Jared: Hey Wikipedia, you sure we’re not lost? o_____O
Wikipedia: Of course not! :D As long as we don’t lose this map here, we’ll be fine!
*Map Flies Away*
Jared: YOU NIMROD! NOW what are we going to do?
Jared: Wait a minute….. WHAT’S HAPPENING!? THE DIMENSIONS ARE TWISTING! D:
Wikipedia and Jared: NOOOOOOOO *FLASH*
Windwakerguy430: What the fuck!? What are you doing in my house?
Wikipedia: It's no big deal, just a rip of the fabric in space and time. :) It happens.
Windwakerguy430: Okay then. Well, since you’re already here, want to help me with my list?
Jared: *Pushes Wikipedia* SURE!
Windwakerguy430: Good. Also, rules. Only one game per franchise, only from games that we have played. And only from video games. Because why not. So, let’s start the list
#10: Hungry Lumas from Super Mario Galaxy
WWGuy: For number 10, we have the hungriest Luma ever. Seriously. This guy won't even let you PASS until you feed him. That is some serious dedication
Jared: And if you thought that alone was bad, there's more. ;)"
Windwakerguy430: Yeah, there’s more alright. Not only is there one, or two, but FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! You gotta feed fourteen of these fat bastards.
Jared: Star Bits must be REALLY FREAKING tasty if they want them that much. Who knows, maybe they taste like chicken! =D I guess the world will never know.
Windwakerguy430: Yeah, they must be, otherwise we wouldn't have to feed them literally HUNDREDS OF THE DAMN THINGS! Thank god they're everywhere, so we can 100% complete this game by the next millennium.
Jared: Seriously, WHO ELSE did you think it was going to be, my pillow?
Jared: Wait a minute..... Where'd all my food go?
Jared: UH HERE'S THE MIC WIND. *Runs Away*
Windwakerguy430: Well that was a thing
#9: Capelle from Infinite Undiscovery
Windwakerguy430: So, how many of you remember Infinite Undiscovery? None of you, as expected. Yeah, this is definitely one of Square Enix’s lesser known games. However, it’s still a fun game. But it’s not fun when you play as little sissy boy Capelle here. Goddamn flute playing pansy son of a bitch! But enough about that. Capelle… is a weird guy. But what makes him weird is that he loves to eat. Now, that shouldn’t be too weird… except for when he makes it weird. And trust me, he makes it WEIRD! When Capelle and his group are offered dinner after saving a small town from monsters, Capelle does the reasonable thing… He goes to dancing children and starts dancing with them, while singing about dinner. This is easily more disturbing than anything Square Enix has ever put in Final Fantasy, and that’s saying something. The sad thing is that this wasn’t intentional. This was meant to be funny, but all it did was make Capelle look like a damn idiot. Also, whenever you are out in the field, Capelle can cook food for the group. Yes… in the field… away from civilization… where monsters could attack them…. WHY ARE YOU THE MAIN CHARACTER AGAIN!
#8. Zombies (Plants VS Zombies) (Commentary By Deathding)
For my first entry I’m picking these guys, the zombies from Popcap’s hit series Plants VS Zombies. And MAN do they love their veggies seriously. Most zombies eat meat or humans, but the zombies from this series just want your crops.
And this is yet another reason I’ll never have a garden.
And if you thought walking slowly was the most terrifying thing these guys can do, THEN THINK AGAIN SALLY! They find all kinds of junk that work surprisingly well as armor, as well as weapons. So the next time you see a zombie with a bucket on your head you might want to take it more seriously.
SERIOUSLY. THOSE THINGS WILL KICK YOUR ACE. THEY TAKE HITS FOR YEARS AND GO RIGHT THROUGH YOUR DEFENSES LIKE THEY AIN’T NO THING. And don’t even get me STARTED on the Football Zombies, which have the defense of a bucket zombie AND the speed of THE FREAKING ROADRUNNER.
