now!
[Scott drop-kicks Gideon in the head, causing him to explode into a shower of coins.]
Narrator Voice: K.O.!
[Coins rain down in slow-motion.]
Knives Chau: [slow motion.] Wow!
Scott Pilgrim: [slow motion.] Yeah. Wow.
[Sex Bob-omb jump back as the mass of coins land on the stage.]
Kim Pine: [deadpan.] There goes our deal!
Stephen Stills: We're still getting paid, right?
Kim Pine: There goes... our deal.
Stephen: Oh. [panicked.] Oh, God!
[Stephen scrambles to pick up the coins; Neil picks one up and tries to eat it. Kim mimes shooting herself in the head and collapses on her drum kit.]
Wallace Wells: I do not want to be here at all.
Scott Pilgrim: This school has boys too.
Wallace Wells: [rolls eyes] Hate you. Even I would think twice about dating a seventeen year-old.
Scott Pilgrim: Well, she's only allowed out when the sun is up, so I wouldn't call it dating. It's more like...
Wallace Wells: Playtime?
Scott Pilgrim: That doesn't sound so good either.
Wallace Wells: No.
Knives Chau: Scott!
[Knives runs up to them both.]
Scott Pilgrim: Hey, Knives, this is Wallace Wells, my cool, gay roommate. He's gay.
Knives Chau: Hi. Do you want to know who in my class is gay?
Wallace Wells: Yes. Does he wear glasses?
Scott Pilgrim: Wallace, you go now. Begone.
Wallace Wells: [seizing Knives by the hands, intensely.] You're too good for him. Run. [walks away.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scott Pilgrim: Wallace!
[Wallace, wakes up hungover, still wearing his clothes from the previous night.]
Scott Pilgrim: Amazon.Ca, what's the website for that?
Wallace Wells: "Amazon.Ca".
Scott Pilgrim: I have to order something really cool.
AOL Voice: You've got mail.
Scott Pilgrim: Dude, this thing claims I have mail.
Wallace Wells: [struggling with his coat.] It's amazing what we can do with computers these days.
Scott Pilgrim: Dude, now I'm reading it.
Wallace Wells: So happy for you.
Scott Pilgrim: [reading.] Dear Mr. Pilgrim, it has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Matthew Patel, and... Blah, blah, blah...Fair warning... Mano y mano... Seven evil... Blah, blah. This is... [disturbed.] This is... This is...
Wallace Wells: [yanks off sweater.] What??
Scott Pilgrim: This is boring. Dele-ete. [deletes the email.]
[Wallace notices Scott is now sat watching the front door intently.]
Wallace Wells: [incredulous.] Scott, are you waiting for the package you just ordered?
Scott Pilgrim: Maybe.
Wallace Wells: It's the weekend. It won't ship until Monday at the earliest.
[Doorbell rings.]
Scott Pilgrim: [jumps up.] You were saying?
[Scott opens the door and is immediately pounced on by Knives.]
Knives Chau: Attack hug!!
Scott Pilgrim: [barely concealed disappointment.] Attack hug. Yeah, that's so cute, so cute...
Knives Chau: [innocent.] You remember, you were supposed to meet me at the bus-stop a half hour ago?
Scott Pilgrim: How could I possibly forget?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ramona arrives at the Rockit for the Battle of the Bands.]
Scott Pilgrim: [excited.] Hey! You totally came.
Ramona V. Flowers: [deadpan.] Yes. I did totally come.
[Awkward pause. Scott stands there, grinning, Ramona seems unsure what to say.]
Stacy Pilgrim: [clears throat.] Please excuse my brother, he is chronically enfeebled. I'm Stacy. This is Wallace, his roommate.
Wallace Wells: [waves.] Hey.
Stacy Pilgrim: This is my boyfriend Jimmy.
Wallace Wells: [to Jimmy, suddenly attentive.] Hey.
Stacy Pilgrim: [fake surprise.] Oh, and this is Knives!
