Been seeing it about four months now, and it's the most "quotable" series EVER...
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#1:
(live audience scene):
Peele: What I often do.. I take note of things my girl dose wrong, and call her on it at the right times.
Key: (pretending to be the girl) Jordon, why'd you leave the toilet seat up?
Peele: BITCH WHY WAS YOU LATE LAST NIGHT, AND I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING!?
#2:
(live audience scene):
Girl in audience: (laughing too hard)
Key: Ma'am... Breath.
#3:
Key: (texting angrily) do you even WANT to hang out!?
Peele: (texting calmly) Like I said whatever.
Key: (reading text) Like I said whatever!?.. FUCK THIS GUY!!
#4:
Peele: (as girl character) You are LITERARY an asshole!
Key: I can't be LITERARY an asshole! I have legs, and a body!
#5:
(to live audience)
Key: In movies.. In every group of 3 white friends, they always has to be the "black best friend".
Peele: Yes, and the lines are always the same.. (names several lines I forget what they are).
Key: There's also..
Both: Oh Hell's no!..
Peele: Yes, and they always say the moral at the end.. "Guess you learned the true meaning of (insert here)"
Key: Come on guys... Not "every" black dude is "wise" and "reasonable".
#6:
(to live audience)
Key: I heard a line by Mel Gibson.. He said "I hope you get rapped by a pack of niggers!"... a PACK!?
Peele: Yes. He is the most racist man in the world.
Key: If he said a pack of.. African americans... It is NOT better..
#7:
Peele: (telling joke) So there's this girl.
Key: uh huh?
Peele: and she goes to her doctor.
Key: (giggles).
Peele: And asks him.. Will you have kiss with me?
Key: (bursts into laughter).
Peele: No.. That wasn't the joke.. It was just the build up.
Key: (laughs even harder).
Peele: (trying to shout over Keagan's laughter) She asks that.. And he says, no that would be unprofessional.
Key: Unprofessional. HAWHAWHAWHAW!!
Peele: Still not the punch line.
Key: (laughing anyway).
Peele: (over the laughter) SHE ASKS HIM AGAIN.. HE SAYS.. I SUDDEN'T EVEN HAVE SEX WITH YOU WAIT NOW.
Key: (falls silent, despite this having been the punch line)... Then what?
Peele: Guess.. She sues him.
Key: (laughs loudly).
#8:
Killer: I will cover you in gasoline and set you on FIRE!!
Peele: Funny you should say that.. I'm getting pretty cold in here.
#9:
(the duo wake up in the SAW bathroom).
Key: ... Not so bad.
Peele: Yes, it's all about prospective, at least I'm alive.
Key: Yeah, there's sort of a positive in having no opinions, we know we won't escape so we won't even try.
Peele: Plus.. All this time away from my phone.. My lap top.. I feel unplugged..
Key: And you know what else.. (his arm is cut off) Don't miss the arm... I'm a lefty anyway.
#10:
(to live audience).
Key: We black people, avoid ANYTHING supernatural.
Peele: (pretending to be a magician) Pick a card.
Key: OH HELL'S NO! YOU A DEMON! (walks off),
#11:
Peele: I said biiiiiiiiitch!
#12:
Peele: FUCK STEVE!
Key: YOU WILL FUCK STEVE'S DICK IF HE ASKS YOU TOO! YOU WILL SUCK HIS FUCKIN DICK! HE IS OUR BREAD AND BUTTER YOU MOTHER FUCKER!.. I AM HIGH ON COCAINE!
Peele: I'M A FUCKIN ACTOR!.. I DID MORE COCAINE THAN YOU WEITH MOTHERFUCKER!!
#13:
Key: (as news reporter) This just in.. Little baby susie is still missing.. Help us lo- What's that? They found her? She's fine? Well FUCK ME!! (throws something in anger).
#14:
Key: (as detective) We KNOW you killed her.. You have a song about it.
Peele: (as rapper) ... It's just words man.
Key: (as detective) The NAME of the album! Is "I killed (the victims name)!".. And look at the cover.. It's you standing over her body, holding the gun we found at the scene!
#15:
key: (as idiot guard) BREAKING HIM OUT HERE!
Peele: (prisoner) Don't shout.. (sarcastically) may as well pull the alarm.
Key: Good idea.. (pulls the alarm).
#16:
Key:: Roommate meeting... Roommate meeting!
Peele: Gogo, what the hell? I've got a hangover!
Key: I don't give a fuck about your hangover, okay Brendan? I want a roommate meeting, and I want it now! Okay... Now, somebody's been taking shit out of the refrigerator and throwing it on the ground, and it's pissing me off.