Again, this is why I’ll never own a garden. Thanks Popcap! ^___^
#7: Niko Bellic from Grand Theft Auto IV
Windwakerguy430: Yeah, Niko. Imagine that. The same Niko who gunned down hundreds of rival gangs and mobsters, stole and sold drugs, killed countless people, and that one time, punched a girl in the face. You may be wonder what in the name of god any of this has to do with Niko loving food… Well, I’ll tell you. Have you ever noticed that when you get shot, your health depletes at the speed of Sonic the goddamn Hedgehog? Well, thankfully, only one thing can save you. Not medicine like in Red Dead Redemption. Not painkillers like in Max Payne. NO! Instead, it’s a hotdog… a hotdog… What the hell? Are you not feeling alright? Are those pesky police officers putting bullets in your body? Then come on down to a local hotdog vendor and he will heal you right up. If this was a real thing, the hospitals would lose their mind.
#6. Donkey Kong (Donkey Kong) (Commentary By Deathding)
Here’s an obligatory entry for the list that you most likely saw coming a mile away. DK is a classic video game character who, you guessed it, really loves bananas.
Rare In The 90’s: Here’s to being cliche! =D *Cheers*
Donkey Kong is an ape that, in the video games, gets all of his precious fruits taken away by King K. Rool and his evil army of reptiles. The DK Country games all did very well in sales and are some of the most classic games on the SNES. The graphics, sound, pretty much EVERYTHING was very ahead of it’s time. Heck, even in 2015 it’s hard not to enjoy it.
It’s a very difficult trilogy to beat though, ESPECIALLY for those crazy completionists out there. Trust me when I say you’ll be tearing your own hair out before you even reach the 4th Zone.
AND OH GOD. THE STAGE IN DKC1 BEFORE THE BUMBLE BEE BOSS. THAT LEVEL CAN ROT IN HELL.
Let me just give the mic to Wind before I lose my mind. o____O
#5: Frank West from Dead Rising
Windwakerguy430: Ah yes, Frank West. He’s covered wars, you know. He’s also my pick for a guy who could easily win an all you can eat contest without trying. Sure, he may be just like Niko, seeing as he can eat food and heal himself. But here is the thing. Yes, he can eat a hot dog and heal all of his wounds. But Niko is only shot. Frank is shot, stabbed, sliced, punched, eaten by a damn zombie, electrocuted, blown up, and run over by a crazed Hispanic man. That is far more damage than Niko takes in a day. Not to mention, Frank can eat a hotdog… and a pie, and a pizza, and a lobster, and a steak, and drink down an entire gallon of milk all within the course of two seconds. I could put Chuck Greene from the second game on her, but Chuck gets sick when he drinks too much alcohol. Not Frank. He guzzles that stuff down like a champ. All I can say is that Frank has some damn good metabolism.
#4. Lan Hikari (Megaman Battle Network) (Commentary By Deathding)
Oh boy, where do I even start with Lan. This guy eats things so fast he puts the MACHINES to shame, seriously. In the games he’s your typical hero who stops the WWW from taking over the Cybernet, but virus busting isn’t the only thing he loves to do.
And if you couldn’t already guess from the title of this article, it’s eating. And holy christ, IS THIS GUY’S STOMACH A BLACK HOLE?
I mean yeah, he DOES get full eventually, but making Lan stuffed is just as difficult as carrying fifty books with your pinky, IT JUST DOESN’T HAPPEN.
And I know this is kind of cheating for also talking about the anime in a video-game list, but in one episode of the Megaman Network Warrior anime he goes to this place that sells UNLIMITED curry. You want to know how many dishes he had? Eighty.
Let me repeat that, EIGHTY GIANT PLATES FULL OF CURRY. HOW IS THIS KID STILL ALIVE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I’d get full after TWO plates, but EIGHTY!? I’m done. I’m freaking done. *Throws mike at Wind*
#3: Naked Snake from Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
Windwakerguy430: That’s right. Snake, one of the most badass characters in gaming can’t keep his hands off food. Though some of you may not notice it at first, it all takes place in MGS3. Sure, Snake is able to fight off a whole bunch of crazy characters, like a man who fights with bees, an astronaut with a flamethrower, and a man who conducts electricity. However, none of that compares to Snake’s battle with hunger. Thoughtout the game, you will find dozens of small animals in the jungle, like frogs, fish, and of course, snakes. So, naturally, you need to eat them… Again, and again, and again. Catch them, kill them, save them. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you got to eat them. Hell, if you feed Snake rotten food enough times, he’ll actually enjoy it after a while. Of course, you could ignore this… That is until Snake’s stomach gives away his location. I am not kidding, the enemies will actually find Snake if his stomach growls. And he gets hungry in like an hour. Kinda contradicts the whole survival thing when your stomach can’t stay satisfied for thirty minutes.