Knives Chau: Hey!
Scott Pilgrim: [off guard.] Hey...!
[Knives attack hugs Scott and kisses him on the cheek. Ramona looks on, incredulous.]
Knives Chau: [indicating her hair and outfit.] So, do you like?
Scott Pilgrim: I... I, uh... [looks nervously at Ramona, then back at Knives.]
[Knives looks suspiciously at Ramona, Stacy (realizing who Ramona is) looks questioningly at Scott, Wallace looks flirtatiously at Jimmy; everyone looks expectantly at Scott.]
Scott Pilgrim: ...have to... go. [dashes off backstage.]
...
[As Crash and the Boys set-up.]
Wallace Wells: Hey, Jimmy. Do they rock or suck?
Jimmy: They... have not started playing yet.
Wallace Wells: [pats his arm.] That was a test, Jimmy. And you passed.
Jimmy: [nervous.] Okay.
Luke "Crash" Wilson: Good evening. My name's Crash, these are the Boys.
Wallace Wells: [heckling.] Is that girl a boy, too?
Luke "Crash" Wilson: Yes. [Trasha gives Wallace the finger.]
Kim Pine: [offstage.] They have a girl drummer??
Luke "Crash" Wilson: This song is called "I Am So Sad, I Am So Very, Very Sad". It goes a little something like this.
[Trasha counts in on the drums, and Crash and Joel play two chords...]
Luke "Crash" Wilson: SO SAD!!... [Song ends] Thank you.
Wallace Wells: [heckling.] It's not a race, guys!
Luke "Crash" Wilson: All right, this next song goes out to the guy who keeps yelling from the balcony. [Wallace points at himself, mock questioningly.] It's called "We Hate You, Please Die."
Wallace Wells: Sweet! [to Jimmy.] Love this one.
[Crash and Joel begin playing chords, with Trasha counting in on the drums. Trasha bangs the cymbals four times, then stops; Joel begins playing a riff on his bass.]
Luke "Crash" Wilson: [singing.] I can hear ya, I can feel ya...
Stephen Stills: [offstage, to the band.] HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THIS? WE'RE NOT GOING TO WIN, WE'RE NOT GOING TO SIGN WITH G-MAN, WE'LL NEVER PLAY OPENING NIGHT AT THE CHAOS THEATRE. [turns to Scott.] GOD DAMMIT, SCOTT, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP JUST STANDING THERE, YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT!!!
Lucas "Crash" Wilson: [final notes.] Lonely like you... [song ends.] Thank you.
[Scattered applause from the audience.]
Stacey Pilgrim: [pokes Ramona's shoulder, Ramona turns to her.] So, how do you know Scott?
Ramona V. Flowers: He's a friend.
Stacey Pilgrim: [smiles and nods, sarcastic.] It's hard for me to keep track sometimes, he has so many friends. [Ramona gives her an off look.] Knives? [Knives turns to her.] Uh, how did you meet Scott?
Knives Chau: [smiles.] Well...
Scott Pilgrim: [alert; thinking.] Oh, no... This is a nightmare.
[Scott turns around and slaps Stephen across the face, Young Neil gapes at them.]
Scott Pilgrim: We need to play now and loud.
Stephen Stills: [stunned.] Okay.
Knives Chau: [to Ramona and Stacey.] So, I was on the bus with my mom... [pauses, looking toward stage.]
Ramona V. Flowers: [beat.] Is that seriously the end of the story?
Knives Chau: [leans forward, grabbing balcony rail.] OH, MY GOSH!! They're on!
Announcer: [uninterested.] Okay, this next band is from Toronto... and, uh... yeah. Give it up for Sex Bob-Omb.
Knives Chau: [shouting.] I HEART YOU, SEX BOB-OMB!! WHOO-HOO!!
Stephen Stills: Scott, you ready? [Scott nods affirmatively.] Okay. Kim--
Kim Pine: [shouting.] WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB!! [counts in on the drums.] ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR!
