#1:
MAN: Young man? You trapped in the Seventies? Nobody says "young man".
What else you gonna say? "Fresh"?
LAZLOW: Look--whatever, homeboy. Listen. Tell me what the kids are into. I gotta connect with the kids. Not my private parts, you know, but--that's for online--but, what are you out doing?
MAN: Yo, I'm delivering weed.
LAZLOW: But, you--you're only like thirteen.
MAN: Exactly. I won't go to prison.
#2:
GIRL: Yeah, um, oh, my God, am I on the radio!?
LAZLOW: Do you not realize that? This is a microphone, stupid!
#3:
Alan McClean: Speaking gives an atmosphere of fear!.. Waterboarding gives an atmosphere of terrified respect!… I'm Alan McClean.. And I realized parenting books are easy to write when you re-purpose what you learned in the Marines about what breaks a man.. Let's face it.. Kids are rotten little SHITS!!.. I wouldn't be here today, if my parents hadn't smacked the SHIT out of me!.. Buy my book, "hitting kids works wonders”, today!.. And get respect from your kids!.. The government approved way!
#4:
Channel X voice: FUCK THIS FUCKIN SONG!!
#5:
Girl: Like earlier.. I saw, this girl dying.. But she wouldn't be dying if she had insurence.. So I walked away.
Man: Wow.. Did you even call an ambulance?
Girl: Coarse not.. Wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
Man: .. What happened?
Girl: Well... She died.. But she learned a VALUABLE lesson!
#6:
JUDGE GRADY: What? Look what's happened to you! Why you got a hyphen name? Why you gonna be half a man? She took away you manhood, she masculated you good and proper. You got some bitch's name on half your shit! Do you pee sitting down?
CHUCK: Ummm..... (audience moans)
JUDGE GRADY: DO YOU PEE SITTING DOWN?!
CHUCK: Well, we're equal partners and it's not fair that she has took the toilet up so I don't really mind...
JUDGE GRADY: Equal partners? You gonna give a woman's last name? I's surprised that you haven't started growing tits. For the love of all that is holy in the world...
CHUCK: You know the deal judge, I have to agree. I'll never get laid again.
MAN: Young man? You trapped in the Seventies? Nobody says "young man".
What else you gonna say? "Fresh"?
LAZLOW: Look--whatever, homeboy. Listen. Tell me what the kids are into. I gotta connect with the kids. Not my private parts, you know, but--that's for online--but, what are you out doing?
MAN: Yo, I'm delivering weed.
LAZLOW: But, you--you're only like thirteen.
MAN: Exactly. I won't go to prison.
#2:
GIRL: Yeah, um, oh, my God, am I on the radio!?
LAZLOW: Do you not realize that? This is a microphone, stupid!
#3:
Alan McClean: Speaking gives an atmosphere of fear!.. Waterboarding gives an atmosphere of terrified respect!… I'm Alan McClean.. And I realized parenting books are easy to write when you re-purpose what you learned in the Marines about what breaks a man.. Let's face it.. Kids are rotten little SHITS!!.. I wouldn't be here today, if my parents hadn't smacked the SHIT out of me!.. Buy my book, "hitting kids works wonders”, today!.. And get respect from your kids!.. The government approved way!
#4:
Channel X voice: FUCK THIS FUCKIN SONG!!
#5:
Girl: Like earlier.. I saw, this girl dying.. But she wouldn't be dying if she had insurence.. So I walked away.
Man: Wow.. Did you even call an ambulance?
Girl: Coarse not.. Wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
Man: .. What happened?
Girl: Well... She died.. But she learned a VALUABLE lesson!
#6:
JUDGE GRADY: What? Look what's happened to you! Why you got a hyphen name? Why you gonna be half a man? She took away you manhood, she masculated you good and proper. You got some bitch's name on half your shit! Do you pee sitting down?
CHUCK: Ummm..... (audience moans)
JUDGE GRADY: DO YOU PEE SITTING DOWN?!
CHUCK: Well, we're equal partners and it's not fair that she has took the toilet up so I don't really mind...
JUDGE GRADY: Equal partners? You gonna give a woman's last name? I's surprised that you haven't started growing tits. For the love of all that is holy in the world...
CHUCK: You know the deal judge, I have to agree. I'll never get laid again.
#1:
"Should I tie myself to a traintrack?"
ME: Yes..
#2:
"How do I successfully fool a eliphant to go to the sea?"
ME: Tell him it's made out of peanuts..
#3:
"When did 9/11 happen?"
ME: It didn't...
#4:
"Why are Americans so loud!?"
ME: CAUSE THEY CAN'T TURN OFF THE CAP LOCK!!
#5:
"What a person from London called?"
ME: Ahvfgbfgyjjg,hjgth
#6:
"What happens if I poke a sleeping lion on the nose?"
ME: It'll become your friend.
#7:
"Is there a name for a fear of chainsaws?"
ME: Common sense..
#8:
"How are unicorns made?"
ME: With love and fresh farts.
"Should I tie myself to a traintrack?"
ME: Yes..
#2:
"How do I successfully fool a eliphant to go to the sea?"
ME: Tell him it's made out of peanuts..
#3:
"When did 9/11 happen?"
ME: It didn't...
#4:
"Why are Americans so loud!?"
ME: CAUSE THEY CAN'T TURN OFF THE CAP LOCK!!
#5:
"What a person from London called?"
ME: Ahvfgbfgyjjg,hjgth
#6:
"What happens if I poke a sleeping lion on the nose?"
ME: It'll become your friend.
#7:
"Is there a name for a fear of chainsaws?"
ME: Common sense..
#8:
"How are unicorns made?"
ME: With love and fresh farts.
