Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys?
Phil Wenneck: Listen, we fucked up. We lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What? We're getting married in *five hours*.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.


Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?
Stu Price: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.


Alan Garner: Hey Phil, look!
[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]
Alan Garner: He's jackin' his little weenus!
Phil Wenneck: Pull yourself together, bro!
Alan Garner: Not at the table, Carlos!


Alan Garner: [while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did you have to park so close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong?
Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.


Mr. Chow: So long, gay boys!


Black Doug: I always wondered why they were called roofies. Cause you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. They should call em floories.
Alan Garner: Or rapies.


Phil Wenneck: [his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor - don't text me, it's gay.


Mr. Chow: To-da-loo, motherfucka!


Alan Garner: Tigers love pepper... they hate cinnamon.


Phil Wenneck: Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.


Alan Garner: It would be so cool if I could breast-feed.


Stu Price: They're really a lot more mature than you think.
Phil Wenneck: [yelling from outside] Paging Doctor Faggot! Paging Doctor Faggot!
Melissa: You should probably go, Doctor Faggot.


Alan Garner: Hey what's that on your arm?
Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan Garner: Are you okay?


Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Ma'am, you have an incredible rack.
Phil Wenneck: [to himself] I should have been a fucking cop.


Alan Garner: It was really nice meeting you.
Melissa: Fuck off!
Alan Garner: You know I was thinking of getting my bartender's license
Melissa: Suck my dick!
Alan Garner: No thank you



Stu Price: [singing passionately] What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers, well then we're shit out of luck.


Mr. Chow: You wanna fuck on me?


Mr. Chow: [as Mr. Chow closes his car window slowly, his head trails the closing gap] Toodooloo mother fuckers!


Alan Garner: Godzilla destroys cities! I hate him too!


Alan Garner: No, it's a satchel... Indiana Jones has one.


Alan Garner: I don't even care if we kill someone.


Alan Garner: Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.
Lisa: I'm not sure.
Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...
Alan Garner: That'll work.


Alan Garner: I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! He destroys cities! I hate Godzilla!


Alan Garner: Oh, you know what? Next week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine.


Alan Garner: But Doc, none of us remember anything from last night. Remember?


Mr. Chow: Its funny because he's fat!



Alan Garner: Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.
[awkward laughter]
Alan Garner: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!


Sid Garner: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.
Doug Billings: Understood.
Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.


Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu Price: You found a baby before? Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.


Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.



Stu Price: I look like a nerdy hillibilly!


Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.


Phil Wenneck: Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!


Alan Garner: Hey guys, when's the next Haley's comet?
Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man.
Alan Garner: Do you know Stu?
Stu Price: I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.
Alan Garner: But it's not tonight right?
Stu Price: No I don't think so.
Alan Garner: But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley's comet.


Alan Garner: I have a question. You probably get this a lot but this isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?


Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus.


Alan Garner: It's got, ah, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor...


Mike Tyson: By the way man, where you get that cop car from?
Stu Price: We uh, stole it from these dumbass cops.
Mike Tyson: *Nice*!
[laughing]
Mike Tyson: *Nice*! High five there!... That's Nice!


Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh really?
Doug Billings: It's not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ruh-tard.
Stu Price: A what?
Alan Garner: He was a ruh-tard.
Doug Billings: [pauses to figure out what Alan was saying] *RE*tard.


Stu Price: Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!
Alan Garner: That's highly unlikely.


Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It's also illegal.
Alan Garner: It's not illegal, it's frowned upon, like... masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden!


Officer Franklin: Not you, Fat Jesus!


Woman in Elevator: Oh, how cute! What's his name?
Phil Wenneck: Ben.
Alan Garner: Carlos.


Sid Garner: Now remember, what happens in Vegas stays, in Vegas... Except herpes, that shit will come back with you.


Stu Price: Fuck!
Alan Garner: Your language is offensive.


Doug Billings: He was a bartender, and he didn't even come inside her
Stu Price: That's a good thing, she's afraid of semen.


Stu Price: [to crying baby beside him in back seat] No, don't cry, it's okay, everythings fine, don't cry...
Stu Price: [to the other guys in the front seat]
[screaming]
Stu Price: What the fuck is going on?


Mr. Chow: Whatcha talking about Willis?
[after handing over 'Black Doug']



Phil Wenneck: Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: It's not our baby.
Alan Garner: Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.


Alan Garner: Hey, does my hair look cool like Phil's?


Phil Wenneck: God damn it!
Alan Garner: Gosh darn it!
Phil Wenneck: Shit!
Alan Garner: Shoot!


Mike Tyson: Who does shit like that?


Stu Price: We don't want to call attention to ourselves!
Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Attention! Attention!


Black Doug: Hey man I can be your Doug!


Alan Garner: You probably get this a a lot, is this the real Caesar's palace?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: Did Caesar actually live here?
Lisa: No...


Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner: Thank you.


Stu Price: Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!