I love Resident Evil so much. Resident Evil introduced all to the horror genre. Resident Evil 2 had the perfect sense of horror. Resident Evil 3 gave us Nemesis. Resident Evil Remake pretty much perfected the horror genre. Resident Evil 4 was the best thing ever made. And everything else is either bad or no one cares about it. So naturally, Hollywood, being Hollywood, wanted to cash in on the franchise, despite not knowing what they were working on. What could go wrong. Everything! Everything could go wrong….. Here’s the Resident Evil movie.
So, the movie follows a group of soldiers who are not the S.T.A.R.S. Bravo Team. No Chris, Jill, Albert, or even fucking BARRY! Nope, instead you get…. Blonde girl with amnesia, stereotypical villain, … guy, tough girl, and a bunch of other people who are there just to be killed off and have no personality or point in the story. They go to the Spencer Mansion because they have heard that underneath it is the Hive, a large underground facility that is hidden underneath, not the mansion, but all of Raccoon City, and no one seemed to notice until just now. They are told that the Hive is contaminated with a virus that must be contained before it is released onto the city. So, they must go in there and not die (Which is practically impossible), before…. Something happens. The movie didn’t make me care enough to know.
First off, nothing in this movie feels like Resident Evil. Nothing at all. Even down to the monsters in it. First off, you get to see the top of the mansion for a total of three minutes. Two minutes at the beginning and one minute at the end. The rest of the movie is set in the underground lab. There’s no mansion, no courtyard, no backyard house, no underground shark tank, no mine, just the lab. And it is the most generic looking lab possible. It just looks all dull and boring. Not even a bunch of aging walls and technology to show the age of the facility. It just looks boring as hell. Oh, but don’t worry, at least we got zombies. Zombies that look unthreatening as hell. They just lumber around and… hiss? Yeah, they hiss. They don’t moan, they hiss. Like goddamn snakes. I can at least say the make-up looks good… At least better than the Lickers. If you look at the Lickers, you will notice something. They look ugly as hell. The CGI for them looks so dated, it makes The Phantom Menace look good with it’s CGI. It just looks so bad that it makes you laugh. Not scared, laugh. And that’s the worst thing a horror movie could do. But when it shows the zombified dogs, at least they put makeup on the dog instead of just making poorly done CGI. I can at least give the movie credit there.
But at least the acting’s good, right- No. No, nothing in this movie is good. The acting feels so forced and so boring that it just gets old really fast. Everyone talks like they are giving orders, or are giving out the biggest amount of exposition possible. The thing that made the first Resident Evil good was that it always showed you what was going on, but never told you. This movie tells you like it’s the manual of understanding this movie. Everything is always told. The Hive, the villain, the virus, the characters goddamn shoe size. It might as well. It explains everything else in this movie. This film has no idea how to do subtlety. Oh, you gave a character amnesia, good for you. Anymore cliched ideas you have for this movie, or do you think you’ve filled this movie with enough overused writing material?
This movie is barely a horror movie. The characters are always firing their guns, there is always loud blaring electronic music playing in the background to make it look cool, monsters are always being killed in over the top ways. This isn’t a horror movie. It’s an action movie with horror elements. And by horror elements, I mean it’s got zombies. And that’s all there is to it. Nothing else. Resident Evil 4 was more of a horror game than this. While it’s an amazing game, it’s not really scary, but it at least had the Regenerators. What the hell does the Resident Evil movie have? Bad CGI Lickers and hissing zombies. That’s about it. Congratulations on your stunning monsters. It could rival even Gingerdead Man. Nah, that’s giving this movie too much credit.
It’s clear that I really hate this movie. Not because it’s bad, which it is. Not because it has nothing to do with Resident Evil (I mean, it’s a videogame movie. What was anyone expecting). But, because it is one of the most boring movies I have ever seen. That’s the movies biggest flaw. It’s boring. And if a movie is boring, that is the worst thing you could be. At least if a movie is bad, people will talk about how bad it is so it gets recognized. Any publicity is good publicity. This movie is just boring as hell. But, I must be the only one, because this movie has FIVE sequels and is still going. They say there on the final chapter, but, it’s Hollywood. They said that Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Friday the 13th, and Nightmare on Elm Street ended, yet they continued. So, I think we haven’t seen the last of the Resident Evil movies, unfortunately. Take care.