#2. Kirby (Kirby) (Commentary By Deathding)
HOLY SWEET MERCIFUL MOTHER OF NATURE, HOW IN THE NAME OF JESUS ON A SILVER PLATTER CAN THIS THING EAT SO MUCH!?
YOU THOUGHT LAN WAS BAD, THIS THING’S STOMACH IS A BLACK HOLE. I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING. IS YOUR STOMACH A BLACK HOLE? NO YOU LOSER!
THIS THING COULD EAT THE VERY FABRIC OF REALITY AND STILL BE HUNGRY. KIRBY COULD SWALLOW THE ENTIRETY OF THE MILKY WAY GALAXY AND STILL NOT BE SATISFIED. BECAUSE KIRBY ISN’T JUST A MACHINE, HE’S SOMETHING STRAIGHT OUT OF A HORROR MOVIE.
WHITNEY HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
AND IF YOU THOUGHT THINGS STILL COULDN’T ANY WORSE, THIS NEXT SENTENCE IS FOR YOU.
KIRBY HAS THE ABILITY TO CREATE A GIANT FLYING VORTEX OF DEATH TO SUCK IN ANYTHING IN HIS WAY, AND THIS BROKEN ABILITY IS ENHANCED BY THE POWER OF THE SUPERNOVA FRUIT.
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE KIRBY WALKING AROUND THE VILLAGE, YOU BETTER FREAKING RUN.
#1: Pac-Man from Pac-Man
Windwakerguy430: Oh, of course it was going to be Pac-Man. His entire game and SERIES is based around eating pellets. You NEED to eat in order to get through the level
Jared: SERIOUSLY, walk up to ANY random person and ask them if they know who Pac-Man is. 99% of the time they'll say yes, I guarantee it. Not only is Pac-Man popular, he's really the ORIGINAL hungry video-game character, so of course he's number one.
Windwakerguy430: Every single thing in front of Pac-Man. Pellets, cherries, strawberries, pretzels, even ghosts. Circle of life, motherfucker
Jared: And Hell, even KIRBY had limits. Whenever he ate a lot of food, although he still wasn't full, he would generally act like a stuffed person. But Pac-Man? He'll eat your soul and walk away like it ain't no thing. Even GHOSTS, PARANORMAL DEMONS OF THE DARK, MURDERERS, PSYCHOPATHS, THEY'RE ALL AFRAID OF PAC-MAN.
Windwakerguy430: Yeah. If Pixels was a good movie (Which it isn't) Pac-Man would be goddamn terrifying in reality. I doesn't matter if he is a bunch of squares on an arcade machine, he can eat so much. Forever. Sweet Jesus
Jared: And that's why Pac-Man is #1 on our Top 10 Hungriest Characters In Gaming. Thanks for reading our Thanksgiving special! (Even though it's nowhere near thanksgiving. XD)
Windwakerguy430: Well, Jared. You were pretty good at this list making thing
Jared: Hah, you ain't bad yourself. :) Well, Wikipedia and I better get going! See you later Wind, maybe we'll do another collaboration someday. Isn't that right Wikipedia? =D
Wikipedia: Before the 20th century, the term "matter" included ordinary matter composed of atoms and excluded other energy phenomena such as light or sound. This concept of matter may be generalized from atoms to include any objects having mass even when at rest, but this is ill-defined because an object's mass can arise from its (possibly massless) constituents' motion and interaction energies.
Jared: UH, WE BETTER GO NOW. O______O
Windwakerguy430: (Thank god they’re finally gone. I really need to stop having random people rip through the space time continuum into my house)
(Deathding/Jared: Hope you enjoyed regardless! Don't forget to fan and favorite this list if you liked it, and special thanks to Wind for letting me collaborate with him! Although to be fair, it was my idea. ;D)