[Sex Bob-Omb begins playing "Garbage Truck".]
...
[Kim, Scott and Stephen all stop playing and look up the giant, fiery hole in the roof of the club. Matthew Patel dives out of the smoke, flying straight towards Scott.]
Matthew Patel: MR. PILGRIM. [lands on the stage.] It is I, Matthew Patel. Consider our fight... BEGUN!
[Matthew leaps into the air, preparing to attack Scott.]
Scott Pilgrim: [slow motion.] What did I do? What do I do?
Wallace Wells: [slow motion.] FIGHT!
...
[While fighting.]
Scott Pilgrim: Wait! We're fighting over Ramona?
Matthew Patel: Didn't you get my email explaining the situation?
Scott Pilgrim: I skimmed it.
[Wallace tuts and shakes his head.]
Matthew Patel: You will pay for your insolence!
...
Wallace Wells: [to Scott.] Hey! What's with his outfit?
Guy: [dismissive.] Yeah, is he a pirate?
Scott Pilgrim: [to Matthew.] Are you a pirate?
Matthew Patel: [defensive.] Pirates are in this year.
...
[At the end of the battle.]
Ramona: Well... It was nice meeting you. Tell your gay friends I said bye. [Gets up and walks away]
Stacy: Gay friends? [Turns to see Wallace kissing Jimmy] WALLACE! AGAIN?!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scott Pilgrim: [after defeating Matthew Patel] So... what was all that all about?
Ramona V. Flowers: Well... I guess... if we're going to date, you may have to defeat my seven evil exes.
Scott Pilgrim: You have seven evil ex-boyfriends?
Ramona V. Flowers: Seven evil exes, yes.
Scott Pilgrim: And I have to fight...
Ramona V. Flowers: Defeat.
Scott Pilgrim: Defeat your seven evil exes if we're going to continue to date?
Ramona V. Flowers: Pretty much.
Scott Pilgrim: So what you're saying is that we are... dating?
Ramona V. Flowers: Uh, I guess.
Scott Pilgrim: Does that mean we can make out?
Ramona V. Flowers: [smiles] Sure.
Scott Pilgrim: Cool.
Studio Audience: Aww! [Applause]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lucas Lee: Prepare to feel the wrath of the League of Evil Exes.
Scott Pilgrim: The League of Evil Exes?
Lucas Lee: You really don't know about the League? The seven evil exes? Coming to kill you? Controlling the future of Ramona's love life?
Scott Pilgrim: No.
Lucas Lee: Oh. Well hey, don't worry about it.
Scott Pilgrim: [stunned.] Really?
Lucas Lee: Yeah. [reaches to help him up.] Let's go get a beer.
Scott Pilgrim: That'd be great--
[Lucas punches him in the face.]
Lucas Lee: Boom! [laughs.]
Scott Pilgrim: You are a pretty good actor.
Lucas Lee: I'm going for the Oscar this year.
Scott Pilgrim: But are you a pretty good skater?
Lucas Lee: I'm more than pretty good, Esé. [pulls his shirt collar down to reveal a double-L tattoo on his chest.] I've got my own skate company.
Scott Pilgrim: So can you do a "thingy" on that rail? [indicates railing on a set of steps.]
Lucas Lee: It's called a grind, bro.
Scott Pilgrim: So, can you do a "grindy thingy", right now?
Lucas Lee: Are you serious? There are like 200 steps and the rails are garbage.
Scott Pilgrim: [innocent.] Well hey, if it's too hardcore...
Lucas Lee: [glaring.] You really think you can goad me into doing a trick like that?
Scott Pilgrim: [deadpan.] There are girls watching.
Lucas Lee: [beat.] Someone get me my board.
Wallace Wells: [pops into view, taps Lucas on shoulder.] Hi. Big fan. [passes him his skateboard.]
Lucas Lee: [cracks neck.] Why wouldn't you be?