Next on October Movie Marathon: Big ass bugs
So, the movie follows a group of soldiers who are not the S.T.A.R.S. Bravo Team. No Chris, Jill, Albert, or even fucking BARRY! Nope, instead you get…. Blonde girl with amnesia, stereotypical villain, … guy, tough girl, and a bunch of other people who are there just to be killed off and have no personality or point in the story. They go to the Spencer Mansion because they have heard that underneath it is the Hive, a large underground facility that is hidden underneath, not the mansion, but all of Raccoon City, and no one seemed to notice until just now. They are told that the Hive is contaminated with a virus that must be contained before it is released onto the city. So, they must go in there and not die (Which is practically impossible), before…. Something happens. The movie didn’t make me care enough to know.
First off, nothing in this movie feels like Resident Evil. Nothing at all. Even down to the monsters in it. First off, you get to see the top of the mansion for a total of three minutes. Two minutes at the beginning and one minute at the end. The rest of the movie is set in the underground lab. There’s no mansion, no courtyard, no backyard house, no underground shark tank, no mine, just the lab. And it is the most generic looking lab possible. It just looks all dull and boring. Not even a bunch of aging walls and technology to show the age of the facility. It just looks boring as hell. Oh, but don’t worry, at least we got zombies. Zombies that look unthreatening as hell. They just lumber around and… hiss? Yeah, they hiss. They don’t moan, they hiss. Like goddamn snakes. I can at least say the make-up looks good… At least better than the Lickers. If you look at the Lickers, you will notice something. They look ugly as hell. The CGI for them looks so dated, it makes The Phantom Menace look good with it’s CGI. It just looks so bad that it makes you laugh. Not scared, laugh. And that’s the worst thing a horror movie could do. But when it shows the zombified dogs, at least they put makeup on the dog instead of just making poorly done CGI. I can at least give the movie credit there.
But at least the acting’s good, right- No. No, nothing in this movie is good. The acting feels so forced and so boring that it just gets old really fast. Everyone talks like they are giving orders, or are giving out the biggest amount of exposition possible. The thing that made the first Resident Evil good was that it always showed you what was going on, but never told you. This movie tells you like it’s the manual of understanding this movie. Everything is always told. The Hive, the villain, the virus, the characters goddamn shoe size. It might as well. It explains everything else in this movie. This film has no idea how to do subtlety. Oh, you gave a character amnesia, good for you. Anymore cliched ideas you have for this movie, or do you think you’ve filled this movie with enough overused writing material?
This movie is barely a horror movie. The characters are always firing their guns, there is always loud blaring electronic music playing in the background to make it look cool, monsters are always being killed in over the top ways. This isn’t a horror movie. It’s an action movie with horror elements. And by horror elements, I mean it’s got zombies. And that’s all there is to it. Nothing else. Resident Evil 4 was more of a horror game than this. While it’s an amazing game, it’s not really scary, but it at least had the Regenerators. What the hell does the Resident Evil movie have? Bad CGI Lickers and hissing zombies. That’s about it. Congratulations on your stunning monsters. It could rival even Gingerdead Man. Nah, that’s giving this movie too much credit.
It’s clear that I really hate this movie. Not because it’s bad, which it is. Not because it has nothing to do with Resident Evil (I mean, it’s a videogame movie. What was anyone expecting). But, because it is one of the most boring movies I have ever seen. That’s the movies biggest flaw. It’s boring. And if a movie is boring, that is the worst thing you could be. At least if a movie is bad, people will talk about how bad it is so it gets recognized. Any publicity is good publicity. This movie is just boring as hell. But, I must be the only one, because this movie has FIVE sequels and is still going. They say there on the final chapter, but, it’s Hollywood. They said that Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Friday the 13th, and Nightmare on Elm Street ended, yet they continued. So, I think we haven’t seen the last of the Resident Evil movies, unfortunately. Take care.
Next on October Movie Marathon: Big ass bugs