Scary
Feb/08/09 12:25 Filed in: claire
Thinking about Claire. Again. Can’t believe I’m writing this.
Glad nobody’s ever going to read this. Don’t think I could stand that, but I can’t talk about it, either -- not even with Michael. I mean, he’s cool, but ... yeah. Not guy talk.
Look, I’ve had my share of hookups, you know? Not a ton, but a few. And it was great and all, but there was just something ... missing, I guess. All body, no head. No heart. Truth was, I liked those girls, but I didn’t need them. When it was over, ah well, so what, you know? For the girls, too. At least, as far as I know.
But this thing with Claire, this is ... not that. Especially now. It’s a hell of a lot more.
That’s pretty damn scary, because how do I do this now, after? How do I face the fact that today I could lose her? Every day, from now on, there’s something in this world that I can’t stand to lose. That’s not just scary. That ties knots in my guts and makes me shake when I think about what she’s done, what she does every day. She doesn’t seem to get it sometimes -- she’s tough, but she can be hurt. She can die, like my sister. Like my mom.
And as much as I want to protect her, I know that there are times I can’t. Times she’ won’t let me.
How do I deal with that? How do I not die inside myself when I watch her walk out to go do something stupid for Myrnin, or Amelie? When I see her hurt?
I don’t know.
I don’t know if I can do this, but I have to do it. For her.
For both of us.
Feb/08/09 12:25 Filed in: claire
Thinking about Claire. Again. Can’t believe I’m writing this.
Glad nobody’s ever going to read this. Don’t think I could stand that, but I can’t talk about it, either -- not even with Michael. I mean, he’s cool, but ... yeah. Not guy talk.
Look, I’ve had my share of hookups, you know? Not a ton, but a few. And it was great and all, but there was just something ... missing, I guess. All body, no head. No heart. Truth was, I liked those girls, but I didn’t need them. When it was over, ah well, so what, you know? For the girls, too. At least, as far as I know.
But this thing with Claire, this is ... not that. Especially now. It’s a hell of a lot more.
That’s pretty damn scary, because how do I do this now, after? How do I face the fact that today I could lose her? Every day, from now on, there’s something in this world that I can’t stand to lose. That’s not just scary. That ties knots in my guts and makes me shake when I think about what she’s done, what she does every day. She doesn’t seem to get it sometimes -- she’s tough, but she can be hurt. She can die, like my sister. Like my mom.
And as much as I want to protect her, I know that there are times I can’t. Times she’ won’t let me.
How do I deal with that? How do I not die inside myself when I watch her walk out to go do something stupid for Myrnin, or Amelie? When I see her hurt?
I don’t know.
I don’t know if I can do this, but I have to do it. For her.
For both of us.