[Lucas starts his run, hopping from rail to rail, picking up speed.]
Scott Pilgrim: [watching.] Wow.
[Lucas speed increases rapidly.]
Scott Pilgrim: Wow.
[Lucas is now going dangerously fast, the bottom of the rail in sight.]
Scott Pilgrim: [slow-motion.] Wo...
[Going too fast to stop, Lucas reaches the bottom of the steps... and explodes into coins.]
Wallace Wells: Wow. He totally bailed.
Scott Pilgrim: Yes! [realising.] Ah! I didn't get his autograph...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[During an awkward backstage face-off between Scott and Ramona and Envy and Todd, their respective exes.]
Knives Chau: [gasps, standing up.]
[Everyone looks at Knives.]
Knives Chau: [to Envy.] I've kissed lips that kissed you!
[Envy looks at Todd and nods, Todd stands up and punches Knives in the face, knocking the blue dye out of her hair and sending her reeling to the floor.]
Scott Pilgrim: [stands up, shocked.] Knives!
Todd Ingram: [nonchalant.] What? I'm not afraid to hit a girl. I'm a rock star.
Young Neil: [glares at Todd.] Oh, my God. You punched the highlights out of her hair. [to Scott.] He punched the highlights out of her hair!
Envy Adams: You are incorrigible.
Todd Ingram: I don't know the meaning of the word.
Caption: HE REALLY DOESN'T.
[Young Neil leads a shellshocked Knives away.]
Julie Powers: [changing the subject.] So, uh, you guys doing anything fun while you're in town?
Todd Ingram: "Fun"? In Toronto?
Envy Adams: Hah--
Scott Pilgrim: [slamming fists on table.] That's IT! You cocky cock! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity!
[Scott lunges to attack Todd, but is frozen by psychic energy. Todd, eyes glowing and hair standing on end, levitates Scott into the air.]
Scott Pilgrim: [choking.] My neck. [gasps.] Your hair.
Envy Adams: Didn't you know? Todd's vegan.
[Todd flings Scott through a brick wall into an alleyway outside.]
Scott Pilgrim: [standing up.] Vegan?
Todd Ingram: It's not really that big of a deal.
Scott Pilgrim: No kidding. Anyone can be vegan.
Todd Ingram: Ovo-lacto-vegetarian, maybe.
Scott Pilgrim: Ovo-what?
Todd Ingram: I partake not in the meat, nor the breastmilk, nor the ovum, of any creature with a face.
Envy Adams: Short answer: being vegan just makes you better than most people.
Todd Ingram: Bingo.
[Todd punches Scott and sends him, screaming, high into the air and out of sight.]
Stephen Stills: Hey, man, question: I always wondered, how does not eating dairy products give you psychic powers?
Todd Ingram: [rolls eyes.] Okay, you know how you only use ten percent of your brain? That's because the other 90 percent is filled with curds and whey.
Kim Pine: [dismissive.] Did you learn that at vegan academy?
Todd Ingram: Go ahead and get snippy, baby, but if you knew the science, maybe I'd listen to a word you're saying.
[Scott falls back to solid ground after hitting a light fixture. Ramona runs over to him.]
Scott Pilgrim: [weakly.] If I peed my pants, would you pretend I just got wet from the rain?
Ramona Flowers: It's not raining.
...
Todd Ingram: We have unfinished business, I and he.
Scott Pilgrim: He and me.
Todd Ingram: Don't you talk to me about grammar!
Scott Pilgrim: I dislike you, capisce?
Todd Ingram: Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.
Scott Pilgrim: What?
Todd Ingram: Because you'll be dust by Monday...
Scott Pilgrim: [confused] Ummm...
Todd Ingram: Because you'll be pulverized in two seconds. And the cleaning lady, she cleans up... dust. She dusts.
Scott Pilgrim: ... S-so, what's on Monday?
Envy Adams: [Rolls eyes.]
Todd Ingram: [also confused.] Because... it's Friday now, she has the weekends off, so... Monday. Right?
