Mac Taylor sighed and looked up at the clock. It was exactly 7:45 his therapy session was going to start in another five minutes. It had been six months since he had been kidnapped and tortured by his deranged acquaintance Ella McBride. She had imprisoned him in her townhouse for two days and had repeatedly drugged and had sex with him while he was unconscious. She had also physically tortured him.
Mac was finally able to incapacitate her and escape with the help of his colleagues Stella Bonasera and Don Flack. Ella had been deemed unfit for a trial which relived Mac.
He wasn't sure he could recount the horrible things Ella had done to him in front of a courtroom. She had been committed indefinitely to an mental hospital. Also to Mac's relief she was in an isolated ward which meant no mail privileges. So even if she wanted to send him letter's she couldn't.
Mac stared up at the clock again and saw that it was 8:12 his session was to start in another minute. It had only taken him a week after his abduction for Mac to relent and seek professional help. Mac already prone to insomnia was after his ordeal barely sleeping more than two to three hours at a time. When he was finally able to sleep Mac would have horrifying nightmares which usually put him in the clutches of Ella where she would torture him until he would think he would die. Through he would always wake up before she would. Nearly every time he would wake up form these nightmares Mac would vomit.
Mac's colleagues were getting extremely worried about him. This included his best friend and second in command Stella. He tried to talked to Stella about what he had been through but couldn't. The shame and pain were too unbearable to talk with her about.
Because he wasn't getting a good night sleep Mac was off of his usual game when it came to his work. Things that didn't bother him before his ordeal were almost painful to put himself through. He found himself unable to deal with suspects who were women and who where blonde. They reminded him too much of Ella. In fact whenever a case involving such a suspect came up Mac would always find an excuse to pass on the case to Stella. After he would do this Mac would go home and immediately vomit.
When his team would deal with victims of sexual assault. Mac found himself nearly having a nervous breakdown trying to talk to the victims. Mac saw so much of himself in them. He felt like vomiting every time he talked to the victims. Through to his relief he usually didn't. He was able to control himself and wait until he was in private to do so.
Mac also found himself beating on the perpetrators of the assaults much more than he ever had before. Through he could usually compose himself before seriously hurting anyone.
Mac realized that his restraint about the situations and his temper were quickly and horrifyingly spiraling out of his control.
Just last week it had taken the combine efforts of Danny, Don and Sheldon to restraint Mac form beating on a 18-year-old man who they had proved raped a 14-year-old girl Mac closed his eyes and thought back to that day.

He was in the interrogation room questioning the young man.

Mac slammed his fist on the table. He then said calmly "We have the results of Miranda's rape kit Todd." The young man smiled smugly and said "So what if you do. I didn't rape her she liked it, she wanted it." Trying to keep his temper in check Mac took and deep breath and replied "Todd, she told us that you held her down and forced yourself on her. She said that she screamed no over and over again but you only held her down more and kept going. That doesn't sound like she wanted it to me." Todd smiled even more smugly and said "I don't care what she said about me. She's a little slut who got what she deserved. I mean she should be thanking me. I gave her a really good time." Todd said this all without an inkling of remorse. Mac then couldn't take Todd's coldness over the matter any longer.
He yelled angrily "You sonofabitch you raped that little girl and you don't even care?"
Todd laughed without humor. He leaned across the table and table said slowly his voice dripping with callousness "I. Didn't. Ra-" Through that was as far as Todd got. In the next second Mac had pushed the table over and had him off the floor his hand around his throat squeezing it.
Mac yelled at him furiously "You disgusting cocky bastard you don't deserve to live. She said no. She told you to stop but you still went. She said NO dammit!" Don, Danny and Sheldon then burst into the room. "Mac, let him go he's turning blue man!" Danny said urgently. Danny tried to pry Mac's hand away form Todd's throat. Mac gripped the young man's throat even tighter. He raged over his shoulder to Danny "Let me go Danny this jerk deserves it!" Danny finally manged to pry Mac's hand form around Todd's neck. Mac still in a fury pushed Todd down. He then started to punch Todd.

Sheldon yelled "Mac stop get off of him!" Danny was then at Sheldon's side chimed in "Boss that's enough!" Danny then grabbed Mac's waist Sheldon took his right shoulder and Don took his left. As they pulled the out of control Senior CSI detective off of the beaten and terrified young man Don said angrily and worriedly "Mac what the hell has gotten into you?" Mac shook Don's shoulder off of him and said bluntly "Don just drop it okay?" Mac then stalked off.

