Starwarschick18 I liked it through I think it could of be written a tad more from Simba's POV. Other than that It rocked!

nalandtlklover i loved it !!! great job

angela121998 this is real please help me

K5-HOWL T.T

mitsu-chan soooooooooo saaaaaaaaaddd!!!!!!!!!! ^O^

boltlover omg, best movie in my head EVAR QwQ

Rawr_Cookie love it... i just wish it wasnt so saad T.T

bendaimmortal This is not flaming. This is constructive feedback in order to help you improve your writing skills. This story was posted 2 years ago so chances are you already have, but in case not or in case I manage to point out something you have not yet come to think of. And in any case, this might be help to other writers. Thank you for not using the same old Zira crap unlike the vast majority of Kopa fans do. (No offense but frankly, I'm sick of it. This way of dying was relatively refreshing.) And over-all this story's plot was well done and emotional points moving. The writing is not bad, but it could be much better and increase the story's and its emotional bits affectiveness. [i]"The sun was shining, the savannah was buzzing with the talk of a new cub. Its name was Kopa, and it was Simba and Nala’s first cub. The cub was a male, and he was very healthy. Simba and Nala were very happy."[/i] Relatively insignificant but generally considerable technical issue: perhaps leaving the character's names as the secondary matter might also work for a more smooth narrating. Like, rather than saying it's name was Kopa before we know anything else about it, you could've told us the other facts and then reveal his name in example through one of his parents calling him Kopa. And rather than saying Simba and Nala's first cub, you could say it was the king and queen's first cub and introduce their names only later. In example by having Nala call him Simba and Simba replying to her by using her name. OR again if you didn't want to do it the longer way, just saying king Simba and queen Nala's first cub, might have given the sentence more...depth? Anyway. For a more captivating storytelling you might want to approach your story's basic facts through more descriptive narrating. I think it would be especially importnat for the beginning of a story, if you wish the reader to be drawn in from the first lines on. The way thaat beginning is, is a bit too simplieifed, it's hard to see the story in my head because there's no description, you just state the facts of the situation. This same problem occures in some other scenes too, more or less. In example, you just say it's a male. This could've been first described through narrating about Kopa's looks and then after it refered to how it made the child a perfectly beautiful boy. I know there's a picture of the cub attached but nonetheless, for a reading experience, some description of outside appearences is important for creating images inside one's head instead of forcing them to remember the picture. Or if you didn't want to do it the longer, descriptive way, "The cub was a male, and it was very healthy" might sink in better if it was phrased 'The cub was a healthy male.' There's a golden guideline for forming sentences: If you can drop a word - always do. Because less is more. And no, this does not contradict the be-more-descriptive recommendation. This guideline is about keeping the sentence's structure from getting too complicated. And you just state that Simba and Nala were very happy. This fact could've been brought across while also painting an image for a reader to see. By describing Simba and Nala's expressions and emotions as they looked at Kopa. The word 'happy' wouldn't even need to be mentioned then. Because of that lack of descriptiveness at many points and stating just the most crucial facts, this comes off a little too quick-paced, as if you were more eager to get to the death and what came after it than you were to tell a whole story. Even for a story which point is to tell the death of a person, it would do good to tell more about how they lived. To create different kind of situations in order to enable the reader to get emotionally attached to the chaeacrer [i]before[/i] the character dies. In this story, it's unlikely to happen for those whose first touch with Kopa is this fanfiction story. [i]"Nala called him “her little angel”, and Simba smiled and said “you will be king one day.”"[/i] This is half pure narrator's point of view and half in-story point of view and that really doesn't work. I would recommend sticking to the in-story viewpoint. Like this; "My little angel", Nala said. "One day you will be the king", Simba said, smiling. ^ And again, more description would do no harm as it's important to know what they are doing as they said those things to him, even if it was just looking at him. And if wishing to increase the emotional affectiveness, also description of their emotions and expressions. The quick-paced tone shows also in how you describe Kopa as a few weeks old and then in the next paragraph you go into the day of his death. This gives the impression he died at the age of few weeks, and I'm quite sure you did not mean him to. In fact I think it would be quite unrealistic if he was practicing puouncing at that youn age. Whereas that of course does in itself say that time has passed since the previous paragraph, it would be essential to put it into the story, how much time / what age Kopa was that day. That could be easily done by starting the paragraph "One day, when Kopa was ____ old..." It would still be quick-paced but at least it would be less confusing. [i]"Simba ran to the side, panicking, he shouted “Hold on Kopa!” as he reached for Kopa’s paw. Simba held on, and told Zazu to go get help. Visions of his father, falling to his death raced through Simba’s head. Simba was telling Kopa to reach for his paw, and that he will pull him to safety. Just as he got a grip onto Kopa, a wind blew, and blew dust into Simba’s eyes. Simba tried to hold on, but he could not get a grip. As Kopa slipped out of his paws, he began to fall. As he fell, Kopa shouted to Simba “I love you”"[/i] See here you got quite descriptive and this is a really good piece of a story. Because you obviously were able to do this but didn't until this death point, it's quite obvious you were more interested in telling the death and not the story in whole. :) I loved that bit though. Very emotional and well imagined scene. But it could've been even more emotional if you had actually put all those lines into their mouths instead of refering to that they said them. Because then we would've heard them speak instead of just knowing that they did. And if [i]"“Hold on Kopa!” as he reached for Kopa’s paw."