Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
The road to success is always under construction.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to managemeant is knowing which mules are which.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. - Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. - Jerry Garcia
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
He who laughs last didn't get it.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart. - Melanie Griffith
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin
"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back." - Al Bundy
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
The road to success is always under construction.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to managemeant is knowing which mules are which.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. - Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. - Jerry Garcia
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
He who laughs last didn't get it.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart. - Melanie Griffith
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin
"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back." - Al Bundy
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