Don followed him he shouted "Mac, Mac hold on!" Mac stopped and looked at Don. Don then replied "Mac I have never seen you this messed up. Does this have anything to do what with Ella McBride did to you?" Mac try as he might winced slightly at Ella's name. Don seeing his reaction said sympathetically "Mac look I know what your going through. Sort of anyway. I went through kinda the same thing when I lost Jess. But if you don't deal with this it's gonna destroy you. And I care too much about you to let that happen." Mac sighed and said bitterly "Don I know you are trying to help but please don't. I'm fine okay. I can take care of myself. I've been doing it for a long time." Don sighed and said "All right but if you ever need to talk" Mac exhaled slowly. He then nodded and said grateful "Thanks Don I'll let you know." Don nodded and left.
Mac was snapped out of his reverie when a tall sliver haired man in his late sixties came into the room. He smiled warmly at Mac "Mac it's good to see you again." The man took a seat in his chair at his desk. Mac sighed and shifted uncomfortably in his patent leather chair. He took a deep breath and said "Good to see you too Dr. Collins." Dr Collins nodded and said "Have you been having the dreams?"
Mac nodded and said "Yes, much more frequently than ever." Dr Collins nodded and said "Have you been vomiting after and having trouble concentrating at work?"
Mac nodded and replied "Well.. yes. The thing I don't get is why. You said if I talked and admitted what she, ..Ella
did to me they would stop. But they haven't" Mac found it difficult to still say Ella's name through he managed.

Dr Collins leaned forward in his chair and asked "Have you told all of your colleagues what you went through." Mac sighed and said "Well, sort of. I mean I told my team what happened vaguely. I mean they know I was kidnapped and who did it. But they don't know the specifics."

Mac looked up at the clock. Dr Collin's eyed Mac intuitively and said "Mac have you told Stella?" Mac again shifted uncomfortably in his chair. His stomach clenched queasily. He took a deep breath and finally replied "She knows what happened to me."

Dr Collins nodded still not quite believing Mac he said "Mac, if you want to deal with this damage and heal you have to sit down with each member of your team and tell them what happened to you. Not in grave detail mind you but since they are like a family to you. You need to let them know about your trauma. Otherwise you really won't heal at all."

Mac nodded and said "If I do that then they will all want to know the details and they will all want to help me. I don't need them to picture me like that. So defenseless and helpless. I'm their leader. I mean how can I lead them if when they look at me they just see some damaged helpless old man." Mac spat out the last few words.

Dr Collins sighed and said "Mac it wasn't your fault what Ella did to you. She manipulated you to get what she wanted. It was all to fulfill her needs. You need to let go of all of this shame and pain you have been carrying around with you. It isn't benefiting your healing. In fact it's keeping it at a standstill. You need to talk to your team mates about your ordeal."

Mac nodded and said uncertainly "But what if they don't think of me the same after wards? What if I can't lead them the way I used too?"

Dr Collins looked at Mac and said reassuringly "Form what you've told me about your team mates I think that they will only think higher of you for telling them the truth. When you share with them what you went through I'm certain they will support you." Mac was still hesitant.

Dr. Collins replied " I think you should start off with telling Stella first. You too are the closest and I think it will truly benefit your recovery." Mac said "I can start off slow right I don't have too tell her everything all at once?" Dr. Collins nodded and said "No you go at your own pace. I'm certain Stella will understand." Dr. Collins took out his pocket watch and said "Well it's 11:45. Session is up. You did very well today Mac." Mac sighed he was amazed at how fast the time had gone by.

He took a deep breath and said "Thanks, for helping me with this Dr. Collins." Mac got up form his seat and shook his hand. Dr. Collins nodded he shook Mac's hand back and said "It is my job too Mac. Through your welcome all the same. You will let me know how your talk with Stella goes when I see you next Friday right?"
Mac nodded and said confidently"Will do Dr. Collins I promise." Dr. Collins smiled slightly and replied " I'll see you next Friday Mac." Mac smiled back and said "See you then."

Mac then exited Dr. Collin's office and hailed a cab. He told the cabbie to take him to the crime lab. On his ride Mac fished out his cell phone and dialed Stella's number. Stella answered it on the second ring. She said warmly "Mac good to hear from you. Are you coming in soon?" Mac smiled at the sound of Stella's voice. He said "Yeah I'm en route as we speak."

Stella asked hesitating "So how did your session go?" Mac replied "It was very eye opening I guess you could say." Stella sounded relieved in her response "That's great Mac I"m happy it went well." Mac summoning his courage said "Hey Stell do you think we could meet somewhere and have lunch, I need to talk to you about something." Stella said compassionately "I'd love too. I'll be waiting outside the crime lab for you okay?" Mac sighed and said "Great see you in a few."
Stella said warmly "See you then." Mac's stomach was suddenly queasy again but he felt confident despite it. He knew his talk with Stella was going to help him through his ordeal and heal. After all he and Stella were best friends and he knew that she would understand. That very thought made his stomach calm down somewhat.

It made Mac ready to have a very interesting and hopefully healing talk with his best friend.