[/i] said 'as he reached for his son's paw' and if [i]"As he fell, Kopa shouted to Simba “I love you”"[/i] said 'Kopa shouted to his father "I love you!" Because that way we would've been as closely as possible, reminded that it was not just two random persons but a father trying to save his son. Especially as you used the wonderful phrasing "slipped out of his paws". I would've liked better if that "I love you" as he was falling were his last words. That he was still alive but dying when Simba found him was good in all its brutality and darkness but the two lines took a little bit of its effectivenss away, for me anyway. Especially as the other line was copied from Nuka instead of being original and the other was just a repeared I-love-you. Sometimes silence has more emotional affect than spoken words and to me, having a child confess his love for his parent as he falls to his death remaining the last time the parent hears the child's voice, is more affective than dying words. [i]"...and in one of those clouds, was a [b]sad[/b] Mufasa."[/i] I'm sad when my friend's loved one dies or when I hear of an accident happened to a child or someone I have a general/distant emotional bond with. But if it's my own family...not to mention that yuoung and dying that way... My point; I would rather imagine Mufasa looking downright sorrowful and heart-broken and in agony. After all he just witnessed his own grandchild die an ugly death [i]and[/i] is witnessing his own precious son crying at his little boy's lifeless body. Same with the "image of very sad Mufasa" when Simba shouts out to him, blaming him. I by the way loved that too. That Simba balmed his father in believing that he could've prevented it from happening, and how Mufasa then points out that he has no power ovet such matters and encourages his son to remain strong. Having Mufasa adress Simba by his name, was also very well thought of. But I think two appearences from ghost-Kopa was too much for a story this short. Even if one of the appearences was a more mysterious dream-appearence. I would've left out that first one, as in had him contact his parents only through the dream, which I by the way loved. Had a similar experience myself with my sister who passed away years ago. [i]“Do not be sad, and don’t blame yourself. I am in a better place.” “And remember, I will always love you daddy”[/i] and [i]“Everything is fine, and everything will work out in the end” “I love you father, goodbye”[/i]... ...I feel are too formally phrased for words for such a personal and emotional situation. "Do not" instead of "don't" and "I am" instead of "I'm" and why does he suddenly call him "father" when earlier he said "daddy"? And in general those lines might have been more emotional if phrased more childlikely. And for the in-story viewpoint also the usage of the words "male" and "cub" may not be the best possible choices. At least if used much. No, I don't think it's a flaw or anything but I'm again thinking of the emotional matters. Because you're not narrating a nature documentary for educational purposes but a fictional story about lions who are basically human and we don't call our children cubs and rarely use the terms "female" and "male". So, using the terms "boy" and "child" might suit the story of these specific lions better. I know Simba told Zira "You and your young cub - get out." But most of the time they refered to their and others' cubs as sons and daughters, or children. In fact I don't recall those animal-kingdom-terms used at all in The Lion King. I was actually surprised to hear Simba use the word "cub" in Simba's Pride. I love also how you described Simba and Nala feel connected to Kopa at his funeral. Awesome! But that scene is one point where the usage of the word "cub" sticks out. It gave the emotion of "Oh, a lioness parting with her cub" instead of "oh how sad, a mother saying goodbye to her only child". I also liked the idea that Nala was pregnant with Kiara before Kopa died but unaware of it and how Kopa had implied it in the dream. But...perhaps descriping Simba and Nala's emotions more complex for the matter would've been nice. After all it was only a day after the death of their first child. In order to be really happy and encouraged by a potential birth of a new child, a parent should've first accepted and remarkably healed from the loss of the first one. The last line of thsi story contradicts the film's content and proves that it indeed is impossible for there to have been a lost child before Kiara. Simba and Nala don't talk about Kopa at all and Simba doesn't even dream of anyone but Mufasa's death. So...yeah. Good story over-all, some very nice ideas and scenes, but there was a lot to improve.

kelly4022 i'm a new person but why did kopa have to die it is so sad they could at least made a movie on it

kelly4022  big fan of the lion king

lol12345678101 this was awesome but one thing im just telling my opinion im not telling u to make it again but i wish it was longer and about how he grew up.

Lionlove123 cried in the end OMG NOT AGEN

boytoy_84 Nice and It's sad to lose a child like that. good work.

Creatanimal Whoah, bendaimmortal, that's the longest comment on Fanpop I've ever seen!

Creatanimal Very good story.

leelee97777 Also this is very sad I loved it

Ivystorm14 this was amazing

Kiara_thats_it This is so sad, but I am confused. If Kopa died, then who attacked Kovu and is now mated with Vitani? (They are talking about having cubs)