...
Todd Ingram: I can read your thoughts. [psychically.] Your will is broken. You're through.
Scott: What say we drink to my memory. [offering him a cup of coffee, innocently.] Fair-trade blend with soy milk?
Envy: [scoffs.] I'm sorry, but that's pathetic.
Todd: Dude, I can see in your mind's eye that you put half-and-half in one of those coffees, in an attempt to make me break Vegan-edge. I'll take the one with soy. [levitates the other cup from Scott's hand and brings it to his own.] Thanks, tool. [sips the coffee.]
Scott: Actually, muchacho, I poured the soy in this cup, but I thought really hard about pouring it in that cup. You know, in my "mind's eye" or whatever. [sips his own coffee.]
Todd: [eyes return to normal, baffled.] What are you talking about?
Scott: You just drank half-and-half, baby.
[Sirens; a hole is blown into the wall. Todd drops the coffee cup. Two Vegan policemen come in with their index fingers raised at Todd.]
Vegan Policeman #1: Freeze! Vegan Police!
Vegan Policeman #2: Vegan Police!
Vegan Policeman #1: Todd Ingram, you're under arrest for Veganity Violation Code Number 827: imbibing of half-and-half.
Todd Ingram: That's bullroar!
Vegan Policeman #1: No vegan diet, no vegan powers!
Todd Ingram: But-But this is only my first offence. Don't I get three strikes? I mean...
Vegan Policeman #1: [to Policeman #2] Take it.
Vegan Policeman #2: [whips out notepad.] 12:47 on February 1st: You knowingly ingested gelato.
Todd Ingram: Gelato isn't vegan?
Vegan Policeman #1: It's milk and eggs, bitch.
Vegan Policeman #2: [still reading.] On April 4th, 7:30 pm, you partook of a plate of chicken parmesan.
[Envy gasps, then glares at Todd.]
Todd Ingram: [feeble.] Chicken isn't vegan?
Vegan Policeman #1: De-Veganize Ray. Hit him!! [both fire de-veganizing rays at Todd, sapping him of his powers. Todd's hair sags.]
Envy Adams: [gasps.] Oh my God.
Todd Ingram: [shocked] No. No...
[The Vegan Policemen step back, Scott steps forward purposefully.]
Scott Pilgrim: You once were a ve-gone, and now you will be gone.
Todd Ingram: [incredulous] "Ve-gone"?
[Scott headbutts Todd, who bursts into coins. The two Vegan Policemen exit in slow motion, high-fiving and exclaiming as they do. Scott holds his forehead in pain.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scott and Ramona arrive at The Clash at Demonhead's afterparty.]
Ramona V. Flowers: I'm not saying Todd wasn't bad, but what about Envy? We all have baggage.
Scott Pilgrim: Yeah, well my baggage doesn't try and kill me every five minutes.
...
Scott Pilgrim: I think this ex-boyfriends thing is messing with my head.
Ramona V. Flowers: Exes.
Scott Pilgrim: Why do you keep saying that--
[Scott is kicked in the face from behind, slams into the bar counter and falls flat on the floor. He looks up at his attacker.]
Scott Pilgrim: [stands up, thinking.] The girl from earlier?
Ramona V. Flowers: Roxy?
Scott Pilgrim: You know this girl?
Roxy Richter: Boy, does she know me.
Scott Pilgrim: [deeply confused.] What is she talking about?
Roxy Richter: He really doesn't know?
Scott Pilgrim: [realisation dawning.] Wait...
Roxy Richter: Hmm? [smiles suggestively.]
[Inside Scott's head, a lever switches from "NO CLUE" to "GETS IT".]
Scott Pilgrim: You and her?
Ramona V. Flowers: It was just a phase.
Roxy Richter: "Just a phase"?!
Scott Pilgrim: You had a sexy phase?
Ramona V. Flowers: It meant nothing. I didn't think it would count.
