just a short thing I typed up
I had decided that I would never truly be happy. It was an impossibility not only because I was a vampire, after all Peter and Charlotte seemed happy. In her own way, even Maria was happy. My situation was something else. My past? My abilities? Peter and I had slimier pasts but it had been worse for me. I’d been sucked in further. I had believed Maria’s lies. And I had felt the pain of my victims. Peter could ignore that. I couldn’t.
I was preparing to feed when I realized my victim was no longer alone. He was joined by a girl his age and they smiled at each other. I could feel their love and it was stronger than average. The girl walked away (she had to buy some last minute ingredients for dinner tonight) and the man sighed quietly. I could have attacked but I didn’t. Attacking this man, feeding, wouldn’t make me any happier whereas this man, if he lived, had a decent chance at real happiness. Part of me felt bitter: if I can’t be happy why should he? But I still decided not to. Me being uncomfortable was a sacrifice for the greater good. The one for the many. I was thirsty though. My eyes were black. Yet I decided to try not to destroy anyone’s world in an effort to make mine more bearable. My world would never be worth living in and maybe I could achieve some degree of pleasure, or rather escape from my pain, just by watching others happiness. Not a lot of escape just a small distraction. But it didn't last long. Two days. I had to feed. It was my very nature. So I tried to feed only on the depressed. Those who would rather not be alive anyway. I fed only when I had to, but I found my willpower was not as strong as I'd thought. Not as strong as it should be. That only added to my misery.
I had gone awhile now: almost three months of trying to deny myself only to fail. My eyes were black again. My plan to borrow happiness had failed. I would gravitate toward a happy human, but human emotions change all to soon. People were staring at me now. I’d been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t realized that it was now pouring rain. I walked hesitantly into a diner, wondering if I would cave.
As soon as I stepped inside I had bigger problems. Another vampire. She walked right to me. An attack? I could win. She was tiny. I didn't want to fight the little thing though. Then I caught her emotions. It felt like walking out of a storm and into a sunny place. This was more than the highs humans sometimes felt. Her lower lip pouted out slightly "You've kept me waiting a long time" she scolded. Well, it had been more. Now I'd ruined it and though I didn't know how I felt deeply ashamed. I must have done something terribly wrong. My head fell and I felt sick "I'm sorry ma'am" I managed. Wait! Her emotions hadn't changed. She wasn't truly angry, she was even amused by my response. She wasn't angry, she wasn't angry, she wasn't angry! I hadn't destroyed this lovely girl even for a moment. She held out her hand to me and I took it. I wondered too late if that was overly bold on my part. Yet I knew she would not scold me again and for that I was grateful. Her happiness climbed slightly when I touched her. Was it possible that I could in any way make her happy? Make this beauty happy? Life had meaning. I had hope.