Guy: Is this another one of your stupid pranks, Jonald?
Jonald: No.. And YOUR pranks are stupid.
Is it you, Monday?
Monday: What?
Jonald: (scary ghost behind them) I said, somebody's been taking shit out of the fridge and throwing it on the fuckin ground! And I want to know who it is, because it's not funny!
Key: (the ghost behind is closer) Well, what I want to know is, who keeps pulling the sheets off my bed and hanging them from the ceiling fan at night? Was that you, Monday?
Monday: What?
Key: (ghost is closer) Have you been taking everybody's sheets off them in the night and hanging them from the ceiling fans?
Monday: What? No.
Key: (ghost is closer) Well, clearly, someone's been doing that! (glass shatters obviously from the ghost they aren't aware of) Whoa! Who did that? Peele: (the ghost is still behind them) Yeah! who the fuck just did that!? Which one of you just threw that bottle?
Guy: What are we even talking about right now? Key: Did you fucking throw that bottle, Jonald? Jonald: No, Gogo! fuck you! I didn't throw it!
Key: Well, did you fucking throw that bottle, Brendon?
Jonald: Yeah! You WOULD do that, Brendon.
Peele: Dude, no! I didn't throw the bottle!
Key: (ghost is inches away from them) Well, somebody threw that fucking bottle, and you're the one who drew dicks on everyone's forehead!
Guy: Yeah, you did do that!
Peele: (ghost is touching him) But dicks are hilarious, though!
Guy: This is just destructive! What about you, Monday? Did you throw that bottle?
Ghost: (low growl).
Monday: What bottle?
Key: The fuckiing bottle, dude! It just smashed against the wall, and you even said some shit about it!
Monday: Well, I didn't throw a bottle.
Key: Well, obviously, it wasn't Ping. He's got the best grades in the house.
Possesed guy: (hisses)
Key: Good point, Ping.
#17:
Killer: Hey.. You ladies want to see Channing Tatum?
Key and Peele: (dressed as girls). OH MY GOD! (they crawl in the van),
Peele: Where are you Channing?
Key: (happily) Is that a hawksaw?
#18:
Key: IT'S GONNA BE A FUCKIN STREET FIGHT!!
#19:
Peele: YOU WILL RESPECT ME! YOU LITTLE SHIT!!
#20:
Both: We put the pussy of the train wails!!
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#1:
(live audience scene):
Peele: What I often do.. I take note of things my girl dose wrong, and call her on it at the right times.
Key: (pretending to be the girl) Jordon, why'd you leave the toilet seat up?
Peele: BITCH WHY WAS YOU LATE LAST NIGHT, AND I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING!?
#2:
(live audience scene):
Girl in audience: (laughing too hard)
Key: Ma'am... Breath.
#3:
Key: (texting angrily) do you even WANT to hang out!?
Peele: (texting calmly) Like I said whatever.
Key: (reading text) Like I said whatever!?.. FUCK THIS GUY!!
#4:
Peele: (as girl character) You are LITERARY an asshole!
Key: I can't be LITERARY an asshole! I have legs, and a body!
#5:
(to live audience)
Key: In movies.. In every group of 3 white friends, they always has to be the "black best friend".
Peele: Yes, and the lines are always the same.. (names several lines I forget what they are).
Key: There's also..
Both: Oh Hell's no!..
Peele: Yes, and they always say the moral at the end.. "Guess you learned the true meaning of (insert here)"
Key: Come on guys... Not "every" black dude is "wise" and "reasonable".
#6:
(to live audience)
Key: I heard a line by Mel Gibson.. He said "I hope you get rapped by a pack of niggers!"... a PACK!?
Peele: Yes. He is the most racist man in the world.
Key: If he said a pack of.. African americans... It is NOT better..
#7:
Peele: (telling joke) So there's this girl.
Key: uh huh?
Peele: and she goes to her doctor.
Key: (giggles).
Peele: And asks him.. Will you have kiss with me?
Key: (bursts into laughter).
Peele: No.. That wasn't the joke.. It was just the build up.
Key: (laughs even harder).
Peele: (trying to shout over Keagan's laughter) She asks that.. And he says, no that would be unprofessional.
Key: Unprofessional. HAWHAWHAWHAW!!
Peele: Still not the punch line.
Key: (laughing anyway).
Peele: (over the laughter) SHE ASKS HIM AGAIN.. HE SAYS.. I SUDDEN'T EVEN HAVE SEX WITH YOU WAIT NOW.
Key: (falls silent, despite this having been the punch line)... Then what?
Peele: Guess.. She sues him.
Key: (laughs loudly).
