Dear Ms. JK Rowling,
1. How do you feel about Snape?
2. How do you feel about parodies including Snape?
3. How about when they call him “Snake?”
4. What does Alan Rickman think of these things?
5. Did you choose Alan Rickman because he has the exact same nose as Severus?
6. Is this letter annoying you already?
7. Does Snape’s hair remind you of a hard core rocker?
8. Does Bellatrix think his hair is “absolutely adorable?”
9. What do you think about fan girls who call him “absolutely beautiful?”
10. What about fan girls that call him “sexy Sevy?”
11. What if I told you I was one of those fan girls?
12. Has Snape ever attempted to get laid?
13. Does Snape even want to?
14. Or does he want to remain lonely because of Lily?
15. Has he paid Bellatrix to get laid, turned off the lights and pretended it was Lily?
16. Did he sing Lonely Island songs to his Potions Class afterward?
17. Does he enjoy Skittles?
18. How about M&Ms?
19. Does he own shampoo?
20. What are his thoughts about Osama Bin Laden’s death?
21. About the economy?
22. About the education of muggle children?
23. Has he ever met one of his fan girls?
24. How did he feel?
25. Did the fan girl make a grab for his nuts?
26. Did he stop her?
27. Were they out in public?
28. Repeat questions 23-27 replacing with Alan Rickman and his fan girls.
29. Are you and Alan creeped out by me?
30. What if I told you I wanted to take Alan, lock him up in my closet dressed as Severus, and keep him there for eternity?
31. Will Alan now file a restraining order?
32. What does Snape think about “that mysterious ticking noise?”
33. Does he feel that they made the puppet’s nose too big?
34. Does he enjoy country music and Taylor Swift?
35. Does he sing her songs in the shower?
36. What does Snape think about Dumbledore’s “after hours” meetings?
37. When he stares at Harry’s eyes, does he think about Lily?
38. And then he catches himself staring at Harry and feels like a pervert afterward?
39. What does he think about him and Hermione being a couple?
40. Would he like to be a couple with Hermione?
41. Or would he and Bellatrix be a better pairing?
42. What does he think about people claiming Luna is his daughter?
43. Isn’t he still a virgin, so no one can be his daughter? (Or see questions 12-15)
44. Does he have wet dreams about being “Lord Gaga?”
45. Even though he’s forty two?
46. Has anyone ever told him to lay off the eye shadow?
47. Or to get a nose job?
48. What about Botox?
49. Has he ever gotten drunk off butterbeer?
50. Did he presume to make out with Professor McGonagall?
51. Did she throw up a hairball afterward?
52. Or did he throw up over her?
53. Did 51 and 52 happen at the same time?
54. Has he ever gotten high?
55. Did he take off his shirt and sing “S S S and M M M…”
56. Did Bellatrix give him what he wanted?
57. Even though he didn’t have a clue what the song meant?
58. Has he ever tried glow in the dark condoms?
59. When he says “ensnare the senses” what did he mean?
60. Is it what I think he means?
61. If it is, could he ensnare mine?
62. What does Snape think about these questions?
63. What does Snape think about me?
64. Does he call me a thunderhead?
65. Can I get detention and “punish” him for that?
66. Is my restraining order for sure now?
67. What does he think about “Always” tampons?
68. What about Bambi?
69. Does he like eating guacamole?
70. Has Voldemort ever suggested them getting together at a Mexican restaurant for a change of scenery to the regular Death Eater meetings?
71. Has he ever fantasized giving Sirius a flea collar?
72. What about Lupin?
73. Would he tell Lupin he was, indeed, Team Edward?
74. Does he refrain from doing that because he knows Lupin would tear him limb by limb?
75. If you close your eyes and listen to Snape’s voice, does it remind you of an angel?
76. Or of a sexy devil?
77. If he looks into the Mirror of Erised, would he see Lily?
78. Would she be stripping?
79. Would he watch the porn that followed?
80. When Dumbledore said “socks” was it a code word for Snape?
81. Was Snape stripping?
82. Did Snape watch Dumbledore watching the Mirror of Erised, but had no clue Dumbledore was watching him?
83. Or did he know?
84. Did he throw up the popcorn he was eating when watching Lily?
85. Has Snape ever attempted to whip his hair back and forth?
86. Or do the Bieber flip?
87. Does he own a cape because it rhymes with his name?
88. Does he wear black because it’s slimming?
89. Does he enjoy singing Kesha in front of the mirror?
90. Has he ever been tempted to sing it in front of Harry while Harry was at his detention?
91. Does he have a man crush on Lockhart?
92. Is he at war with himself for loving someone else besides Lily?
93. Does he brush his hair in the morning?
94. Is he too sexy for his shirt?
95. So sexy it hurts?
96. Has he ever tried to poison Ron because he doesn’t like orange?
97. Does that last question even make sense?
98. Do any of these questions?
99. Will Snape now hunt me down and try to Avada Kedavra me?
100. Does he have the feeling of what my last “request” will be?
101. Will he make it a good “request?”
Cheers and bunnies,