I thought I'd tell you about my new favourite thing in the world... It's not laying in bed with swine flu with James singing a medley of the songs from High School Musical at me through my bedroom wall. Which is a shame as that's all I've done for a fortnight... And it's not having mum come in every five minutes to check that someone hasn't climbed in through my bedroom window to try and smuggle in some garibaldis. Again :)

And it's not not being allowed any visitors because I'm highly contagious (apparently) and they would simply drop dead if they were in the same room with me. Yeah. Right. Especially visitors who want to come and brush the hair out of my eyes when I'm sleeping and make sure my feet are in a cocoon under the duvet because they know that my biggest fear in the whole world is someone grabbing them from under the bed whilst I'm asleep and I can't sleep properly otherwise :)

My new favourite thing in the whole world is a robot named Number 5. Have you seen Short Circuit? It is actually the greatest film ever made. In the 80's. About robots. It's about a little robot man named Number 5 that the military are trying to make do evil stuff. Typical. So they build all of these robots, exactly the same and program them to do whatever the military tells them to do, but then Number 5 gets struck by lightening and goes a bit mental and runs away.

So then Ally Sheedy takes him in and teaches him about art and music and life and stuff and it makes him a bit more mental but in a good way because now Number 5 isn't like the other robots any more. All the input from the wonderful stuff Number 5 sees makes him realise how much he wants to be alive even though the military are trying to make him come back home so they can make him exactly the same as the other robots again. But it's too late because now Number 5 wants to love things and look after the things it loves and get loved back by them because all the input from the art and stuff makes him realise that that's why Number 5 is alive in the first place.

And the military don't even care that he's the most exciting robot in the world because the military just want to disassemble him so they can put him back the way he was before the lightening and the music and Ally Sheedy. They can't see the beauty in what he's managed to become even though the whole world was against him. To them it's just a malfunction.

And it really is my favourite thing in the whole world right now. Because it makes me think how lucky I was to get hit by lightening and go mental. And even though everyone in the military is trying to take me down, they can't because my Ally Sheedy has already given me too much input already.

Like the lock-in in at Blake's where the landlord taught you the Croatian National Anthem and gave us Jaegerbomb's for every verse you remembered. Or when we went to Bath and showed that group of American tourists the houses that King Arthur and Robin Hood lived in, or the night your mum was pissed and narrated from her copy of The Joy of Sex in a Hungarian accent while we accompanied her on recorders. Or the night we tried - that thing - in the midnight screening of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And the drippy nacho cheese went all over that heavy-breathing man in the cagoule. And you called him a window licker.

I think there's a Short Circuit 2 but I've never seen it and I don't really want to. I don't really think it matters what happens to Number 5 afterwards as long as he's got what happened in the first one saved to his data banks. Nothing can ruin him. Not even swine flu. Or High School Musical. Or the military. He's untouchable now. Because Number 5 is Alive…

Love you forever - I'll be back soon. Oink oink. Xxxxxxxxx