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posted by Lila856
Delivery
A married couple go to a hospital to get their baby delivered. The doctor says that there is a new invention that transfers some of the pain to the father but it's dangerous as no man could handle even 30% of that pain. The husband accepts the offer because he loves his wife, and the pain transfer is set to 10%. The man feels nothing at all & the wife feels less pain.
"Turn it up!" said the married man.
They turn it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. The doctor is really shocked but he says if it's working, why waste it? They turn it slowly from 30%, to 40% then to 50%. He still...
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posted by nichole22
Inside the mind of a teen that is grounded!



Alone in my room, is where I will sit,
never before had I thrown such a fit.
stories and stories, I lied through my teeth,
hoping for a glimpse at a sign of relief.

They pushed and they pushed, until I gave in,
by now I should know that I never will win.
then came the punishment, for what I had done,
whatever it is it shall not be fun.

Everything's gone, no seeing nice weather,
for these next two weeks are gunna feel like forever.
With nothing to do, god forbid I should read,
but that's what they want, never follow their lead.

Just staring at walls, my but falls...
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Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.





And now, the honorable mentions:





2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a
little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company....
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posted by meeee
These are genuine clips from British Council flat (apartment) tenants
complaining to the Council about problems with their flats

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made...
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posted by nichole22
one day i went hollywood and saw taylor lautner, made out and my friend got jelous tryed to make out with robbert pattison and told her to f-of she got angry and kicked him were the sun dont shine. me and taylor were going out then she tryed to crash thios party were in din't work and got arested and we brock her out. she went round my back and made out with taylor, i kicked HER were the sun don't shine she cryed in pain she got a gun tryed to kill me i called the cops she killed them so i used my awsome looks against her and stabed her in the eye she got pissed and killed taylor so i killed her mom. foung her in the bin kissing a rat who was biting her lip she got rabies and died. i got married to robbert and had three kids called bella, edward and jacob and lived happyliy ever after.
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. then he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."



Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

A crusty old man walks into a bank...
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posted by hm94991
I found this link - I dont take credit for it. XD-enjoy.

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."

8. Practice making fax and...
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posted by EFiltness
A relative sent this to me... I found it hilarious, I hope you do to!

'The Pasta Diet'


The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the...
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posted by rachell_32
ah, idk if i am supposed to mention this but i didn't write this! it was sent to me by email :D

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say ``oh geez, better get cracking'' and do some gibberish work.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming ``Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!''

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the surface integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through...
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Didn't know if this should be a forum or soapbox so I tossed a coin and john don't even think about commenting about the title.
Oh and got it off my cousins bebo page.




1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2)Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while,...
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posted by Lila856
"Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.

"Is this seat empty?"
"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

"So, wanna go back to my place?"
"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"


"What sign were you born under?"
"No Parking."

"I know how to please a woman."
"Then please leave me alone."


"I want to give myself to you."
"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

"Hey, baby, What's your sign?"
"Stop."

"Your body is like a temple."
"Sorry, there are no services today."

"I'd go through anything...
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Bill Gates gave a speech at a High School about eleven things they did not and will not learn in school.

He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn...
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