I CAN SING. I CAN SING SO WELL.
1. Throw whatever training you have out the window (though being in a children's choir for five years doesn't count as "training", but whatever helps Emmy Rossum's fans sleep at night). Emmy's too good to take voice lessons, and so are you, dammit!
2. Make sure your jaw is really tense ALL the time. Emmy's jaw is always tense. I'll let you imagine why.
3. Sing through your nose. Trust me, everyone loves a nasal tone.
4. Find unique, bizarre ways to pronounce your vowels. You're too good for proper diction.
5. You must make weird sex faces when you sing, otherwise you are doing it wrong.
6. Write really godawful lyrics that make you sound like you're still in elementary school or junior high. If your songs don't sound completely cringeworthy, juvenile, basic, and simplistic, then you are doing it wrong.
7. Use the entire world's worth of auto-tune on your albums and EPs. Inside Out, Sentimental Journey, and Carol of the Bells all do this. If you don't abuse auto-tune on all your albums, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.
8. Sing with ZERO emotion. If you sound even slightly interested in what you're singing, then YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG, GODDAMN IT.
Just follow those simple steps, and you too will be link, just like Emmy!
If your mouth is open wider than this when you're singing opruh, you are doing it wrong.
