Chapter Six

*Brooke*

When I was a child I use to have a lot of sleepless nights, ones where I stayed up waiting for a kiss goodnight that never came, or wondered why my parents didn’t seem to love me like other parents, or nights where I was kept awake by their yelling and screaming, and I wondered why they couldn’t love each other. As a teenager my sleepless nights were for a different reason – parties, boys, parties, and more boys.

There have always been reasons to stop me sleeping, then I moved into this house and I seemed to get a whole new life. New home, new chance at love, new family, and a lot of good nights, and it felt so good. I had that for four years. Then my nights got shorter again.

Tonight sleep hasn’t come at all, I tossed and turned and I really did try but sleep won’t claim me. Last night just took so much out of me. The way Abby spoke, as if it’s already too late.

Next to me Lucas’ warm body sleeps peacefully, and a part of me wonders how he can sleep so soundly, another part of me is just grateful to have his still figure wrapped around me without having to worry about him as well. I envy him his sleep. What dream is his escape? I wish I could just close my eyes and enter a different world, one where my son is healthy, and my children are safe and happy, one where we are all together without burdens.

After tossing and turning some more I carefully creep out of Lucas’ hold and make my way out of our room and through the house. Curiosity gets the better of me and my feet instinctively go straight to Abby’s room. The door is wide open and the light from outside sends a pale glow through the room allowing me to see the unmade bed is empty. Abby’s soft blue room is a mix of a little girl and a blossoming teenager, for example there aren’t as many stuffed toys as there use to be, the remaining ones all have more of a sentimental purpose than anything else. Sometimes it’s not what you keep, but why you keep it. I shake my head and turn away from the room, already knowing in my heart where I will find my daughter, and sure enough when I walk by Keith’s room I see them both on his bed, Abby with her head resting on Keith’s chest. At first I think they are both sleeping, and I have every intention of stepping quietly into the room and covering them with a rug before kissing them goodnight. I failed to say goodnight to them earlier, the pain of that makes me pause at the door, and before I get the chance to follow through with my intention, I hear Keith’s quiet voice.

“I don’t blame you”

For a second I think he’s talking to me, my heart freezes, I lift a hand to my chest and prepare to respond and then Abby’s whisper echoes through the silent room, “but if it wasn’t for me-”

“Abs, promise me you won’t ever give up, promise me”

“Keith… please”

“I can take it if you don’t want to be my sister anymore, but I don’t think I’d be able survive you not being my friend” my son says back, sounding so young and small for his fifteen years. He still is so young; he deserves to have a full life with endless possibilities, not this half existence he’s been forced with so far, I just want to be able to give him a chance to do everything he wants to do.

They don’t know I’m there so I backtrack and quickly go downstairs to the kitchen, and I grab a glass of water and an aspirin before sitting down in the family room with an old photo album. Without thought I flip it open, my eyes meet the random page and tears start to build up, I feel the pressure under my eyes and it’s a strain to stop them from falling. I try to smile as I look over the page of photos, all from a family trip to the beach years ago when Abby had only just started walking. The third picture has me sitting beside a sandcastle, Sawyer stands behind me with an arm around my neck, her blue eyes pop in the photo and her blonde hair hangs in damp, dark piggy tails, and her smile has a shyness I haven’t seen with Sawyer in years. In the photo Abby sits in my lap, looking at the sandcastle as if she wasn’t sure if it was safe or not, her little hand clinging to my bikini top. Keith’s voice pops back into my head, promise me you won’t ever give up, promise me. And another memory takes over.
…

That night is one I will never be able to forget, even after seven years it’s always still there, every time we go to a hospital or every time I see the ocean. The echo of the door slamming behind Lucas after walking inside vibrates through my mind like it did the house all those years ago, I had dumped my purse down and massaged my head, “this isn’t happening” a mumble under my breath.

But it was happening, after nearly five years the tests had come back not in our favour. The cancer was back and Keith, only eight years old, was in hospital again. Behind me Lucas kicked the door, then after a moment of silence he started kicking it over and over again, swearing as he did so. He scared me, though not enough to deny the instinct to go to him, and the moment I’d touched his shoulder Lucas turned to me, burying his wet face into my neck. We’d clung to each other, crying, eventually sinking to the floor still in front of our front door, his hands gripped me tighter, almost painfully, his lips against my neck started to move across my skin, and still crying, our mouths found each other.

It was quick, and no clothes were stripped only moved far enough out of the way for the most basic of connections. For the briefest of moments we pretended to forget the battle ahead, and proved to each other we were both still alive, we could feel pleasure, and even a different kind of pain. Afterwards we cried some more, before Lucas had lifted me up into his arms and carried me to our bed upstairs, neither one of us wanted to talk. After all, we had every word the doctor said still in our heads to think about.

Like always Lucas fell asleep quickly, his arms trapping me to his side, and that night not even the smooth breathing of Lucas in sleep could help calm me enough for my own dreams. I had laid there wide awake staring at the wall across from me, praying that there had been some mistake. For hours I didn’t move, then the ticking of the clock was getting too loud for me, sneaking from under Lucas’ arm I had left our room and quickly pulled on some clothes.

I don’t know what drove me that night; maybe I was determined for one more night of some sort of normal life before we all got wrapped up in the drama again. No matter the reason, I tip toed inside Sawyer’s room and had shaken her awake, whispering for her to get dressed before slipping out and going to Abby’s room. Even as I was changing Abby into warm clothes she was still half asleep, but by the time I’d lead both girls into the car they were wide awake.

“Where we going, Mom?” Sawyer had asked as we drove away from the house.

Smiling I’d replied “It’s a surprise” and when we got to the beach and I opened their doors they’d both exclaimed in excitement.

Before the sun even rose I had built a small bonfire with my daughters, and danced along the shore, we laughed and talked, and for a few hours I did forget what was waiting back home.

Then wrapped in a blanket with Sawyer and Abby we sat by the fire and watched the sun rise over the horizon, it was a new day, and soon I would have to tell them the truth. I should have told them about Keith but I didn’t want to ruin the beach for them, or those few perfect hours, so I had tucked them closer to me, “girls, I need you to make me a promise”

Sawyer narrowed her blue eyes at me, already knowing something was wrong no doubt, “Mom?”

I’d smiled, then kissed the top of her head, then Abby’s, “promise me you won’t ever give up, no matter what life throws at you, never give up”

All was silent after my words, Abby was the first to nod and then Sawyer, we didn’t speak after that, we continued to watch the sun rise and the flames die. That was how Lucas found us, still early in the morning my husband had silently made his way to us and sat down, “I got your note” was all he said.

I wish I could say we had that family moment stay perfect, but it never really was perfect, no matter how it stands out as magical in my memories, because someone was missing, and we did go home eventually. As soon as that door shut behind us again we had to talk about it, we had to tell the girls and we had to figure out how exactly we were going to cope with this. For over a month all Lucas and I did was talk about it, actually that is an understatement, mainly we screamed and yelled. We might have gotten a few hours to forget but that night started chain reactions that would forever change our family in more ways than one. A few perfect hours, followed by months of painful misery, because once we stopped talking about it that front door slammed once more vibrating through the house, only this time we were on different sides of it.
…

“Come back to bed”

Lucas’ voice brings me back to the present, and for a moment, a memory echoes in my head.

Come back to me.


... to be continued...

this was just the first half of chapter six, i have started to post this story on fanfiction.net so to check out the rest of the chapter just follow the link...

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