Title: The De Santa’s
Audience: (Applause)
Jimmy: (Walks in)
Michael: There you are you little shit (Holds out marijuana) Looking for this
Jimmy: (Tries to grab it)
Michael: Ah, ah, ah, no
Audience: (Laughs)
Jimmy: Very funny. You know, you’re a real asshole
Audience: Ooooohhhh
Michael: What did you just fucking say to me?
Amanda: Stop it you two, you’re ruining my fucking yoga
Audience: (Laughs)
Trevor: (Walks in) Somebody say yoga?
Audience: (Cheers)
Michael: Trevor?
Trevor: Michael
Audience: (Laughs)
Michael: Good to see you again
Trevor: Hmm. Yeah, I bet it is. Of course, I’m that the one that’s been resurrected
Audience: (Laughs)
Michael: Yeah well… I got in a bit of an awkward situation
Trevor: You’re telling me, bro
Audience: (Laughs)
Trevor: One of those fake your own death to your best buddy, run off with the dough, and live in a big mansion awkward situation
Audience: (Laughs)
Michael: That’s one way of looking at it
Trevor: You have any other way of looking at it, ‘cause I’m all out
Audience: (Laughs)
Michael: It was a long time ago. I’ve been in witness protection. Still am
Trevor: That’s great. That’s great. I’m sorry. Where are my manners? Amanda, it’s good to see you. I missed you. You used to be fatter
Audience: (Laughs)
Trevor: Nice new tits by the way
Audience: (Laughs hard)
Trevor: Jimmy, you used to be thinner
Audience: (Laughs)
Trevor: Who are you
Fabien: Namaste, I’m Fabien
Trevor: Ah, good lord… Where’s Tracey?
Michael: … Where’s your sister, Jim?
Jimmy: She’s uh… trying out for TV
Michael: She’s what?
Jimmy: She’s auditioning for Fame or Shame
Michael: The fuck are you talking about?
Jimmy: You know, the talent slash skill show.
Michael: … What’s her talent?
Jimmy: Dancing
Michael: She’s a horrible dancer
Audience: (Laughs)
Jimmy: She might disagree with you on that
Michael: … Jesus Christ, what, now? Now? Where
Jimmy: The Maze Bank Arena
Trevor: Our little Tracy being humiliated, let’s go
Michael: We?
Trevor: Yeah, we. What, are you gonna stand here and argue while your daughter becomes a national laughing stock?
Audience: (Laughs)
Trevor: You’re worse than I thought, now let’s go
(Transition)
Employee: Sirs, may I please have your names
Trevor: (Grabs his neck) Where the fuck is Tracey Townley! Tracey fucking De Santa (Throws him onto the ground) Screw this
Audience: (Laughs)
Trevor: Where the fuck’s Lazlow!?
Employee: (Points in direction)
(Trevor and Michael walk in)
Lazlow: Alright, it’s the auditions, Fame or Shame, season fourteen, right here in Vinewood, San Andreas, coming up next, it’s Tracey De Santa (Claps)
Tracey: Hi
Audience: (Applause)
Lazlow: Tracey’s a “dancer”, but she also likes acting, modeling, and working with children. That’s beautiful. That’s original, like a basket full of puppies, or a rainbow, or… a pile of puke
Audience: (Laughs)
Lazlow: (Points at Michael and Trevor) Who are these clowns
Tracey: That’s my dad and…. Trevor!?
Lazlow: Two dads?
Audience: (Laughs)
Tracey: (Gives Trevor a hug before running back on stage) Okay, I’m back
Lazlow: Okay, three, two, one… Okay, it’s Fame or Shame for Tracey De Santa! (Steps off stage)
Tracey: (Starts dancing in a very sexual way) (Pulls off her panties from under her skirt)
Michael: (Turns away)
Lazlow: (Steps on stage) Yeah, shake what your daddies gave ya (Dances with Tracey in a very sexual way)
Michael: Alright, that’s enough! (Pushes Lazlow away)
(Security runs in)
Trevor: (Hits security with a chair)
Audience: (Laughs)
Lazlow: (Runs out)
Michael: Come back here, you little shit (Chases after him with Trevor following)
(Transition)
Trevor: (Chasing after Lazlow in a truck)
Michael: Push him off the fucking road
Trevor: When we crush his little toy car, who knows what will happen (Knocks cars out of the way while chasing him) I hate that closet man whore on the television, I hate him on the radio, I hate him even more in person. He was never funny
Audience: (Laughs)
(Lazlows car breaks down)
Trevor: (Steps out of the truck)
Lazlow: … Uh… Hey guys
Michael: Run out of batteries, huh?
Lazlow: I didn’t mean anything by it, c’mon
Trevor: Yeah, well that little girl sat on my lap when she was two years old and I swore to god that I would rip the fucking skin off of anyone who fucking wronged her
Lazlow: Look, I’m just a dumb A-list celebrity trying to entertain America, okay?
Audience: (Laughs)
Lazlow: I got a lot of things going on, besides you two trying to kill me. I got multiple sexual harassment lawsuits, plus I’m an addict. and I’ve relapsed. I can’t stop jacking, dude. I jack it in traffic
Audience: (Laughs)
Trevor: What’s your talent? Besides from love and sex
Lazlow: Have you seen my show? It’s not live, it’s not funny. That’s my genius. I got no fucking talent.
Michael: Clearly he ain’t being humble, T. You proved your point
Trevor: This is your daughter. You should be wanting to rip the fucking ponytail off the back of this guy’s head (To Lazlow) And you! Pants off
Lazlow: (Takes his pants off)
Trevor: (Takes out his phone) Now I want you to dance sexy, celebrity
Lazlow: I-I need music-
Trevor: Are you trying to fucking annoy me?!
Lazlow: (Starts dancing)
Audience: (Laughs)
Trevor: Alright, now drop it like it’s hot. I wanna see you get nice and low. Lower. Lower!
Lazlow: (Falls down)
Audience: (Laughs)
Lazlow: Don’t kill me, please. I’m supposed to be on a magazine cover next week
Michael: (Picks him up) Alright, get up. Go, now, before I change my mind
Lazlow: (Runs off)
Trevor: Yeah, I got it all on my camera you fucking pussy
Audience: (Laughs)
Trevor: How the fuck did you do it without me for nine years
Michael: (Leaves)
Audience: (Cheers)