#8:
Killer: I will cover you in gasoline and set you on FIRE!!
Peele: Funny you should say that.. I'm getting pretty cold in here.
#9:
(the duo wake up in the SAW bathroom).
Key: ... Not so bad.
Peele: Yes, it's all about prospective, at least I'm alive.
Key: Yeah, there's sort of a positive in having no opinions, we know we won't escape so we won't even try.
Peele: Plus.. All this time away from my phone.. My lap top.. I feel unplugged..
Key: And you know what else.. (his arm is cut off) Don't miss the arm... I'm a lefty anyway.
#10:
(to live audience).
Key: We black people, avoid ANYTHING supernatural.
Peele: (pretending to be a magician) Pick a card.
Key: OH HELL'S NO! YOU A DEMON! (walks off),
#11:
Peele: I said biiiiiiiiitch!
#12:
Peele: FUCK STEVE!
Key: YOU WILL FUCK STEVE'S DICK IF HE ASKS YOU TOO! YOU WILL SUCK HIS FUCKIN DICK! HE IS OUR BREAD AND BUTTER YOU MOTHER FUCKER!.. I AM HIGH ON COCAINE!
Peele: I'M A FUCKIN ACTOR!.. I DID MORE COCAINE THAN YOU WEITH MOTHERFUCKER!!
#13:
Key: (as news reporter) This just in.. Little baby susie is still missing.. Help us lo- What's that? They found her? She's fine? Well FUCK ME!! (throws something in anger).
#14:
Key: (as detective) We KNOW you killed her.. You have a song about it.
Peele: (as rapper) ... It's just words man.
Key: (as detective) The NAME of the album! Is "I killed (the victims name)!".. And look at the cover.. It's you standing over her body, holding the gun we found at the scene!
#15:
key: (as idiot guard) BREAKING HIM OUT HERE!
Peele: (prisoner) Don't shout.. (sarcastically) may as well pull the alarm.
Key: Good idea.. (pulls the alarm).
#16:
Key:: Roommate meeting... Roommate meeting!
Peele: Gogo, what the hell? I've got a hangover!
Key: I don't give a fuck about your hangover, okay Brendan? I want a roommate meeting, and I want it now! Okay... Now, somebody's been taking shit out of the refrigerator and throwing it on the ground, and it's pissing me off.
Guy: Is this another one of your stupid pranks, Jonald?
Jonald: No.. And YOUR pranks are stupid.
Is it you, Monday?
Monday: What?
Jonald: (scary ghost behind them) I said, somebody's been taking shit out of the fridge and throwing it on the fuckin ground! And I want to know who it is, because it's not funny!
Key: (the ghost behind is closer) Well, what I want to know is, who keeps pulling the sheets off my bed and hanging them from the ceiling fan at night? Was that you, Monday?
Monday: What?
Key: (ghost is closer) Have you been taking everybody's sheets off them in the night and hanging them from the ceiling fans?
Monday: What? No.
Key: (ghost is closer) Well, clearly, someone's been doing that! (glass shatters obviously from the ghost they aren't aware of) Whoa! Who did that? Peele: (the ghost is still behind them) Yeah! who the fuck just did that!? Which one of you just threw that bottle?
Guy: What are we even talking about right now? Key: Did you fucking throw that bottle, Jonald? Jonald: No, Gogo! fuck you! I didn't throw it!
Key: Well, did you fucking throw that bottle, Brendon?
Jonald: Yeah! You WOULD do that, Brendon.
Peele: Dude, no! I didn't throw the bottle!
Key: (ghost is inches away from them) Well, somebody threw that fucking bottle, and you're the one who drew dicks on everyone's forehead!
Guy: Yeah, you did do that!
Peele: (ghost is touching him) But dicks are hilarious, though!
Guy: This is just destructive! What about you, Monday? Did you throw that bottle?
Ghost: (low growl).
Monday: What bottle?
Key: The fuckiing bottle, dude! It just smashed against the wall, and you even said some shit about it!
Monday: Well, I didn't throw a bottle.
Key: Well, obviously, it wasn't Ping. He's got the best grades in the house.
Possesed guy: (hisses)
Key: Good point, Ping.
#17:
Killer: Hey.. You ladies want to see Channing Tatum?
Key and Peele: (dressed as girls). OH MY GOD! (they crawl in the van),
Peele: Where are you Channing?
Key: (happily) Is that a hawksaw?
#18:
Key: IT'S GONNA BE A FUCKIN STREET FIGHT!!
#19:
Peele: YOU WILL RESPECT ME! YOU LITTLE SHIT!!
#20:
Both: We put the pussy of the train wails!!
