The year is 2010, and young Ariel cannot wait for the new South Park episodes to come out. Unable to cope with the wait any longer, Ariel decides to freeze herself for three weeks. But a freak avalanche makes Ariel impossible to find, and so she remains frozen for 500 years.

“Five hundred years in the future. This is terrible!” I cried, looking out a window at the foreign landscape in front of me.
    Schpeck then re-entered the room. “Ariel, we have some good news. We found an old South Park season fourteen DVD box set for you,” he said, holding the brightly colored box in his hand .
    “Really!?” I stood up, and jumped up and down. “YES! YES!”
    Just as I had it in my hands, the room started to shake. A ship blasted through the wall and people poured in, shooting at us.
    “Oh no! It’s the Unified Simpsons League! We’re at war with them!” someone shouted, and pulled me aside. The DVD box set slipped out of my hands. When I tried to go back and get it, I was just pulled back again.
    “But why are you at war with them?” I asked.
    “Because they like the Simpsons better than Family Guy! Their TV show preferences are not logical!” he answered, firing at the USL members. Just then, he was shot in the neck. The last thing he said before his head exploded was, “Oh my Family Guy.”
    I hid the best I could as the battle waged. When it was over, nearly everyone around me was dead. I saw my precious season fourteen DVD box laying on the floor...completely destroyed. All that came out of the box were shattered discs. I screamed in agony.
The Simpsons fans surrounded me.
    “I’m just a girl from the past who wants to see the new South Park episodes!” I told them.
They responded by bringing me back to their base. “Put me through to the Allied Futurama Allegiance!” said a USL member. A large screen at the front of the room then showed a sea otter. “Look, Allied Futurama Allegiance! We have the Time Child!”
    “Futurama damn you, United Simpsons League!” said the sea otter.
    “Now you see, foolish sea otters, that we are the adult cartoon show in control!” said the USL member.
    “I will smash your skull like a clam on my tummy, Time Child!” vowed the sea otter.
    Just then, the remaining Family Guy fans appeared on screen. “Give it up, Unified Simpsons League,” said one. “Just admit that Family Guy is the best show, and bring us back the Time Child!”
    “We will not! Family Guy is nothing but random jokes and stupid crap!” yelled a USL member.
    “You’re both wrong!” said the AFA otter. “We watch the best show. Futurama is better than Family Guy or the Simpsons!”
    “Futurama sucks ass!” said the FGA guy.
    “Wait a minute,” I said. Everyone was quiet. I had to think of some clever resolution to this, like in South Park. “You guys, all your shows were good enough to be on TV in the first place, so why should you argue about which one is best?”
    “If we could just have one show that we could all agree upon, there would be no more war in the world,” the FGA guy explained.
    “That’s not true,” I said. “You all would just find something else to fight over.”
    I could tell that all three sides began to consider what I was saying. I walked around as I talked so they could hear me better.
“Don’t you see? Family Guy, and the Simpsons, and Futurama are all special in their own ways. They all use different humor and characters so each show can appeal to a certain group of people,” I said. “We can argue about which show is best for a long time, but we’ll never know the answer. It’s all just a matter of opinion. We all just have to learn to get along.”
A Simpsons fan sighed. “The Time Child is right,” he said. “Where is all this fighting getting us? Let’s just enjoy our shows. To each his own, right?”
“Exactly,” said the sea otter.
“Let’s end this war,” said a Family Guy fan.
I was glad that I had brought peace to the future. “Now, is there any way I can go back to my time, please?” I asked.
“Of course,” said the AFA sea otter. “You may use our Crank and Wank Time Machine and merge with your former self. It’s all very Zen.”
I agreed without hesitation and was transported to the Allied Futurama Allegiance base.
“Remember to tell everyone in your time, Time Child, that one single animated TV show…is never the answer,” said the sea otter. I was then sent back in time to 2010, sitting in front of the TV.
“I’m back! I’m back!” I yelled.
“Ariel, you can’t just sit here flipping through the channels,” my mom said.
“I know, Mom. I have to learn to be patient,” I said, smiling. “I think I can wait three weeks for the new South Park episodes to start.”
“Three weeks?” she asked, perplexed. “It’s only August. The new episodes don’t come out for two months.”
“What!?” I asked. “Oh goddammit, they sent me back too far! Do it again, you stupid assholes!”