Roxy Richter: "It meant nothing"?!!
Ramona V. Flowers: I was just a little bi-curious.
Roxy Richter: Well, honey... [cracks knuckles.] I'm a little bi-furious!
[Roxy performs a spinning kick aimed at Scott, but is blocked by Ramona. A pink VS. sign appears between them and Ramona throws Roxy back.]
Ramona V. Flowers: Do that again and I will end you.
Roxy Richter: Back off, hasbian! If Gideon can't have you, no one can! [whips off her belt, which turns into a chain-sword.] The League has spoken!
Ramona V. Flowers: Well, then Gideon best get his pretentious ass up here, 'cause I'm about to kick yours out of the Great White North! [pulls a massive stone hammer out of her purse.]
[While they fight, Scott ducks over to Wallace.]
Scott Pilgrim: Wallace, this is really happening, right?
Wallace Wells: Oh yeah. [yelling.] Kick her in the balls!
[As they continue fighting, Roxy grabs Ramona's hammer with her chain sword.]
Roxy Richter: I'm sending you back to Gideon in a thousand pieces, you slag! [throws the hammer out of the window.] Ha!
[Roxy turns around, Ramona axe-kicks her in the head and she falls to the floor.]
Ramona V. Flowers: I'd rather be dead than go back. He's a creep, you're a bitch, and you all deserve each other.
Roxy Richter: Give it a rest, Ramona! This is a League game!
Ramona V. Flowers: Meaning?
Roxy Richter: [stands up.] Meaning your precious Scott must defeat me with his own fists!
[Everyone looks at Scott expectantly.]
Scott Pilgrim: [nervous.] Um... I don't think I can hit a girl. They're soft.
Ramona V. Flowers: You don't have a choice.
[Ramona grabs Scott and uses his arms and legs to fend off Roxy's attacks.]
Roxy Richter: Fight your own battles, lazy ass! [vanishes.]
[After a few seconds Roxy rematerializes, forcing Scott and Ramona apart, and punches Scott into the rafters. He falls and lands in a pile on the ground.]
Roxy Richter: Every Pilgrim reaches the end of his journey, some sooner than others. [raises her leg in an axe kick.] Your BF's about to get F'd in the B! [brings her leg down in slow-motion.]
Ramona V. Flowers: [slow-motion.] Her weak point's the back of her knees.
Scott Pilgrim: [slow-motion.] Wait, how does that work?
Ramona V. Flowers: [slow-motion.] Whenever we were making out I would just...
Scott Pilgrim: [slow-motion.] Okay, enough!
[Scott pokes Roxy in the back of her knee. Roxy, overcome, collapses on the floor and writhes.]
Roxy Richter: You'll never... be able to do this... to heerrr...!
[Roxy explodes into coins.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scott confronts Gideon Graves, Ramona's last evil ex, at his nightclub lair, the Chaos Theatre.]
Gideon Graves: You wanna fight me... for her?
Scott Pilgrim: [arch.] Was that not clear? [to the members of Sex Bob-Omb.] Was that not clear? [they shrug, mumble "I dunno".]
Gideon Graves: Now, why on earth would you wanna do... that?
Scott Pilgrim: Because I'm in love with her.
[A flaming samurai sword emerges from Scott's chest, causing him to level up.]
Narrator Voice: SCOTT EARNED THE POWER OF LOVE.
Gideon Graves: Aww, I think this deserves a song. Kimberley!!
Kim Pine: [unenthusiastically, gives Gideon the finger subtly.] We are Sex Bob-Omb. We are here to make money and sell out and stuff. One-two-three-four!
...
[After being slain by Gideon, Scott uses a 1-UP token to revive and re-enters the Chaos Theatre from the beginning.]
Comeau: [chatting to partygoers.] ... No, it's just the comic book is better than the movie...
[Scott barges past him to the stage where Sex Bob-Omb, as before, notice Scott and stop playing.]
Stephen Stills: Scott! Let it go...
