-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when you speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! You aren’t supposed to reply when I tell you about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: You were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t you use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is more dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let you see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Bella: You won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from you a year ago! If you are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: You can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to show you.
Bella: Why won’t you sleep with me?! Do you hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The next day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! You just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did you do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car by tomorrow, though, or else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If you don’t want me to stalk you tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer or not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The next day at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But you don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: You want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Mike: I dunno. The author of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic or witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: You sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while you go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: You have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if you wanna get laid I don’t want to see you as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Bella: That’s not going to help you get some, either.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told you were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who said that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if you ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn you and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going home now.
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him by being with you so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: Hey Eddie!
Edward: Did you give him the quarter?
Edward: You got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. You can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The next day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! You keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over you for the next couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR EMO AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN YOU NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One hour later-
Rosalie: Hey Bella! Just came in here to tell you why I would rather choke kittens and then eat their flesh before making you officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if you pitied me you would feel bad and do things my way. Do you sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: By asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. Vampires can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill you before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
-The next night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from Christmas Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The next day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. Or the Easter Bunny.
Bella: Or the Volturi. Or an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want you to choose me. I love you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, you do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make you love me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape you yet, god. You have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t you be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take you home now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz or someone else who could give you all the answers?
Alice: No. You look more like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess YOU should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on emo boy.
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save you from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to wolf boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: Hey Bella! I got you a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! You -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a wolf on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that you –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do you have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something you have to tell me?
Jacob: Yes there is! You are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn vampires coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn vampires coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: You don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what YOU think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of knife fights before, I have the most experience fighting than you lame ass pacifists. So, I’ll teach you guys how to knife our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. Show us how to go all second-hand emo on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: Hey Bella? Will you marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do you do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts by the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out by banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five minutes later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: Or at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: You can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in love with Jacob.
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my heart flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, you know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can you give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: Hey Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! You have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! You make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those previous .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: You need to kiss me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have you seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did you see those muscles? Wait, are you gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He said the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 minutes later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would you know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I said never held hands with a GIRL.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for you to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Edward: That’s what she said. You know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes you are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? You agree with me?
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because you are in love with another man while you are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know you are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in love with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do you hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because you are a stupid and wimpy human.
Edward: Oh, and by the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five minutes later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did you pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan or something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do you understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: Hey Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force you into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think you want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!