Scott Pilgrim: Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. Stephen, the new line-up rocks; you guys sound better without me. Young Neil, you have learned well. From this point forward, you will be known as... Neil.
Neil: [pleasurably.] Ohh.
Scott: And Kim... [Kim raises an eyebrow.] I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about me.
[Kim, surprised, smiles at him for the first time.]
Gideon Graves: [from the other side of the club.] Scott Pilgrim! Hey, buddy!
Scott Pilgrim: Save it! You're pretentious! This club sucks! I've got beef. Let's do it.
Gideon Graves: W-w-whoa-wait! You wanna fight me... for her?
Scott Pilgrim: No. I wanna fight you for me.
[A flaming samurai sword emerges from Scott's chest, causing him to level up even higher.]
Narrator Voice: SCOTT EARNED THE POWER OF SELF-RESPECT.
Gideon Graves: [baffled.] Umm...
Scott Pilgrim: KIM!
Kim Pine: WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB AND WE'RE HERE TO WATCH SCOTT PILGRIM KICK YOUR TEETH IN!! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR!!
[Sex Bob-Omb starts playing an upbeat rock song.]
[Obliterating all of the hipster henchmen faster than before, Scott rushes towards Gideon. They lunge at each other, swords drawn. Scott slashes Gideon across the shoulder, who tumbles to the ground.]
Scott Pilgrim: [landing.] How's it going back there?
Gideon Graves: You... dick! [slumps.]
Scott Pilgrim: [calling for Knives.] Knives? I know you're in here. Don't attack Ramo---
Knives Chau: SCOTT!!!
[They all turn around, as Knives down-kicked Ramona in the head.]
Knives Chau: Steal my boyfriend!, Taste my steel! [Prepares to attack Ramona, but Scott stops her.]
Scott Pilgrim: Enough!
Knives Chau: No, Scott. [kicks Scott in the head.] This fat-ass hurt me and I will have my revenge!
Scott Pilgrim: No, Knives! I hurt you. I cheated on you. [Scott turns to each of the girls. Ramona gets up.] I cheated on both of you. I'm really sorry. [turns to Ramona.] And you're not a fat-ass. She didn't mean that. So... are we all good?
[The chip on the back of Ramona's neck fizzles.]
Ramona Flowers: Never better.
Gideon Graves: Yoo-hoo.
[They all turn to Gideon.]
Gideon Graves: Are we done with the hugging and the learning? [puts gum in his mouth.] I thought we had a fight going on here!
Scott Pilgrim: Oh, You've got a fight, all right!
[Scott prepares himself.]
Gideon Graves: Wrong move, baby.
[Gideon summons his sword, and they begin to fight.]
...
[Gideon, gravely wounded, flashes and glitches angrily.]
Gideon Graves: Who do you think you are, Pilgrim? You think you're better than me? I'll tell you what you are: a pain in my ass!! Do you know how long it took to get all the evil exes' contact information so I could form this stupid league? Like, two hours! TWO HOURS! [coughs and spits out coins.] You're not cool enough for Ramona. You're zero. Nothing! Me, I'm what's hip! I'm what's happening! I'M BLOWING UP RIGHT NOW!!
Scott Pilgrim: You are blowing up... Right now!
[Scott drop-kicks Gideon in the head, causing him to explode into a shower of coins.]
Narrator Voice: K.O.!
[Coins rain down in slow-motion.]
Knives Chau: [slow motion.] Wow!
Scott Pilgrim: [slow motion.] Yeah. Wow.
[Sex Bob-omb jump back as the mass of coins land on the stage.]
Kim Pine: [deadpan.] There goes our deal!
Stephen Stills: We're still getting paid, right?
Kim Pine: There goes... our deal.
Stephen: Oh. [panicked.] Oh, God!
[Stephen scrambles to pick up the coins; Neil picks one up and tries to eat it. Kim mimes shooting herself in the head and collapses on her drum kit.]
